Well, where do I begin??? There has been so much that has happened and continues to happen with our beloved Andrew!
I was dreading going to the memorial because I was getting use to his new position. Martin & I have been spending so much time w/him and I was accepting where he was now. What an amazing healer ANdrew is!! My heart quit aching Friday and it hasn’t come back. And yesterday I woke up (yes I had a full night’s sleep!) feeling ANdrew by my side & my heart not only didn’t ache but actually felt good! I couldn’t stop thanking him.
On to his service. We got to the Shannon “Ascension” Home. (still can’t say that word) I was so nervous about seeing ANdrew again. I didn’t know if it was going to set me back. We are taken in and when I see him from afar he looks like a damned manican!! I mean he looked better in the PICU!! Even w/blood coming from his nose and mouth! I felt absolutely NOTHING! Martin said ANdrew wanted it that way so we wouldn’t be attached to his physical side anymore. Mission Accomplished Muck! I felt nothing, nada, zippo! COuldn’t squeeze a tear for nothing! I thought “WHat the hell am I gonna do for 3 freakin hours now!?” “Sit with this manican that looks like it should be in a bike window sitting on a BMX bike???” It was a blessing! It really was. It’s what Andrew wanted. He didn’t want to look like himself because then everyone would still be to connected to the physical form and he is so much more than that now! (he just gave me that BTW) The SHannon Home was so kind to us in helping us out. I love our wrist bands they had made with Mucks’s name and his sayin “It’s All Good” I think it was very thoughtful.
Shopping for the urn was….well….fun! Really! It was like the 3 of us were out shopping! Crazy I know! But I felt Andrew w/us and he was telling Martin what to get. ANdrew asked for something w/wolves. The director turned to a page, we saw it and said “Yup! That one will do.”Â ANdrew was helping us out and trying to make it as easy on us as he could. He’s a good boy!
BUT we had pics of Andrew all around. My niece did a beautiful collage of him from birth to now. I told people to look at those instead. We had a cd of Andrew’s fav music playing. That was beautiful it made everything so peaceful. Martin and I were sharing a tender, intimate moment when Black Bird came on and the words were just so poignant. And as we shared this tender moment the bagpiper started outside!! You know what DOESN’T go w/Black Bird???? BAGPIPES! She wanted to do something for Andrew & we appreciated it. It was just to close to the room we were in at times. But in the distance? It was very moving.
Andrew’s friends from his WOW (interactive video game) guild were there. That was nice to see. Andrew’s best friend’s little brother who’s 4 was there and he was crying for ANdrew. He said he didn’t want him to be gone that he missed him. Now that brought tears to my eyes.
For a child who was home schooled and only had 4 close friends, he packed the place! We had over 100 people there and some didn’t even show up! 2 of his nurses and one vitals tech showed up. That made me feel good. It was good to see them again. Dawn, the one who gave him the Survivor metal, said, “I came here to give you guys support and you end up giving me more in return! How do you do that!” “It’s a gift” I said
Paul Duffy started things out w/Danny Boy on the sax. That was beautiful. Then I played the song Leah did for Andrew “Let Well Being FLow”
We read the eulogy Andrew wrote. People laughed, they cried. Then I read the song Andrew gave to Anna, my friend in England. Then Martin read The Young Warrior, the poem from Steven Farmer. AND said the Indian quote quite well. Martin then sang Some Days Are Diamonds by who?? John Denver of course! That song was in my head when Martin and I were talking about our feelings with all of this, the ups and downs. I explained why we were sharing this song. And how some days are diamonds, some days I’m stoned! Which couldn’t be further from the truth!!! I don’t do that! So it just proves I always go for the joke! Anything to break the grief!
Set up story first for the next song. On the way home from the Tampa airport w/Irish family, I had my cd player on. A Johnny Reznick song came on “I’m Still here.” I mentioned how Andrew and I loved that song. I look at Christine and I see the look on her face and I know that she remembers how much he liked it. It was one of “those” songs. Funny thing is I could never figure out what the words meant. Well, I got them that night while driving down I-75!! I just started to ball my eyes out! YUP! While driving! Thank goodness our highways are straight!! It describes what his life was like here with a world who couldn’t see who he was. A world who wanted him to conform. A world who wanted him to change while it stays the same. “They can’t break me as long as I now who I am.” I’ll find the words & post them.
Then while at Long Horns on Friday we were discussing it and Andrew told me why he wanted it at his service. He wanted wanted Martin and I to dance to it so the world could see what real, true, love looks like. He wanted to share our love with the world in hopes of having a ripple effect. Well, what do you think happened then?? YUP! I balled my eyes out. As I put my head down and eyes closed it got so completely black, black like I’ve never seen. I felt like I was some where else. It was odd. Dunno what it was or meant.
SO Martin and I did, we took a very intimate, tender, loving moment with our son and danced in front of over 100 people. We danced, we kissed, we sang. All I could feel was the 3 of us. No one else existed in that moment in time. It was beautiful.
We don’t question Andrew, we just take our orders!
Martin’s friend and “bromance” Jeremy, who thought of Andrew as his little bro read and amazing poem he wrote for ANdrew. If you were paying attention, you could see the energy of it. It took you on a journey. It touched my heart deeply. It will be on the website soon in written and audio form.
The mother of one of Andrew’s friends read something that was great. I loved hearing the stories of their fav times w/ANdrew. Then one of Andrew’s friends spoke but he was at a lost of words.
We ended the service playing Monty Python’s “Walk on the Bright Side of Life!” as everyone sang along w/us. I hope it turns out and you don’t just hear me singing off key!!! That would suck! As it played we held up our lighters and I ran and got my cell phone to hold up.
A lot of people went to the Irish Rover after. I was tired and just had a bottle of water, talked to some people, and was ready to go. Andrew said the “show” was great! He was proud of us! We did good!
It was cool to have my friends from Ft. Lauderdale come who knew ANdrew when he was little to swap stories with my friend Lori, Andrew’s best friends mother and my hairdresser, who knows him now. I think they both were jealous of each other knowing him at different times of his life. We were lucky to know him the whole time!!!
I have many stories I will tell once I organize them. But I do want to share one with you now.
While lying in bed last night, I had a “moment” of OMG! He’s not here!! WHen Martin said “Lay on your back, he’s taking off his head band with the emerald heart in it, he’s placing it on you heart. Martin put his hand on my heart and I could feel it!! OMG It was so powerful! It was amazing. I could also feel Andrew’s hand as well as Martin’s!! I mean WOW! It was so incredible!! How lucky am I???? Honestly! While I may have tiny moments of panic that he’s not here physically w/me, I have him in such a powerful way!!!
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS JOURNEY WITH US!! AND BUYING US A DRINK!!
IT’S ALL GOOD! Magickal Blessings!