I swear they don’t! I can out skitz them/him anytime! Honestly! One moment I can be filled with gratitude, the next i can be in the deepest of sorrow, one minute I understand everything and the next minute nothing makes sense at all, then the next moment I can be laughing, while the next moment I can want to bitch slap someone! Then be back to joy. Of course a good bitch slapping someone can bring you joy! LOL OMG! Somebody stop me!!!!! LOL

Sometimes I cant stand being in my own skin because of all the emotions going on. Its overwhelming!

AND you all have witnessed most of it! I must be crazy to share all of this publicly. I think I do because to me I’m only sharing all this with a few people. I forget there’s probably a whole bunch more reading this than I realize. But I’m an attention ho anyway so it’s all good.

I’m sure there’s a little white or blue pill I can take for all this but then you would have nothing interesting to read! :-D I do it for the fans! Or actually, don’t do it for the fans. Like I need antidepressants that could give me suicidal tendencies. Yea, like I need help with that anyway! I’ll stick to my herbs thank you very much!

I have come up with a plan for Martin to help me to not be so skitzo, that is the technical term isn’t it? We did one meditation the other night, I’ll talk about it another time. Last night we did a “talk through.” Martin talks me through what is going on with Andrew at the moment. I visualize it as he’s telling me. I’m right there with him. Very cool information comes through too, like Andrew saying “Daddy, you know this is real right? Everything I’m showing you is very real, more real than anything you experience on Earth.” Cool huh? I will have to go into it more on another blog because I’m not in the right frame of mind to describe it to you properly to make you feel like you are right there with us. AND you know how much I like to suck you right in with me! It’s a gift :-D

I will tell you about tonight. American Idol auditions are on now and Andrew and I loved to watch it together to make fun of all the freaks on there that actually think they can sing and pick which one is going to win from the auditions.

I knew he was sitting on the couch in his camo shorts and John Lennon t-shirt. I could see him laughing at the dorks that thought they were the bees knees as a singer. I could see him looking at me, straightening out his shorts. I could see his messy hair that would irritate me that he wouldn’t brush. I called him on it too. I was like “Really? You couldn’t do anything with your hair?? You doing that just to irritate me?” I could see that big grin of his like “Umm yea of course Mommy! You gotta love me!” I talked to him out loud with tears in my eyes. I said ” I know you are there but I can’t look because I don’t want to see the empty space on the couch. If I don’t look it will be real to me.” I reached out for him to grab my hand and do our special hand thing that we do.

Martin comes out and sees that I am crying. What a shock I know. I told him that I know Andrew is on the couch and that it will just take me some time to get use to talking to him this way is all. So we had a good time watching our show together.


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  1. Leila says:


    Extra hugs sent your way.

  2. Karen T. says:

    More hugs from here too!

  3. Denise says:

    ((((((((((HUGS. HUGS.HUGS)))))))))))))))) here too. I could see you both when you text me back.!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Leah Clark says:

    Connie – I know how much it pains you to be normal, but what you’re experiencing is completely normal. It had to happen some time, right? LOL! I love you, dear one, and I am sending you all the light, love, and HUGS I can!!!! xoxoxoxoxo

  5. Susan says:

    Thank you, Connie for sharing with us! Lots of love and hugs to you! And we, too, have been watching American Idol. I had that “Brother” song stuck in my head for a while after it was over last night. That guy’s original song for Simon was great! LOL

    Much love and blessings,
    Susan :)

  6. Joanie Light says:

    Sending you hugs and love.

  7. admin says:

    ((((((HUGS)))))) for everyone!!

    Well that’s just plain mean Leah!! NORMAL???? Are you trying to make me cry?? LOL LOL

    Oh yes, amazing song that Brother song Susan. Oh what about the No Sex song by that “39” yr old perv! EXCELLENT! The stuff me and Muck lived for! :-D

  8. Dana says:

    *AND you know how I like to suck you right in with me! It’s a gift *

    And a great gift it is too! :P:D

    American Idol is so painful to watch at this point in time. My mom thinks it’s hysterical! I cover my ears and run screaming from the room! I guess I wouldn’t make a good judge ;)

    Awww…hang in there Connie! *more hugs*

  9. Swati says:

    Oh I LOVED watching American Idol at this time. It is hysterical!! LMAO!! My fav was the guy who got his chest waxed!! hahahaha!! They’re all amazing. I must say they have guts! LOL!!!

    And Connie…I’m with Leah with this one…it is perfectly normal for you to be going through these extremes of emotions on both sides of the spectrum…and its perfectly alright and normal for you to be crying and feeling all of that. No one expects you to be up and bright and cheerful all the time when your son has said his goodbye to the physical world. No matter what we say and how evolved we wish to get, we wish to see, we wish to hold, we wish to touch, we wish to hug, we wish to hear…and all of that. Because its beautiful to hug, touch, hold, hear and see. I rest my case! :-D

    Sending you hugs…tons of it.

  10. admin says:

    ROFLMAO with the waxing guy! OMG! What a tardo!! I think that was one of Andrew’s favorite ones!

    You present a great case there Swati! Martin is such a huge help! When we lie in bed and we talk about Andrew, it is so wonderful. Andrew is always saying that we have no idea how incredible it is where he is. It’s beyond our human minds to try and understand. He doesn’t miss us because he is with our Higher Selves and he gets to visit us here too!

    I try to stay focused on that. Like Dana & Martin said “change my focus” I really to try to go to our conversations with Andrew when I feel the deep grief creeping in. I remember Andrew saying to Martin “You know this is for real Daddy, right? Where I am is more real than Earth life.”

    While I know I have to stay here for awhile longer, I am really excited about when I do get to leave and be with Andrew again. It really is exciting stuff. He’s doing all kinds of preparations for us over there for when we get to come home! How great is he?? No worries yet about any peppermint tea or garage shopping. Most will know what I mean. Altho I am planning on going sky diving with my niece in the next few months! Then maybe some bungee jumping. I’m just giving the Universe options is all! :-D

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