Upon layers, upon layers of grief to deal with when losing a child to illness. AND it takes awhile to go through ALL the emotions that go along with it. I think it’s taking me awhile because of all the other nonsense I’ve had to deal with along with the grief of losing Andrew’s physical presence. I would explode if I tried to deal with all of this at once. Sometimes I still feel like I am going to explode anyway.
Through all of the pain, I still realize how blessed I am to have the gifts that I do, like a husband who is always there for me and is always hearing Andrew. I think the ONLY reason I am still here is because we have never lost contact with Andrew. There is no way I could have survived all of this if I had had a muggle belief in crossing over.
The next layer I am dealing with is the loss of relationships while in the hospital. When you go through such a life altering trauma involving your child, you rely on the people in the hospital to get you through. They are the only ones who truly understand what you are going through because they are there everyday in the trenches right with you. They are the ones who explain what is going on and if they love what they do, they take the time to show compassion. I connected with several people in the hospital and they were my ray of sunshine when I was there. They would take the time to talk to me about anything. They helped me cope by taking the time to talk to me or just listen.
I am now missing those relationships. I can only deal with so much loss a little at a time. I would love to be able to connect with them even every now and then. We did once with Andrew’s massage and occupational therapist for dinner. I loved it!
One of Andrew’s & my fav night nurses, Amy, I never even got to say good bye to. I really miss having these people to talk to, who shared the biggest event in my life. They shared with me many of the beautiful moments I had with Andrew. They experienced Andrew’s love, grace and courage first hand and I miss being able to talk to people who were there with me. It is yet another loss I am feeling. It’s not like I connected with a bunch of people, but the few I did, I miss them tremendously. I know Andrew touched them profoundly.
Seeing one of Andrew’s fav day nurses, Shawn, at Meagan’s service was so much fun. We shared our fav Andrew stories and just laughed and laughed. It felt good to share stories with someone who was there. We talked so long we were kicked outta the funeral home! Everyone else had already left.
I am hoping that when we go to see Doreen at the HayHouse ICDI conference in Tampa next month that we can stop by the hospital and say HI. I am hoping to be able to see Amy and have a proper goodbye.
Before anyone says anything, yes I have attempted to keep contact with a few people. But unlike me right now, they have a life.
Now onto a nice story. I was driving to Long Horns to see Elatia at work tonight. I will usually go on a Monday night to get me out of the house. I was thinking on the drive over there about how much I am dreading the holidays this year. I don’t have the shock to rely on to get me through this year. The tears were running down my face, then I was getting upset with myself about going to “that place,” telling myself that I need to quit going “there,” I am better than that. As I was frustrated with my mama gene, I noticed an 80’s song on the radio but didn’t pay attention to it because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I switched the station and that song comes on again! Twice in a row an 80’s song comes on? Yea, it got my attention! It wasn’t even an 80’s radio station. I asked Andrew, “Ok, why do you want me to hear this song?” At that very moment the song says, “You’re unbelievable!” Then I felt his love so strong and how much he wants me to see myself the way he does. I knew he was telling me to be gentle with myself. After all I had a tremendous loss and need to give myself time to adjust. He’s telling me now “C’mon Pretty Mama! Look who you physically lost!… ME!” Always the clown! Andrew can make me laugh and cry at the same time.
Martin called me on my cell right after I heard those words in the song, the tears streaming down my face. The rest of the song I didn’t hear because I was talking to Martin, it was only the “you’re unbelievable” I kept hearing while on the phone. Andrew didn’t want me to pay attention to any of the other words other than “You’re unbelievable.” He’s a good son! But he’s still grounded when I get over there! :-D
So now I am just trying to get through the next phase of grief without losing my mind.
IT’S ALL GOOD!
((((Connie))))
Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Andrew is right (as usual! :-) ) “You’re unbelievable.â€
Hang in there- it will get better!
Love,
Leila
Thank you (((Leila.))) I think things will be getting better soon. Things are starting to look up a bit. We have a some things coming up. If you want, you can join us on Wed. Oct 22 on Laguna Beach for Andrew’s 1 yr. anniversary ceremony. Then we’re having a party back at my friend Tammy’s house. She lives off of El Toro 4 miles from the beach. I have to make good use of the “Welcome Home” signs I bought last year for his stem cell replacement.
Keep reminding yourself that it hasn’t been long at all and that this is your son that you lost physically. Good is coming, but you have to get through all that comes with such a big loss. And despite being enlightened, you are still human here on this plane and a mama to boot!! Cut yourself some slack and remember you ARE unbelievable! I don’t know anyone who could move through what you have with such grace. You may not feel like you have, but the rest of us will beg to differ. Loads of hugs to you Connie!!
”He’s telling me now “C’mon Pretty Mama! Look who you physically lost!… ME!†Always the clown! Andrew can make me laugh and cry at the same time.”
(((Connie))) Andrew continues to crack me up with his sense of humour. And his humility. He is so incredibly humble. LOL
Seriously though, how blessed am I to have known (and continue to getting to know) Andrew through your blog and your online posts on the AT board? I feel incredibly blessed.
The other day I was thinking and trying to figure out whether I would be missing anything by NOT going to Advanced ATP/AI. The conclusion I came to is that the only thing I am missing out on, is not meeting with you and Martin. That is absolutely the ONLY reason I would go. Alas, now, I am busy on a project at work and John and I have planned our holiday for the first three weeks in November to Singapore and Malaysia again.
