Is that you really find out who people are and who your friends are when going through a major crisis or achieving success. I have found the incredible generosity of people I barely knew and the disappoint of people I thought I knew. I owe so many people a HUGE thank you and I hope to get that done within the year.

What I have found is how grateful I am and I want to thank all of you here that have ALWAYS been here to lend your support and love. I know it hasn’t always been easy to read the pain I have been going through in losing my son’s physical being. I appreicate you all so much!! Especially since some of the people that were close to me have not been there. These people knew they could reach out to me and be there no matter how far away they are. All they had to do was make the effort to come here to this blog because I pretty much live here.

What I have found is that a lot of people lost interest in us when Andrew crossed. They quit coming here and just lost interest. Oh well, celesta vive!

What I have found is that while I can tie up and gag the mama gene, she always seems to find her way out of it anyway! DAMMIT!

What I have found is that when people are sitting in their shit and you are not, they will try and hand you their shit and call it yours. That has happened on several occasions in the past year with friends….ex friends now.

What I have found is that a major crisis is an opportunity to clear out things and people in your life that don’t really need to be there anymore anyway.

What I have found is that some people would have been able to handle this if I was in constant crisis, or was depressed all of time and crying. Because I have been fairly strong through all this, some people can’t handle it so they stay away & go and find people that are either in crisis or find someone who will buy into theirs.

What I have found is when I realized that recently, I thought of all of you here that have been so diligent in sending your love and offering me words of kindness, encouragement and support on a regular basis, I was overwhelmed with such love and gratitude when I thought of you! My prayer is that I can do that for you. A lot of you I have never met! I don’t know if some of you even know that Swati and I have NEVER met! I have never met Dana! Leah, I met after Andrew was diagnosed. Karen T it’s only been a year. All of the major ‘playas’ on this blog I haven’t known a long time or have never met. Joanie, Leo and Leila I have met through ATP(r) and I am blown away by your support! And Jeremy & Denise who have always been there through all of this in person AND still come here to lend support, thank you! Thank you to all of you who have posted at one time or another! You have helped me to stay strong!!! Thank you for loving me for who I Am. Thank you for literally being a life line for me!

What I have found is that I found out what my family is made of! My husband and daughter mean more to me than they could ever know!!! That this journey could have easily torn us apart, but has only brought us closer together. That I did in fact create the family I always wanted & Andrew is still a major part of it! Just not the way I ever imagined he’d be!

What I have found is that by getting rid of the things that no longer serve me, I have made room for more good to come into my life!


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29 Responses to WHAT I HAVE FOUND

  1. Leah Clark says:

    Yaaay! There you are! I was going to send one of my “withdrawal” emails this morning. LOL It’s a priviledge for us to go through this with you! I continue to be inspired by your courage and your sharing. You won’t get rid of us that easy!!! xoxoxoxox

  2. admin says:

    See?? That’s what I’m talking about! Feeling the love Leah! Feeling the love!

  3. Elatia says:

    I love u mommy!! =O)

  4. admin says:

    Awwwwww LOVE YOU Waish!!!

  5. Leo says:

    I was thinking of you so strongly and have had the urge to call again. I know there are some things going on with the friends. I know. I wondered if you needed support in handling it. You are doing wonderfully, considering! I don’t mean that in I’m only a friend in crises. The only thing I wish for you sometimes is a really in tune, sympathetic grief counselor who would not pathologize you in your beliefs, experience and process. One that could be there physically for you on a weekly basis for a period of time. However, no counselor is better than one who might misunderstand you terribly. You are amassing support here and doing it your way. I trust Andrew and Martin and Elatia and more are helping so much. Like you wrote, it could have torn you all apart instead. Kudos to all of you!

  6. Lord Horus says:


    As I said earlier when I spoke to you on the phone, you need to email the following link to those certain someones who shall remain nameless.

    But who quite possibly has the initial…(Edited for content to protect the not so innocent.)

    You should send them this link.


    It still makes me laugh..

    But yeah Connie I know.. the hard times show us the stuff that people are really made of.. I’m so glad that I have Martin and you as Friends, you know how to kick an angel in the ass when he needs it.

  7. kimberley says:

    Sending you loads of loving Angels, to wrap their wings around you.
    Ditto to “…is that a major crisis is an opportunity to clear out things & people in your life that don’t really need to be there anymore anyway…”
    F#@! em’
    As, Andrew says’ IT’S ALL GOOD and yes, more wonderful things are in and coming into your life!

  8. admin says:

    LOL Leo! You certainly are not that! You have been a great support to me before this journey started and was consistent ALL the way through it!

