First I have to say that I am dealing with so much more than just Andrew’s ascension. I wish that that was all I had to deal with but it’s not, and it gets overwhelming at times. I haven’t talked to anyone in days except for a few texts here and there. I am still in the stage of not calling anyone, but will talk if someone calls me. I totally understand Megan’s mom when I was told she wasn’t calling anyone but was taking phone calls. It is such a weird space to be in. I honor that for myself, it’s just where I happen to be.
I have had to deal with other people’s BS being dumped on me on top of the trauma of losing a child. Family dumping and taking their digs at us, people that never met us dumping their crap on us. It takes a toll on a person. I know Martin and I are strong but there is only so much a person can take with no break or resbit from all this nonsense and trauma. People are stressed from everyday BS, try adding the trauma of nearly losing a daughter, than a son’s terminal diagnosis, then living in a hospital for nearly 4 months, making life and death decisions everyday then losing a child on top of it, not working for 5 months!!!! Then see how much your life sucks!
There are people who have taken years to get over a miscarriage or a pet passing. That’s it! Just that! We lost our 13 yr old dog too! Sooooo to lose a 16year old son that was like your right arm is going to take time. I am disappointed at the family members that could not give me the space to be a grieving mother or could care less to see how I am doing now. But it doesn’t surprise me really, I kinda expected it. It was only Andrew they cared about not me, he’s not here now so f**k me, I don’t matter to them, which is a good thing I suppose. I am not vibrating low enough for them to want to be near me! :-D Even with what I am dealing with, I am still vibrating at a higher level than my family! YAY me!
I think that the shock is just now starting to wear off and I am dealing with a lot of emotions that I just couldn’t deal with before. It was too overwhelming. That is why I haven’t been on here. I am so mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. If I could get the hell out of here I would in a heart beat! I feel like I am just wasting my time on such a backwards planet of people who don’t want to evolve! I have NEVER felt so beat up before… this life time anyways. I am tired of sitting around here waiting for someone to see what we have to offer. I will only sit for so long. If it weren’t for the relationship Martin and I have, I wouldn’t be here now. SO yea, I am hanging on by a thread.
I held off coming here until I had something happier to write, but it just wasn’t happening. This is just what I have to go through, no running from it, there’s no escape, I just have to feel all this grief in order to move through it. Medication wont help, it will only prolong the inevitable. I have to deal with my emotions not only with the crossing of my beloved son, but the a$$wholes I have had to deal with as well. Talk about kicking a dog when they are down! Says a lot about their character! And to top off all this nonsense I’ve had to deal with, I am menopausal, and I haven’t had the funds to take my herbs on a regular basis so I am feeling it! Arrrrrg! I can’t even get a job bussing tables to help out! SO here I sit with my proverbial thumb up my proverbial a$$. Sitting around the house wondering why the hell I am even here! Grief ain’t purdy people! That’s a fact!
On the up side I do have 1 show coming up in Sept and a workshop for International Angel Day and a local real radio show interview Aug 27th. AND the show in Kona, Hawaii for Doreen Virtue. Gonna take that as a little vaca even tho we are working, at least we’ll be doing what we love. At least we’ll be with a few hundred people that appreicate us! That will be a nice change to have that in person! I have been sitting here for 9 months waiting for something great to happen, visualizing something great happening, it’s getting to me! Martin and I have a lot to say, a lot to teach and yet here we sit! It gets frustrating when you add all the other stress on top. Ready to hang yourself now after reading this? Wondering why I haven’t, right? Me to! So there you have it.
It’s All Good apparently