Well, it’s been 3 1/2 years since Andrew left, and guess what? I’m still NOT ok! While I am ok, with not being ok, it’s surprising how many are not. I understand that it will take quite a long time before I am fully functioning, and I’ll NEVER be ok with my 16yo son leaving, and yet most people are not ok with that. I also understand that most people can’t handle this kind of grief, or someone going through it. Of course those were the people that fell to way side awhile ago, when they realized this wasn’t just going to go away like the passing of a pet. That it is going to be a much longer process than that. A lot of people, including family, don’t have the constitution for it. When grief over losing a child gets hard, most people bolt, family and friends bolt. Not only will they bolt, they will also turn on you. Nope! That is not even a joke.
So along with the grief, you also have to deal with people turning on you. Oh yes, people will in fact turn on you, especially when a child is diagnosed with a cancer. The parents will be blamed for the diagnosis AND the child’s passing! Wish I was lying, but I am not. I found out it didn’t just happen to us, that this is in fact the norm with “cancer kid parents.” A group I NEVER thought I would be a part of. A group I NEVER wanted to be a part of and yet I am. More on that later, probably in the next book later, because it ain’t purdy. This post is about pieces of me.
Martin and I were recently talking about where we are in this grief process. While we are ahead of the game than most going through this kind of trauma apparently, we both realize we are dealing with depression, a functioning depression I recently found out. I also realize I am not fully present, hence the memory loss. I realize that I am not fully in body, which would explain why I don’t remember a lot. While I am not fully in body, I am not conscious of where I go either. It would be way cool if I knew where the hell I did go, but I don’t, so it really is an issue that needs to be healed. Being in this metaphysical field, you know people that deal with this sort of thing. Being in Phoenix last weekend meeting new friends, and seeing old ones, could prove to be very healing for me.
A friend had a talk with me about this very issue. He saw that I was not fully present, that there were pieces of me that left with Andrew. I totally agreed with him, I knew that a HUGE part of me left with Andrew. He offered to have a session with me to help bring those pieces of me back. A soul retrieval if you will. For some people that may seem way out there, very woo woo, but in my world it totally makes sense, and is quite common AND quite healing. This sort of thing can happen during childhood trauma as well. It’s any wonder that there’s any part of me left here. I told him I was in! I was willing to do this kind of healing. I know taking back the pieces of me that left with Andrew wouldn’t take away my connection with him, instead I know it could bring us closer. Since I don’t even know where I go, I might as well bring those pieces back to me so I can be more present here.
It’s not really serving me, missing parts of me. Well, that’s a lie. It has served me in helping me to cope with my tremendous loss. I know a huge part of me left with Andrew because it is just way too painful to deal with all of this grief fully present. I think I would explode! I mean, Andrew is my son, he was my best friend, my Prince, my everything, *wipes tears* as your children tend to be. I chose not to medicate myself because I knew I couldn’t trust myself with drugs, and it doesn’t heal anything taking them anyway. It just numbs you. I also knew I would O.D. on them because I wanted out so bad. I couldn’t stand being in my skin sometimes…a lot of the time. It is a grief and pain that is so deep, a despair so intense, that you will do anything to make it stop. Instead I chose to partially check out for awhile. Just enough to function ok here, and deal with the grief a little at a time, a layer at a time, but that can only last for so long if you want to have a full life here.
So some time this year I will be meeting up with this friend to heal, to bring back the pieces of me that left with Andrew. It doesn’t matter how much you know metaphysically, losing a child still lets you know your human side, your parent side, and it is a powerful side while in this body. There is no escape from it, all you can do is deal with it head on if you have any hope of healing it. We all have our coping mechanisms for trauma, grief and stress. I think mine has been a fairly healthy coping mechanism to use to survive these past 3 1/2 years, but it is definitely time for me to get back my… pieces of me.
IT’S ALL GOOD!
i have to say that for a person with pieces missing, u still do a wonderful job in what u do. u have helped me and given me hope. how that comes out of u dealing with greif, i dont know. doesnt seem to make sense. but it is what it is. and u r right, its a coping mechanism. i cant really fathom what it would be like to lose a child. i lost my best friend years ago and i am not over that. losing a child has to be about the biggest loss one can suffer. u cannot rush how u deal, each person deals different. and in a way this helps u see more clearly who is really worth holding on to. anyone who could possibly not understand what a terrible and life changing thing this is, doesnt really understand human nature. kids r not supposed to die before their parents. its like mathmatically wrong. i feel so bad losing my friend cos she was the center of my world and when things are out of control i feel that void 100 times over, but still it cannot shadow the loss of a child. you do what works for u. u concentrate on u and ur work and ur family that stands by u. the others can all go do what they want. if they cant see whats right, then they are beyond help right now. you are reaching out in ur time of need and helping others, helping ur son spread what is right. maybe they cant grasp the greatness of that, but there are many of us that can. i know it hurts to realize people arent there for u, but concentrate on who is and on ur son and husband and daught and kaliana! ur work is iimportant and like any great work, is not easy and will have a lot who will fight against it. but no one is as beautiful and strong and wise as u and u r doing this all thru grief. u r an awesome person and that is one of the reasons u were chosed to raise an avatar. u have what it takes. believe in urself and those that dont have the sense to believe in u just dont know what they are missing.
Great blog. Its been awhile since I was reading your blogs, I tried to catch up a little on some of them and they definitely should be in your books.
Spirit gave me a pretty strong message last night. It was that nothing here belongs to us. We are just visitors here, things and people come into our life for a little while because we earned them and we are meant to enjoy them but the more we attach to something or someone the quicker we are to loose them. It isn’t fair, but its the way the density of this world works.
So I have to learn to enjoy things in my life but detach from them as well.
You and Martin have journeyed through this turmoil better than probably anyone could. I think its awesome that you will be going to get your soul back and I think you guys will become all the stronger for going through all of this.
Virtual hugs through my tears Connie….
I have no idea where you must be sometimes, but my Mama heart aches for yours when I try to imagine.