Andrew’s 22nd birthday on Mother’s Day set off another dance card round with grief. Nothing extraordinary happened for his birthday like last year with the spirit portrait. Then add other things not falling into place and feeling like I’ve been spinning my wheels getting nowhere, grief took the opportunity to fill my dance card and fill it good! I thought grief was going to win this time. Me and grief spent a few weeks doing the dance.
Grief took me to a dark, lonely place that I thought was going to swallow me up. When you lose a child, grief is always nipping at your heels anyway, sliding reminders in there of your loss, but this was bigger. I have had the living shit beat out of me the last 6yrs! Extreme health trauma’s where I nearly lost my daughter, I did lose my son, and thought I was losing my husband recently.
It was really nice when I recently heard that my “mother” has been telling people that not only are Martin and I are the reason Andrew was diagnosed with leukemia, but also the reason he passed! Nice huh? But that didn’t even bother me OR even surprise me! That is typical of her hateful, mean spirited behavior. It’s been the, “what do I do now?” that bothered me more, and left me feeling hopeless.
All the work I’ve put into booking our events was at a dead end yet again. It felt like everything we went through with Andrew wasn’t for a higher purpose. He was just a kid with leukemia that died. I had a very hard time trying to accept that one! I just don’t have the energy for this anymore!
So, grief took that opportunity to magnify my losses! But! There is something to be said about just letting go and just facing grief head on and doing the dance with it. You get to dig deep and find all those dark feelings you have buried deep because you just couldn’t deal with them at the time, and really look at them inside out. Oh yes, I was dirty dancing with grief, but not in the fun Patrick Swayze way! It was a get down and dirty mud wrestling match, which might sound fun to some, but with grief? Not so much!
I begged Andrew for help! He didn’t do anything…at first. Well, it didn’t feel like he did anything anyway. He was still sending me 22s, my master number in numerology, and other 2 combinations, but I told him he could shove them up his etheric ass, that it didn’t mean anything to me anymore! It felt more like he was taunting me now! That was the grief talking.
I asked Andrew what more did he want me to do in order for me to stand in my effin power! I’ve done everything I know how to do! Why wasn’t it good enough! Oh yes, grief took that opportunity to take an even deeper hold on me and we danced even harder together! As draining as it was dancing with grief toe to toe, pimp slapping one another every step of the way, I was able to release a lot. It ain’t purdy dancin with grief! It’s not fun either. It is gut wrenching. But if you have any hope of moving forward, it is a dance that must be done.
What started to get me out of this dance with grief was an email. I get A LOT of emails promoting all kinds of programs that promise a mirade of things to make your life better, your business better. I don’t even read them anymore. I quit reading them when Andrew passed. Not sure why I didn’t UN-subscribe to them. Anyway, for some reason I clicked on an email from someone I’ve been getting emails from for about 8 years. Haven’t clicked on any of her emails since Andrew passed either. I knew her from a class we staffed back in 2003. But for whatever reason I was nudged to click on her latest email. Don’t know what possessed me other than perhaps Andrew guided me too. This has to be the best and probably the scariest click of my life!
It was an email about marketing your business, taking it to the next level, which I get a ton of those kind of emails, but the energy was different about this one. That’s how I know it was Andrew.
I listened to the 1st audit of the open house for the 6 Figure University tour. I was still feeling the heaviness of grief and depression, but for whatever reason, I filled out the assessment and sent it after the first audit. When asked on the assessment, “why do you think 6 Figure University is for you?” My answer was, “I honestly don’t know if it is.” I had no idea why I was even bothering to listen to any of this.
After listening to the first of 4 audits of the university’s open house tour though, I was starting to feel a bit lighter. I was starting to see through the fog of grief, a possible opportunity to get where I have been so desperately working towards, but had no luck so far.
The tour started on Thursday, by Friday after the 3rd audit, I was getting excited! I knew with every fiber of my being that this was something I needed to do beyond a shadow of doubt! But the price was so far out of our realm of what we could afford! Yet I knew we couldn’t afford to pass up an opportunity to finally learn how to market ourselves. Martin agreed.
Once I knew that we were going to jump in and do this, even with the huge investment we didn’t know how we were going to pay for, I felt excited about my life again. Somehow I knew we would be supported with this. I had hope that I actually could do what I loved, and make a good living doing it. Say what you want about money, but you ain’t helping nobody by being a broke ass!
I started to see the magic right away once I made the decision to invest in ourselves. I tore up my dance card with grief and replaced it with hope.
Martin and I had to go to the gas station before an event on Friday, our 2nd event of the year and last one for now. I knew I had $8 in my wallet because I had 2 fives in my wallet the other day at the Dollar Tree, I used one of them then. I go to give Martin my last $5 bill and I find a $20 bill instead! YAY! I thought I found $20 in my wallet that I forgot about.
When I went to look for the other five, it wasn’t there! Only the $3! It was then that I felt that familiar energy that is my boy, letting me know that the Universe was responding to me investing in myself in a HUGE way. The message I got from Andrew was, “you can’t play small and expect big things PrettyMama!” Well ok then, but the Universe better respond with more than 20 bucks soon! Because 20 bucks won’t make a dent in the $10,000 I just invested in ourselves! YUP! You read that right! $10,000 is what I am investing is us. AND we have the IRS breathing down our necks for more than $10,000 as well, that we have to pay off now too! YET, I feel supported even though I don’t know how we are going to pay for all of this! That’s how serious I am about change! Go big or go home, right?!
What I have learned from all of this is that the Universe only responds when you are serious about your life. When you try to take the safe route, the Universe doesn’t take you serious at all. The Universe (AND my Avatar son) will stand by and let you have your pity party for as long as you like, no judgement. They stand by blessing your wooden head, loving you the whole time, waiting for you to get it. Waiting for you to see how much you are truly worth!
So, until you are ready to truly get in the game, and show how serious you are about change, about your life, things WILL stay the same! I have stood up and showed the Universe that I am serious! I AM in the game. The ball is in their court now! So, Let….The…Games…BEGIN! Your move Universe, and Avatar Boy! How do you like me now?! =D
IT,S ALL GOOD!