First I have to say that I am dealing with so much more than just Andrew’s ascension. I wish that that was all I had to deal with but it’s not, and it gets overwhelming at times. I haven’t talked to anyone in days except for a few texts here and there. I am still in the stage of not calling anyone, but will talk if someone calls me. I totally understand Megan’s mom when I was told she wasn’t calling anyone but was taking phone calls. It is such a weird space to be in. I honor that for myself, it’s just where I happen to be.

I have had to deal with other people’s BS being dumped on me on top of the trauma of losing a child. Family dumping and taking their digs at us, people that never met us dumping their crap on us. It takes a toll on a person. I know Martin and I are strong but there is only so much a person can take with no break or resbit from all this nonsense and trauma. People are stressed from everyday BS, try adding the trauma of nearly losing a daughter, than a son’s terminal diagnosis, then living in a hospital for nearly 4 months, making life and death decisions everyday then losing a child on top of it, not working for 5 months!!!! Then see how much your life sucks!

There are people who have taken years to get over a miscarriage or a pet passing. That’s it! Just that! We lost our 13 yr old dog too! Sooooo to lose a 16year old son that was like your right arm is going to take time. I am disappointed at the family members that could not give me the space to be a grieving mother or could care less to see how I am doing now. But it doesn’t surprise me really, I kinda expected it. It was only Andrew they cared about not me, he’s not here now so f**k me, I don’t matter to them, which is a good thing I suppose. I am not vibrating low enough for them to want to be near me! :-D Even with what I am dealing with, I am still vibrating at a higher level than my family! YAY me!

I think that the shock is just now starting to wear off and I am dealing with a lot of emotions that I just couldn’t deal with before. It was too overwhelming. That is why I haven’t been on here. I am so mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. If I could get the hell out of here I would in a heart beat! I feel like I am just wasting my time on such a backwards planet of people who don’t want to evolve! I have NEVER felt so beat up before… this life time anyways. I am tired of sitting around here waiting for someone to see what we have to offer. I will only sit for so long. If it weren’t for the relationship Martin and I have, I wouldn’t be here now. SO yea, I am hanging on by a thread.

I held off coming here until I had something happier to write, but it just wasn’t happening. This is just what I have to go through, no running from it, there’s no escape, I just have to feel all this grief in order to move through it. Medication wont help, it will only prolong the inevitable. I have to deal with my emotions not only with the crossing of my beloved son, but the a$$wholes I have had to deal with as well. Talk about kicking a dog when they are down! Says a lot about their character! And to top off all this nonsense I’ve had to deal with, I am menopausal, and I haven’t had the funds to take my herbs on a regular basis so I am feeling it! Arrrrrg! I can’t even get a job bussing tables to help out! SO here I sit with my proverbial thumb up my proverbial a$$. Sitting around the house wondering why the hell I am even here! Grief ain’t purdy people! That’s a fact!

On the up side I do have 1 show coming up in Sept and a workshop for International Angel Day and a local real radio show interview Aug 27th. AND the show in Kona, Hawaii for Doreen Virtue. Gonna take that as a little vaca even tho we are working, at least we’ll be doing what we love. At least we’ll be with a few hundred people that appreicate us! That will be a nice change to have that in person! I have been sitting here for 9 months waiting for something great to happen, visualizing something great happening, it’s getting to me! Martin and I have a lot to say, a lot to teach and yet here we sit! It gets frustrating when you add all the other stress on top. Ready to hang yourself now after reading this? Wondering why I haven’t, right? Me to! So there you have it.

It’s All Good apparently

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  1. Leila says:


    Glad that’s out!!! I could feel it brewing for several days now.
    Namaste and thank you for having the courage to let it out.

    Much love to you Pretty Mama.


  2. Lord Horus says:

    Let’s just stick to the plan though… Wait until 2012.. see what happens… and then decide if we are staying or not.. Only four more years..

    But all in all.. I agree.. the planet needs an enima.

  3. Leah Clark says:

    Connie – I would be surprised and concerned if you were all okay all the time. This SUCKS!! There’s just no other word for it. You (should) know that anytime you need to say F**K IT and want to say it here, please do! We don’t hang out so you can be a bright light all the time. We’re here for anything you have to dish out. Honor yourself, give yourself the time to ride this wave of grief. We will hold you as long as you need it. And we love you. xoxoxoxo (HUGS)

  4. Jane says:

    Yep, grief certainly does suck. LOL Although some days are easier than others but there are others that are just downright yucky and make us wonder what the heck we are doing here.

    Jeremy — still giggling at your comment about the enema.

  5. Leeanna says:

    I havn’t commented here before, but I’ve followed your journey here and on the ATP board. I’m sending you and Martin so much love now. You are both beautiful souls that chose a very challenging path this lifetime.. but since they say the Universe nevers gives up more than we can handle, “They” must know you two are pretty damn amazing to take on so much!
    There is a very deep bravery in writing what you feel – it doesn’t have to be pretty. Reality is not always pretty.
    Thank you for sharing YOU!
    Blessings and Love,

  6. Leila says:

    How are you doing today????
    If there is anything any of us can do for you please let us know.

    Sending you oodles and oodles of love and hugs (((((Connie)))))

  7. Denise says:

    {{{{{HUGE HUGS}}}}}}}}} I’ll see you tomorrow darlingk, sorry I’ve been busy with studying . It’s good to let it out ,the big the bad and the UGLY
    Ditto to what Leah
    xoxoxox LOVE YOU

  8. admin says:

    Thank you everyone (((((HUGS)))))) This whole grief thing sucks a$$! Even with all that we know it is still so very hard. How do people do it that don’t know what we do??!

    I spend waaaay too much time on my own. I always had Andrew here to do things with, he was my errand buddy, my cleaning buddy, my lunch date buddy, my hanging buddy. We always had the best conversations and I miss it so much. I have to work so hard now to try and connect with my son and I’m exhausted. I shouldn’t have to work so hard to be with him.

    As much trauma as we have been through, I am ready for just as much success, fun and excitement!! It has to be right around the corner if there’s any justice in this Universe!

    I won’t be playing with my herbal supplements anymore! I will do what I have to to make sure I have at least 2 of them to help me stay on track! :-)



  9. Swati says:

    Sending you lots of love Connie. I’m glad you came here and wrote.

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