    Now Jeremy….be nice, how un-Angel of you!!!! You’ve been hanging around the eleMental too long!! LOL I know how much time and energy you put into Andrew’s healing. It’s a big part of the reason he did so well & the ‘big guns’ had to be called in to get him.

    Thank you Kimberly!! I know it hasn’t been easy coming here so I really do appreicate all of you that have continued to do so through the good, the bad and the ugly! :-D

  9. Denise says:

    Well as I have told you before your stuck with me women!!!LOL

    To Quote Jeremy ” I’am sooooo glade to have You and Martin as Friends. ” and that you knew when to kick another wise one in the but when she needed it

    I Love You


  10. Denise says:

    P.S. I agree ,you should send the link Jeremy gave you!!!!! me bad

  11. Lord Horus says:


    Funny thing about that… My Angel Give a Damn seems to be Broke right now. LOOK OUT.. DARK ANGEL on the LOOSE… MUuuahahahahaha!

    Lord Horus

  12. Leah Clark says:

    Jeremy – Dark Angel indeed! OMG…………………….

    Connie – they look a bit like dancing elves, don’t you think? hahahahaha

    (did I type that out loud?)

  13. Leila says:

    (((Connie))) you are soo loved! I wish that I could do more but I trust that all you need and more are already given. :-)

    I found- that when I went thru breast cancer and chemo almost 20yrs ago—my best friend of yrs could not deal with it and told me it was just too *painful* for her. She stopped speaking to me. What a wonderful opportunity she passed on. Other people that I barely new brought food to the house/flowers/ gifts so much love and support. On chemo days they took my eldest after pre-school for the day and brought her home fed and exhausted. I could go on & on with stories of kindness from almost strangers who turned into dear friends. It was a gift to let go of people and things that no longer served me and to open the door to allow more loving and giving people into my life.

    The other day I was wondering just what our connection is all about. I know some not all ;-) I do know that it is what it is (so profound I know LOL) and I am grateful for it.

    *Waves* to Leo & Joanie I found a picture this weekend of you two, Jim & me taken at the reunion yrs ago! It made me all warm & fuzzy. :-) miss you all!

    I love you (((Connie))).

    Sending you, Martin and Elatia much love, gratitude and abundant blessings,


  14. Sara-Ovationgirl says:

    Connie, sending out the love to you Martin and Elatia..always… I sometimes stray away as life happens but always comeback to those I feel bonds to.
    Funny how you mention losing some when in crisis, how true I am finding that and even within the family are some who cannot rise to be a team player…but I find I cannot worry about the whys and reasons of all of it, I just have to find what I need where I can for those are my priorities..

    hugs and love–

    PS Jeremy I nearly lost it when I read of your Angel Give a Damn being broken! LMAO!

  15. Dana says:

    Ditto the LOL @ Jeremy! You have been hanging around with the eleMental too long ;)


    Awww…Connie! [[[hugs!]]] I’m so honored to be included in the group!

    Seriously, I only come here and check my email when I’m on the net. We may be a bit small and quiet (for the time being), but we are an AWESOME bunch! *waves pompoms*

    PS – I’ve ‘known’ Swati since 2003 and we’ve never met face to face either.

    PSS – AWESOME insights!

  16. Janet says:

    Connie, your an amazing woman to have the strength and insight you have with everything going on in your life. I wish other’s in this world had your spirit and strength!
    As I have told you before, I read your writtings EVERY morning, and it just amazes me. Wishing you, Martin, Elatia and Andrew always the best! Love you all,


  17. Pretty Mama says:

    Leah, dancing elves! LMAO!

    WOW Leila, you really do get what I’m talking about. It’s kinda amazing to watch it unfold isn’t it? I guess this too is just a blessing and opportunity in disguise is all. It just means it’s time to clean house and make room for some cooler things to come in.

    Sorry to hear you are finding the same thing Sarah…or should I say good on ya for seeing the opportunity as well. :-) I know everyone here is sending love and healing your way!

    Yea Jeremy, I can see why your ‘Angel Give Damn’ is broke right now. Stick around me for awhile and I can show you the way of the Wise Ones to where you don’t attract those who will take advantage of your kind heart. Usually the Angels don’t have the stomach for it, but I think you are ready! :-D You have come a long way from trying to rescue the very young, scary, anorexic, goth chicks! For that you should be proud! Might be time for a Wise One firmly on their path….down the road. NO MORE ELEMENTALS for you! Except for Martin.

    An awesome bunch in deed Dana! *waves pompoms w/Dana!* Geez Dana, you hit the ground running when you game to this blog and forum and I deeply appreciate it!

