Upon layers, upon layers of grief to deal with when losing a child to illness. AND it takes awhile to go through ALL the emotions that go along with it. I think it’s taking me awhile because of all the other nonsense I’ve had to deal with along with the grief of losing Andrew’s physical presence. I would explode if I tried to deal with all of this at once. Sometimes I still feel like I am going to explode anyway.
Through all of the pain, I still realize how blessed I am to have the gifts that I do, like a husband who is always there for me and is always hearing Andrew. I think the ONLY reason I am still here is because we have never lost contact with Andrew. There is no way I could have survived all of this if I had had a muggle belief in crossing over.
The next layer I am dealing with is the loss of relationships while in the hospital. When you go through such a life altering trauma involving your child, you rely on the people in the hospital to get you through. They are the only ones who truly understand what you are going through because they are there everyday in the trenches right with you. They are the ones who explain what is going on and if they love what they do, they take the time to show compassion. I connected with several people in the hospital and they were my ray of sunshine when I was there. They would take the time to talk to me about anything. They helped me cope by taking the time to talk to me or just listen.
I am now missing those relationships. I can only deal with so much loss a little at a time. I would love to be able to connect with them even every now and then. We did once with Andrew’s massage and occupational therapist for dinner. I loved it!
One of Andrew’s & my fav night nurses, Amy, I never even got to say good bye to. I really miss having these people to talk to, who shared the biggest event in my life. They shared with me many of the beautiful moments I had with Andrew. They experienced Andrew’s love, grace and courage first hand and I miss being able to talk to people who were there with me. It is yet another loss I am feeling. It’s not like I connected with a bunch of people, but the few I did, I miss them tremendously. I know Andrew touched them profoundly.
Seeing one of Andrew’s fav day nurses, Shawn, at Meagan’s service was so much fun. We shared our fav Andrew stories and just laughed and laughed. It felt good to share stories with someone who was there. We talked so long we were kicked outta the funeral home! Everyone else had already left.
I am hoping that when we go to see Doreen at the HayHouse ICDI conference in Tampa next month that we can stop by the hospital and say HI. I am hoping to be able to see Amy and have a proper goodbye.
Before anyone says anything, yes I have attempted to keep contact with a few people. But unlike me right now, they have a life.
Now onto a nice story. I was driving to Long Horns to see Elatia at work tonight. I will usually go on a Monday night to get me out of the house. I was thinking on the drive over there about how much I am dreading the holidays this year. I don’t have the shock to rely on to get me through this year. The tears were running down my face, then I was getting upset with myself about going to “that place,” telling myself that I need to quit going “there,” I am better than that. As I was frustrated with my mama gene, I noticed an 80’s song on the radio but didn’t pay attention to it because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I switched the station and that song comes on again! Twice in a row an 80’s song comes on? Yea, it got my attention! It wasn’t even an 80’s radio station. I asked Andrew, “Ok, why do you want me to hear this song?” At that very moment the song says, “You’re unbelievable!” Then I felt his love so strong and how much he wants me to see myself the way he does. I knew he was telling me to be gentle with myself. After all I had a tremendous loss and need to give myself time to adjust. He’s telling me now “C’mon Pretty Mama! Look who you physically lost!… ME!” Always the clown! Andrew can make me laugh and cry at the same time.
Martin called me on my cell right after I heard those words in the song, the tears streaming down my face. The rest of the song I didn’t hear because I was talking to Martin, it was only the “you’re unbelievable” I kept hearing while on the phone. Andrew didn’t want me to pay attention to any of the other words other than “You’re unbelievable.” He’s a good son! But he’s still grounded when I get over there! :-D
So now I am just trying to get through the next phase of grief without losing my mind.
IT’S ALL GOOD!