We went today to the Shannon FUNeral (Andrew’s take, it helps me write the word) Home to pick up Andrew’s urn. He was cracking jokes about it to Martin. Martin said he was LHAO! Really??? Where does he get off making jokes no matter what the occasion?? Wait, oh yea….never mind *covers blushing face*
It was a quick & a surreal experience. I can not believe that my incredibly handsome, 6ft foot, amazing son has been reduced to ashes that fit in a ceramic urn! So yea, today has been a struggle for me. I’m still in shock. I feel him with me but then it hits me that his physical being is gone. It’s one big mind screw (not the word I wanted to use) really. I know it feels so raw because it’s all still so new. I feel schizophrenic! I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m happy. I’m sad, back and forth. BUT my heart still feels good through it all. Andrew is a phenomenal healer!
For chissakes Vince Vaughn made me cry tonight! He was on ET talking about his new Fred Clause movie then talks about Christmas as a kid. Which reminded me that we won’t have Andrew this Christmas sitting in the chair at 4am watching the tree and becoming one with his presents as he rocked in the recliner. Then waking us up at 6am with that big grin of his gently prodding us to get up so he could open his pressies. Even at 15yrs. old he was like a little kid! How can I not miss that!
Martin is reminding me to go to the place where he is now before I go into into sorrow. Then I hear Andrew, “don’t go into pain, find the joy, focus on who I am now.” Yea, easy for him to say!
SO that was my day today. I did receive my “Mucklets” twice today but my “AMC” #’s (Absolute Muckerphil Counts instead of ANC #’s now) must’ve still been low. So Martin and Andrew will do some deeper work on me tonight
I MISS YOU MUCK! BUT! IT’S ALL GOOD AND I WILL CHOOSE JOY!!!!