    ((((GROUP HUG)))))))

  18. Joanie Light says:

    What I have found are a wonderful family that is teaching us all valuable lessons, who have helped me through my own issues by reading the story of theirs, who have lovingly called me on my shit and given me the courage to have stronger boundaries, who have made me laugh through tears and literally laugh until I peed.

    What I have found are a wife and husband who despite losing their precious son have graciously stepped up to be our teachers.

    What I have found are friends and spiritual family who inspire be to do better with my own life and relationships.

    We love you.

    And….as someone else said, f’ ’em if they don’t get it. (Smooch)

  19. Joanie Light says:

    Had to add another comment for Jeremy

    OMG….I just watched the YouTube. I nearly spit coffee all over my computer. That was freaking hilarious.

  20. Pretty Mama says:

    Joanie, R U tryin to make me cry??? Well you done it! Wait till I see you Kona!!!!……..You will get a great big hug! ;-)

    Thank you for the reminder that others do benefit from our experience. I forget sometimes while moving through my pain.

    Thank you to all of you who have reminded me from time to time that there is a lot of good coming from this journey. You have all touched my heart! I meant it when I said that you all have been a life line to me. I mean, there’s only so much Martin can do for me, bless his wee cotton socks! lol I know he appreciates all of you helping to carry the burden that can be me! :-D

    I feel another group hug coming on!

    ((((((((((GROUP HUG))))))))))))

  21. Swati says:

    Oh mannnnnnnnnn!! I just typed out a looooooooong comment here, and the window disappeared on me! Now I have to go…taking baby to the hospital. Hopefully I’ll get time from the poor ill baby to come and retype all of that.

    Till then…sending you lots and lots of hugs…to all of you!
    PS: Hope to “see” you soon!

  22. admin says:

    Sorry about that Janet, didn’t see the the comment in moderation. WOW! Thank you! You are one of the few that continue to come here. I appreciate that!! Also thank you for including Andrew! I will let you know when we plan on making it over to the east coast.

    Awwwww Swati, my prayers & thoughts are with your baby. Can’t wait till you come back!

  23. It’s amazing on how much you have lost & dealt with & how much u have learned!!! What you see…..how you see it…how you feel it; the depth that has been added, is absolutely amazing!! I am very proud of you for wamking your talk…you can’t get rid of me either!!! I love you guys!!
    P.S……WHO in their right mind told Jeremy he is an angel????? HMMMM
    P.P.S I can’t watch deadliest Catch…heart isn’t in it..
    P.P.P.S I registered Rushingspirit as a domain name!!!
    P.P.P.P.S Send me new material to sell at the churches!! that you want to “do”

    Love you

  24. Pretty Mama says:

    Good for you Tammy!!! Congrats on the domain name! Seriously?? Jeremy is a big ass Angel! You haven’t seen the strays he tried to love better!? LMAO! They came into the store and LOVED me and didn’t like Martin. That was our first clue something was wrong with them! LMAO!

    As far as the churches, I can e-mail you the press release that way all you have to do is show them that it sez it all and they can go to my website for the press kit.

    This journey sucks ass! AND I hate that I am on it!! BUT I have to try and make sense of it all because I know there is a reason for all this. Not sure what it is yet, but I know the 3 of us agreed to this for some dumb ass reason! I’m just glad that I have the people here that I do going on this journey with me reminding me I am loved through it all!

  25. Karen T. says:

    I read Joanie’s comment and can not say it better!!

    “What I have found are a wonderful family that is teaching us all valuable lessons, who have helped me through my own issues by reading the story of theirs, who have lovingly called me on my shit and given me the courage to have stronger boundaries, who have made me laugh through tears and literally laugh until I peed.

    What I have found are a wife and husband who despite losing their precious son have graciously stepped up to be our teachers.

    What I have found are friends and spiritual family who inspire be to do better with my own life and relationships.

    We love you.

    And….as someone else said, f’ ‘em if they don’t get it. (Smooch)”

    You are soooo loved!!

  26. Jane says:

    (((Connie))) and (((Martin))) not a day goes by that I don’t think of either Andrew, you guys or Elatia.

    You are so right about how the friends you really think you can rely on, no matter what, don’t always pull through for us. And vice versa.

    ”eleMental” Who you??? Never……… You are probably one of the most sane people I have met.

  27. Jane says:

    Mmmm, actually. Technically we haven’t ‘met’. Just kidding.

    Sending you a huge hug.

  28. Dana says:

    This is so cool! :-D

    I have a rather wicked cold and ear infection right now – so I won’t say too much cuz it will be the cold meds talking and not me *grin*

    [[[[[[[[[ GROUP HUGS! ]]]]]]]]]]

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