Well, it’s been 3 1/2 years since Andrew left, and guess what? I’m still NOT ok! While I am ok, with not being ok, it’s surprising how many are not. I understand that it will take quite a long time before I am fully functioning, and I’ll NEVER be ok with my 16yo son leaving, and yet most people are not ok with that. I also understand that most people can’t handle this kind of grief, or someone going through it. Of course those were the people that fell to way side awhile ago, when they realized this wasn’t just going to go away like the passing of a pet. That it is going to be a much longer process than that. A lot of people, including family, don’t have the constitution for it. When grief over losing a child gets hard, most people bolt, family and friends bolt. Not only will they bolt, they will also turn on you. Nope! That is not even a joke.
So along with the grief, you also have to deal with people turning on you. Oh yes, people will in fact turn on you, especially when a child is diagnosed with a cancer. The parents will be blamed for the diagnosis AND the child’s passing! Wish I was lying, but I am not. I found out it didn’t just happen to us, that this is in fact the norm with “cancer kid parents.” A group I NEVER thought I would be a part of. A group I NEVER wanted to be a part of and yet I am. More on that later, probably in the next book later, because it ain’t purdy. This post is about pieces of me.
Martin and I were recently talking about where we are in this grief process. While we are ahead of the game than most going through this kind of trauma apparently, we both realize we are dealing with depression, a functioning depression I recently found out. I also realize I am not fully present, hence the memory loss. I realize that I am not fully in body, which would explain why I don’t remember a lot. While I am not fully in body, I am not conscious of where I go either. It would be way cool if I knew where the hell I did go, but I don’t, so it really is an issue that needs to be healed. Being in this metaphysical field, you know people that deal with this sort of thing. Being in Phoenix last weekend meeting new friends, and seeing old ones, could prove to be very healing for me.
A friend had a talk with me about this very issue. He saw that I was not fully present, that there were pieces of me that left with Andrew. I totally agreed with him, I knew that a HUGE part of me left with Andrew. He offered to have a session with me to help bring those pieces of me back. A soul retrieval if you will. For some people that may seem way out there, very woo woo, but in my world it totally makes sense, and is quite common AND quite healing. This sort of thing can happen during childhood trauma as well. It’s any wonder that there’s any part of me left here. I told him I was in! I was willing to do this kind of healing. I know taking back the pieces of me that left with Andrew wouldn’t take away my connection with him, instead I know it could bring us closer. Since I don’t even know where I go, I might as well bring those pieces back to me so I can be more present here.
It’s not really serving me, missing parts of me. Well, that’s a lie. It has served me in helping me to cope with my tremendous loss. I know a huge part of me left with Andrew because it is just way too painful to deal with all of this grief fully present. I think I would explode! I mean, Andrew is my son, he was my best friend, my Prince, my everything, *wipes tears* as your children tend to be. I chose not to medicate myself because I knew I couldn’t trust myself with drugs, and it doesn’t heal anything taking them anyway. It just numbs you. I also knew I would O.D. on them because I wanted out so bad. I couldn’t stand being in my skin sometimes…a lot of the time. It is a grief and pain that is so deep, a despair so intense, that you will do anything to make it stop. Instead I chose to partially check out for awhile. Just enough to function ok here, and deal with the grief a little at a time, a layer at a time, but that can only last for so long if you want to have a full life here.
So some time this year I will be meeting up with this friend to heal, to bring back the pieces of me that left with Andrew. It doesn’t matter how much you know metaphysically, losing a child still lets you know your human side, your parent side, and it is a powerful side while in this body. There is no escape from it, all you can do is deal with it head on if you have any hope of healing it. We all have our coping mechanisms for trauma, grief and stress. I think mine has been a fairly healthy coping mechanism to use to survive these past 3 1/2 years, but it is definitely time for me to get back my… pieces of me.
IT’S ALL GOOD!