You’d think now that I’m home that I’d be able to sleep. I have been. But I guess the routine of getting the blog done first thing in the a.m. is a hard habit to break. DOn’t want to disappoint the fans. :-)
I sit here now with Andrew’s myspace playing his fav John Denver songs. You Fill Up My Senses is playing now. There’s a part of me that just wants to collapse and sob as I remember all the tender moments we shared & how I won’t have them physically anymore. Then the other part of me, the part me that knows & feels him here with me that gives me some peace. But God I miss him so much! Sometimes I feel like I’m in some bad, twisted, sick movie. Then other times it’s a beautiful amazing love story movie.
“Follow Me” is on now. We had sung that in the PICU when he was intubated. Then when he was awake he actually sang it along with us. It was a very sacred & tender moment w/him.Martin and I don’t stay too far apart these days. We can’t. He helps me get thru my wee moments of panic when I have a realization moment. We go into our room a couple times a day to get our “Mucklets” and it really does help. We lay on the bed, hold hands, then Martin talks me thru the breathing in the energy from Andrew’s Pure Heart & releasing grief and the pain. Then he puts his hand on my heart and I can feel my heart getting “topped up” It’s working since my heart hasn’t ached since Friday still.
There are times I forget and almost say something like, “Let’s get Muck something to go” or was going to tell Jourdan, his girlfriend, that she can come out and visit Andrew anytime. It’s just all so crazy.
BUT! We made it thru the first week w/o our Muck here physically. It certainly wasn’t easy. But here is an example of how I am able to do it.
Yesterday I was taking a nap, a 3 hour one in fact. All of a sudden I start vibrating! Not trembling, believe me, I know what that one feels like all to well. My whole body was vibrating! It was wild! It felt like I was being worked on in a higher vibration. I had 2 sessions of it. I know it was ANdrew and there was other things going on too. Information being given to me. Information I know, I know, but can’t explain. It’s not for me to give just yet so I wasn’t given the words for it at this time. It was just placed in my heart. Almost like a preparation for something.
No worries, I wouldn’t be fortunate enough to be able to leave here now. Alls I know it was ANdrew doing work on me. And I got that confirmation when Martin asked me did I know ANdrew was doing work on me. I said “Hell yes he was!! I had a hard time walking because of the “high” I got from vibrating.” I was disoriented too! It was cool. I had me some buzzy goodness!! :-)
Martin was trying to connect w/ANdrew when this was going on and he said “In a minute, I’m working on Mommy.” He still calls us Mommy and Daddy. He said he likes doing that because he knows it helps us. So when he works on me he puts on his “DO Not DIsturb” sign. :-)
I still have to tell you about the meditation we did before Karen Anderson and Jourdan left. But that will be for another time. I just wanted to give you something to read so you’d keep coming back. I know I make mistakes when writing this and I apologize. I hope I am able to get my point across regardless. It will get better as time goes on. Everyone will be gone on Thursday so I will be living on this blog to keep me busy!! I will need something to do to keep my sanity! SO you are not only reading a mother’s blog but you are helping to keep one “pretty mama’s” sanity! Thank you for that!
I LOVE YOU MUCK!!