Yesterday I was really missing my Mucker hugs BIG time. I was standing there washing the dishes and wishing so much that Andrew was going to come around the corner like he always did and hug me so tight and ask, “How’s it going Pretty Mama? I love you!” It hit me like a ton of bricks yet again that I will NEVER hear Andrew’s voice or feel his hugs ever again this lifetime. That realization gets so overwhelming at times, I can’t stand being in my own skin. When something tragic like losing a child happens, you can’t feel all the grief at once that comes with it, if you did, you would explode. So it comes in waves over time. It starts with the tidal waves of grief that almost consume you. Then the waves get smaller, still painful, but at least smaller.
As I stood in front of my sink with tears running down my face, missing those incredible hugs Andrew so freely gave, feeling sorry for myself, the song Viva La Vida by Cold Play came on. A song that Andrew knows reminds me of him. So that brought a smile to my face through my tears. Then when I was coming home from Walgreens, the green arrow was on but I wasn’t sure if I would make it in time when I “heard,” “Don’t worry, I’ll hold it for you Mommy.” The light stayed green longer than I ever remember it staying green before. I thanked him.
I did have a dream last night where I felt connected to Andrew, not an actual OBE, but I did have the feeling of being with him.Â It was weird because I could hug him but he really couldn’t hug me, I don’t remember why. Grief still controls my dreams. But the feeling I had, made me feel a little closer to Andrew and that is a good start.
Andrew also hasn’t turned on his fairy light the last 2 days. Not even for the amazing, historical, inauguration day, but he did today for me. I always appreciate it when he turns it on.
I know Andrew doesn’t like it when I miss him so much, but too bad, he doesn’t get a say. He’s not a mother! A mother losing their child trumps everything! But Andrew does try extra hard to make me feel better when I am having a hard time. For instance, I went to our blog talk radio show tonight to cancel tonight’s show, Martin and I just weren’t up for it, one of the advertisements when I pulled up our page was for a lost interview of John Denver! :-0 Then when I went to my myspace page there was a Naruto ad w/Kakashi, Andrew’s fav Naruto character, he wore Kaskashi’s head band in the hospital. The ad said “While Naruto concentrates on training to control his chakra, a mysterious person suddenly appears before him.” Hmmm big mystery why Andrew loved that cartoon. He always told me how that cartoon and the Avatar one were real and not just anime, but talked about real things hidden in a cartoon.
I have never seen a Naruto ad on myspace before. It was odd tonight to see a John Denver and Naruto ad on 2 different web pages of mine. A definite hello from Andrew, border line on yelling at me “Hellloooo I’m here Mommy!” I acknowledge that, but it’s not the same as having his incredible hugs and kisses that I’ll never have again this lifetime. Think about not being able to ever have that again with one of your kids. It’s heart wrenching and something you never get over as a mother. It just makes leaving here a lot easier when it’s your time. When your child goes before you, you don’t fear “dying,” instead you look forward to the day you are reunited again. I’m just doing my time until it’s my time that I can finally go.
IT’S ALL GOOD