People wonder how we are able to cope with such a HUGE loss in our lives. There is no greater pain than losing a child. It’s a parent’s worst nightmare and I think we all, as parents, always worry about that. I nearly lost both my kids in a year! And ended up losing one anyway. WTF? We had the perfect family! We love one another very much! We respected one another and love being together! How could this happen to us! We are so functional! We are the poster child for a loving, functional family! How many can say that?? It would appear that it doesn’t pay off to heal all your shit and do the right thing and be the best that you can be. That’s the mama grief talking, I know. Moving on.
As a parent I can’t even believe I’m still standing! I nearly lost my daughter last Dec. She nearly died in recovery after surgery for an ovarian tumor! But it didn’t end there. One dr. wanted to treat it as an aggressive form of ovarian cancer and do more surgery, chemo and radiation!! He wanted to do that because it was so rare, only 3% of the world’s population has ever had it! Hmmm want to be published much?? Now it wasn’t cancerous, it came back as “has malignant potential.” Her cat scan came back neg for cancer so why would we slice, dice and poison her??? “Just incase???” Are you freakin kidding me?? That’s why western medicine frustrates me most of the time! It’s mentalities like that! AND the gynie refused to see her anymore because she wouldn’t go to the oncologist & allow herself to be mutilated! Amazing isn’t it??
SO I was dealing with that all year long, making sure she was ok. SHe was seeing a Dr. of Chinese medicine whose specialty is cancer and Chinese medicine. PERFECT! Also took her to a dr. in Long Beach Ca., Dr. Steve Ward, who x-rays & reads your spine and tells you WHY you have a certain dis-ease & what emotional things you have to work on to heal it.
Well, Elatia, didn’t have any “hostile patterns” which would’ve meant cancer. She is doing fine now and her sonogram came back great for the other ovary in July. Which is when we got hit with Andrew being diagnosed! SO I no sooner get one kid healthy I get hit with another major illness with the other. What parent deserves that???? It’s not fair! And through it all I haven’t turned to drugs or alcohol or food or anything to deal with it. Ok, I did turn to blogging. ;-) And Martin and I are stuck together like glue. We even handled all this trauma & devastation in a functioning way!! We deserve to ascend now! We’re too cool for this Earth school!! Where’s a garage when you need one dammit!
But then again, who knows, maybe there’s a major breakdown with the white “love me” jacket & all for me down the road a bit when it all sinks in. My guess, probably not. I just can’t catch a break!! LOL
I’m explaining all this so you have a bit of back ground what we’ve been going through this past year. Last year this time people were coming in for my daughter’s wedding and this year it was for my 16yr old son’s funeral! How f**ked up is that??? VERY! Last year he was this handsome, 6ft amazing 15yr. old boy hanging with his friends and now he sits in an urn on my living room shelf! Can you say mind f**k?
Soooooo when I get overwhelmed and Martin needs a little help, Andrew picks a song for us, either through me or through Martin and we dance. We dance, we talk and we cry all at the same time & we feel Andrew dancing with us. It helps me to release the grief & apparently some anger, yes a dance is obviously needed now, and we focus on who he is now & the relationship we have with him now.
So as you can see it’s all a process. It’s only been 3 weeks and I think we are doing pretty good considering it hasn’t been that long. As you can tell I have my up and down moments. And it’s usually within a minute I have them all!
So if you have your kids and your family is intact, I don’t care what your situation is, appreciate it! You never know when something could come in and really screw it up for you. If your not happy in your current situation, change it!! You have control over it. When an illness hits like this?? You have no control other than how you deal with it. And we were able to still find joy and happiness through this experience. What do we do when it’s becomes a struggle…. WE DANCE!
IT’S ALL GOOD!