Jane xxx
Connie – it’s like they said in the movie Shrek – Ogres have layers, onions have layers, and parfaits have layers. Always another layer to get through, and as you go inward, sometimes they get thicker and harder to get through – or, as in a parfait, sometimes light and airy, sometimes thick and fruity. LOL! It hasn’t even been a year!!!! So like Karen said, cut yourself some slack, baby! Lots of moms going through what you’re going through wouldn’t be blogging or trying to get back out there, or even getting out of bed in the morning! Sometimes it just SUCKS, and sometimes it feels a little better. You’re still a huge inspiration to me – TRULY unbelievable – and if anybody says anything different, let me know and I’ll kick their ass. hahahaha – I’m feeling feisty today, can you tell???? ((((HUGS)))) to you and Martin!
LOL Leah! Actually I do have someone that you an kick their ass! Well, I have several but this person, whom I only met 3 times and NEVER had a conversation with, had the balls to say to me at a women’s networking meeting 2 weeks ago that “I felt I had to share with you a message I am getting…” The way she said it I thought “Oh God! She ones of those ones that thinks she a Light Worker but hasn’t a clue” I was right! She continues “I am getting that you need to start living and not be concerned with talking or hearing your son. There will be time for that when you cross.” Well that pissed me off! She saw my 2 fliers of the events I have coming up on the table and STILL had the balls to say that?! I let her have it as much as I could with the loud music.
I know her sister and saw her over the weekend prior to this, we had a good time and I was telling her about working on astral traveling to see Andrew. She works in the local metaphysical store so I thought she would get it. I was wrong.
Am I like a light or something for these damned moths??? LOL
LOL LOL Jane, yes Andrew’s humility since he left is astounding! He was so humble and shy here. He says those things because he knows it will make me laugh and it does. Plus it gives us a chance to make fun of his humility! He knows we always go for the joke, glad to see he is still doing that.
Sorry we won’t meet you in Kona but it sounds like a great holiday you have planned instead. One of these days I will get Down Under and tour. Angie may be trying to hook me up with that one.
Thanks Karen, but this mama gene is wearing my ass out! I wish she’d take more of a break. I know she will when we are out doing what we love.
See? That’s why I need you guys here to help keep me straight! Again, I have too much time on my hands to think and be hard on myself. Having all this time to think about how much I miss my son, my buddy, my boyfriend, my hero, gets overwhelming. It’s hard to focus on who Andrew is now when I am in this house most of the time, walking past his room and him not in it. It is a CONSTANT reminder of my loss. I am doing what I can on my own to work on focusing who Andrew is now, but I am around more reminders of who he was here. It is a constant battle.
When I get to do things like the radio show we recently did, it does wonders for my morale! I can’t believe how good I feel. I don’t feel like I’m just sitting around waiting to die. Honestly, it feels like that sometimes, more times than I care to think about.
So thank all of you who have been on here consistently lending your love and support!
((((HUGS))))))
((((Connie))))
As I was reading through the responses this morning—btw -what a great bunch of wise, loving people on here!!!!—I heard the song “A Change Will Do You Good†Soon you’ll be in Kona and So. CA among your friends, doing what you love doing and in incredibly beautiful places to boot!!!
((((Connie)))) you can’t control other people’s behavior all you can do is pray one day they will *wake up* (or you can send Leah after them! lol lol lol)
I am honored and would love to attend Andrew’s celebration and see you again…it’s been way too long. Thank you for the invite. Just email me the details and I’ll be there!!! Are you doing any shows when you’re here or just visiting?
Hope your heart is feeling a bit lighter today.
More love & hugs sent your way
Leila
We have a show in Palm Desert at Angel and Nature Expressions on Thursday Oct 23rd. That was all I was able to book. I am excited I could get that show. They love us out there so I’m really looking forward to it! I will e-mail you the details once I figure everything out.
LOL LOL Jane, yes Andrew’s humility since he left is astounding! He was so humble and shy here. He says those things because he knows it will make me laugh and it does. Plus it gives us a chance to make fun of his humility! He knows we always go for the joke, glad to see he is still doing that.
This is exactly how my family has always worked too. Humour and taking the piss out of ourselves. It just makes life so much easier at times. LOL
OMG Connie, just read what you had said that woman told you about Andrew. I would have slapped her.
[quote]After all I had a tremendous loss and need to give myself time to adjust. He’s telling me now “C’mon Pretty Mama! Look who you physically lost!… ME!†[/quote]
I am so happy he told you what Leah and I keep drumming into you. LOL! You really need to be patient with yourself, and with the mama gene. Don’t be upset with the mama gene. Mama gene is one of the strongest emotions as you already know. And mama gene deserves respect, loving and caring.
[quote]She continues “I am getting that you need to start living and not be concerned with talking or hearing your son. There will be time for that when you cross.†[/quote]
Oh dear God. THIS talking to your son, and hearing him is what is keeping you LIVING! I can’t even imagine a muggle thinking this way…even our muggle brains know that talking about the person who has crossed over is healing. If you don’t talk about him, if you don’t talk to him, it doesn’t mean you stop thinking of him. It means you’ll continue bottling it inside of you and get really sick. Someone needs to explain this to this woman.
Believe me! If I get another chance to talk to her I will! I will set her dumb ass straight! I don’t think she even has any kids either!
It is unbelievable to me the absolute thoughtless things people have said to me since Andrew’s ascension. They have come from people like her, CLUELESS! People that think they are all enlightened when in fact that is the last thing they are! Those are scary ass people to me. Oh and it’s been from people that don’t even now me! They know OF me but don’t know me. Pimp slaps for all of them!!!
We call them bitch slaps down under. Make it a double.
Oh yes, we have the bitch slaps here too. :-D I think a round of each is in order! I’m buying! LOL