Yup! If you only want the pretty side of this journey then don’t read this post. It ain’t purdy!

I’m scared again today because I went and read the adult version of info on stem cell and bone marrow transplant. Really shouldn’t have done that. Should’ve stuck to the kids version of it with the cute lil pics of stems and bone marrow loving on each other. As I was reading what will and can happen the tears just started rolling down my face. This is just so freakin scary!!!!!

Andrew will probably be infertile after this. They say a high % is. But after what I’ve been thru w/both of my kids? My daughter only has one ovary now and my son will probably be infertile. So I don’t really care if I have grandkids anymore….only means more potential for heartache and I’ve had my fill!! I use to want grandkids really bad, but now??? Not so much!! I just my MY kids healthy!

There’s a side effect called GVSD, forgot what it means but it’s not nice. They talk about pain that happens w/the transplant afterwards. Possible liver failure, I could go on and on. They have to test him to see if his organs can even with stand all this!! :eek It’s just another big chunk I have to try to process and digest. THEN explain to ANdrew in a way to keep his spirits up & not get discouraged.

When your kid is diagnosed with a life threatening disease so out of the f**king blue (yup! anger rising again) you’d give anything to only worry about a sh**y job, or an over bearing husband or parent, or a dead beat BF ur afraid to dump, or a broken pool or a dying dog or someone hitting your luxury car u always wanted, or any other petty little BS things we worry about that don’t mean a g.d. thing when your kid is LITERALLY fighting for his life! If this could happen to us?? THIS CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE! SOOOOOOO APPREICATE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE! And if you don’t like what you have……CHANGE IT!

It might sound corny but I’m here to tell ya that when you have yours & your family’s health YOU DO HAVE EVERYTHING!!!!! Anything else is just BS!!! I promise you that!!! Try not being able to hug your kid when you’re use to hugging him all of the time because he’s in bed all the time. Or have to be so very careful even touching him because his skin is so sensitive from chemo. So when you think your life really sucks try thinking about the one person or animal you love in ur life so much and not being able to hug them. It will really put things into perspective.

Just before this happened I wrote on my myspace blog how grateful I was for my life. Was it perfect? No…well, yes after this. It was the simple things like lying on my new couch w/ my weiner dog, enjoyin my new paint job I did on my living room and hearing my son play Black Bird on his guitar as the scent of the jasmine incense he was burning filled the house. I was so happy! I’d give anything to have that back! And I APPRECIATED IT! But I guess it wasn’t enough. I’m not one to take things for granted. I’m one of those freaks that actually always stopped to smell the roses, the gardenias and every other flower that came across my path. I guess leukemia doesn’t care how much you love your life it will f**k it up any way.

I’m listening to the cd Leah gave me of Monks chanting. Maybe that will help. It’s over an hour long. I gotta do something to work thru this.

So I’m going to enjoy the next 10 days or so that Andrew is feeling really well and work on boosting his immune system so maybe just maybe my son will have an easier time. And spend time boosting my confidence yet again of his well being. And continue to count my blessings no matter how heavy my heart feels right now.


Magickal Blessings!

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  1. Karen T. says:

    I am in tears after reading this. This is the Karen with kids, Aly and Zach, I say that right away because I know you have a few Karens.
    You are so much more graceful than I think I could be in your shoes if this blog was me writing about one of them on this healing journey your son is on. Even with this “Warning…” entry, you are so much more graceful. There’d be a lot more warnings in my blogging! The only big perspective bringing event for me so far was when I had to stay positive after having to choose to reduce by 2 babies to save one…my Alyssa. We didn’t know who it was that we were saving, but going through that brought perspective to all of the other “bs” in our lives at the time. I’d forgotten a bit of that feeling until reading this blog this morning. I am sending healing energy and love to Andrew and to you and Martin right now. Remember also, I am local to home. If you need anything done here, just tell me and it will happen.

    Continued blessings to you and yours!


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