Yesterday I was really missing my Mucker hugs BIG time. I was standing there washing the dishes and wishing so much that Andrew was going to come around the corner like he always did and hug me so tight and ask, “How’s it going Pretty Mama? I love you!” It hit me like a ton of bricks yet again that I will NEVER hear Andrew’s voice or feel his hugs ever again this lifetime. That realization gets so overwhelming at times, I can’t stand being in my own skin. When something tragic like losing a child happens, you can’t feel all the grief at once that comes with it, if you did, you would explode. So it comes in waves over time. It starts with the tidal waves of grief that almost consume you. Then the waves get smaller, still painful, but at least smaller.
As I stood in front of my sink with tears running down my face, missing those incredible hugs Andrew so freely gave, feeling sorry for myself, the song Viva La Vida by Cold Play came on. A song that Andrew knows reminds me of him. So that brought a smile to my face through my tears. Then when I was coming home from Walgreens, the green arrow was on but I wasn’t sure if I would make it in time when I “heard,” “Don’t worry, I’ll hold it for you Mommy.” The light stayed green longer than I ever remember it staying green before. I thanked him.
I did have a dream last night where I felt connected to Andrew, not an actual OBE, but I did have the feeling of being with him. It was weird because I could hug him but he really couldn’t hug me, I don’t remember why. Grief still controls my dreams. But the feeling I had, made me feel a little closer to Andrew and that is a good start.
Andrew also hasn’t turned on his fairy light the last 2 days. Not even for the amazing, historical, inauguration day, but he did today for me. I always appreciate it when he turns it on.
I know Andrew doesn’t like it when I miss him so much, but too bad, he doesn’t get a say. He’s not a mother! A mother losing their child trumps everything! But Andrew does try extra hard to make me feel better when I am having a hard time. For instance, I went to our blog talk radio show tonight to cancel tonight’s show, Martin and I just weren’t up for it, one of the advertisements when I pulled up our page was for a lost interview of John Denver! :-0 Then when I went to my myspace page there was a Naruto ad w/Kakashi, Andrew’s fav Naruto character, he wore Kaskashi’s head band in the hospital. The ad said “While Naruto concentrates on training to control his chakra, a mysterious person suddenly appears before him.” Hmmm big mystery why Andrew loved that cartoon. He always told me how that cartoon and the Avatar one were real and not just anime, but talked about real things hidden in a cartoon.
I have never seen a Naruto ad on myspace before. It was odd tonight to see a John Denver and Naruto ad on 2 different web pages of mine. A definite hello from Andrew, border line on yelling at me “Hellloooo I’m here Mommy!” I acknowledge that, but it’s not the same as having his incredible hugs and kisses that I’ll never have again this lifetime. Think about not being able to ever have that again with one of your kids. It’s heart wrenching and something you never get over as a mother. It just makes leaving here a lot easier when it’s your time. When your child goes before you, you don’t fear “dying,” instead you look forward to the day you are reunited again. I’m just doing my time until it’s my time that I can finally go.
IT’S ALL GOOD
That was a sad blog entry…but so beautifully expressed. So much wisdom, understanding….and beauty too. “Beauty” because of his never ending efforts to make things better for you, to make you feel his presence. As always, I have no wise words of comfort. Just want you to know that I really feel for you, and wish this had never happened…no matter what great contract was written up there. As I was reading your words, I could almost see him standing around you, waving his hands in front of you, trying to get your attention.
Connie – I’m so glad you know you can come here and post whatever is on your mind. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, so I’m not going to try. Thank you for reminding me to get those hugs in now – even when Sarah does that teenage girl thing – “Mooom, stop – let go of me – c’mon, be done.” LOL I wish more dreams and OBEs for you where you can really, totally connect. Love you!!!! (((HUGS)))
Thank you Swati. Grief is a process and the grief over losing a child, such an amazing child is a longer process. I have just surrendered to it when it hits me, it’s all I can do. No use fighting it, grief will always win if you try and fight it and pretend it’s not there. With all that I have been through these past 2 years, it’s any wonder I am still standing and functioning.
You know Leah, that is one of the many things that made Andrew an extraordinary teenager, he was always giving the hugs and kisses and never pulled away from Martin and I. We only grew closer as he got older. He was always saying with his arms wide open “C’mon Pretty Mama, give it up! You know you want some!” Then he’d give me the best hug and kisses on top of my head or cheek. He would even do it in the hospital with his “fuzzy goodness.” I just miss those days so much. Andrew’s physical presence was such an intricate part of our day. I know it’s the grief holding me back from feeling and hearing him more now. But it appears that there is no rushing the grief.
I know Martin and I working on booking our new show does help, it gives me purpose. I’m sure once we are actually doing the shows it will be even better. Maybe I can move through this grief quicker. I think the sitting around has made it harder. Getting a life has got to help, right? :-)
Thank you for still being here and checking in with me. A lot of people have lost interest, so it means a lot to me that the few of you are still here offering your love and support. I am still emotionally raw and people tend to forget that, especially my so called family. They were the 1st to go. There’s just been waaaaaay too much for me to deal with, for me to just bounce back. I know I will never be the same. I’m still trying to find my footing again after all this trauma. I know I am not the most considerate person right now. On top of ALL of this, I am peri-menopausal. Yea, it’s really fun being me! So again Thank You to all of you that still come here and POST. (((((HUGS)))))
Hugs to you too… And I wish you OBE hugs ASAP!!
Dearest Connie,
What kind of a stalker would I be if I left you now and walked away? :-) I am glad you are giving up fighting the grieving process. It will take as much time as it needs to. And even though I have never felt a loss as great as yours, I know that fighting the process only tends to elongate it. Somehow, the “no-fighting” policy helps a lot. And having a son like yours helps too, who never gives up trying to tell you he is always near you. He is so wonderful!
Sending you hugs,
Swati
Yo! Don’t be so quiet! Come talk to us.
Connie – don’t be a snob – OMG – show your hiney on the blog… Connie – we feel like a blob – OMG – show your hiney on the blog… Connie – we’re gonna sob – OMG – if you don’t show your hiney on the blog… Connie – we’re so whiny – OMG – please, please, please – show your hiney on bloooooooog!!!!!!!
(crap… I guess it takes a NEW song to get her to come out and play… okay, here goes…)
(with a jazz feel)
Connie dear, we miss you
We’d really like to kiss you
But we can’t wrap our arms around you
If you’re out of sight
Connie, we’d like to
Sincerely invite you
To post another story on the blog
If you don’t come back, you might as well
Just turn all of your minions into frogs…
(((Connie)))
I was gonna ask you after the first song “they actually pay you to write lyrics Leah??”:-D I was inspired by the 2nd song tho ;-)
I’ve been trying to think of something to write about. Didn’t want to keep repeating myself with the baaawaaa baaaawaaaa-ing
LMAO!!! Leah, you’re the BEST!! I loved your first song about blobs. hahahahaha!!! Wish that could go on youtube.