What can I say? I have come to realize that I will be going through these waves of emotions for quite awhile. When they hit, it’s like a tidal wave! No running from it, no hiding from it, no pretending it isn’t there. It hits you hard and all I can do is go with it and ride it out & get it out.
I can’t avoid them especially since Martin and I have not had the luxury of any down time. We have had to deal with one thing after another after another after yet another for over a year now. Elatia nearly crossing in 12/06 after emergency surgery to remove an ovarian tumor. Then dealing with dr’s saying she had an aggressive form of ovarian cancer and needed more surgery to remove more female organs, then chemo and radiation!!!! Yea, we were like “No you crazy Dutch bastard!” (Austin Powers ref)
That’s what the beginning of 2007 was like!! We all know how it ended. We no sooner get Elatia straightened out with her clear sonogram in July, then Andrew gets diagnosed! Then he ascends and now Elatia has a cyst on the other ovary! R U KIDDIN ME WITH THIS??
We get home after 4 months of being in hospital then have all this financial crap to deal with UPON grieving the loss of our son. It’s just too overwhelming! I am so grateful for all the support we received while Andrew was in hospital, it allowed us to stay focused on him. What a HUGE blessing!
But it’s been very hard since we’ve been home. Is it any wonder I have my melt downs??? I feel like the Universe won’t be happy till I can’t get back on my feet again! I know that’s not the case, but it feels like it sometimes. Then I wonder if I was Joseph Stalin, Hitler, or Gunga Din in a past life!!
Is it any wonder I’m ready to throw in the towel! I mean, this is just insane the crap that has gone on! It’s not like Martin and I are sitting in our crap, we are aware and present in our lives. For chrissakes we raised an Avatar! We’re not idiots! We obviously have it going on to raise an Avatar. It’s time for things to change….FOR THE BETTER.
Part of my melt down is the ego thinking that this is my life from now on. Sitting around the house having nothing to do but miss Andrew & wait till I can finally cross over. Like I said, I don’t have the energy to pound the pavement and beg for shows anymore. It feels like I’m just going to be the neighborhood’s crazy old lady with her wiener dog, sitting there petting him like Dr. Evil. Wouldn’t that make you cry too??
Having so many hopes & dreams crushed already in the past, this one did me in. I kept thinking things would get better and they kept getting worse for over a year now. It’s a little hard to believe anything good can happen to me now. Like I said, I feel like the living shit has been beat out of me! Instead of hiding it and pretending I don’t feel this way I just purge it.
Just to let you know, that after this melt down Wed. night, Martin was still able to make me laugh! I won’t say how because it just won’t seem as funny if I try and write it. It had something to do with me being the Wise One I am & carrying around on the Other Side, dead sea….squirrels. See? You’d have to be there. It was late, I was tired and all cried out, so anything was funny.
SO to help lessen these episodes, we decided Martin will tell me a bed time story, of me & Andrew on the Other Side. What Andrew and my Higher Self are doing together now so I can connect with that. That way when I start to really miss Muck, I can go to that place where I am with him. Because let’s face it, that is the real deal in the big scheme of things! While this feels all too freakin real, this life is temporary and the Other Side is forever! And I gots me a castle to look forward to! :-D
I think after this life Martin may be inducted into saint hood! He is my hero & my rock! But in my defense, I didn’t get him out the cereal box this way either. I put in a lot of work too! Deprogramming the Irish up bringing was NOT easy! When people ask “Does he have a brother?” I reply “You think I found him like this?? It’s me you want to date!” LMAO! And no, there’s no brother. Only 5 Irish sisters with PMS.
Since you have put up with me these past 2 posts, I’ll see if I can get an Andrew letter in here for the next one. But no promises, Martin is pretty busy. But I will do what I can, you guys earned it! ;-)
I want to thank you for understanding & validating my feelings and NOT quoting me some metaphysical line that I am already all to aware of. I appreciate you coming from the heart and understanding a grieving mother. Andrew appreciates it too. I know he will bless you for watching out for & supporting his Pretty Mama!
IT’S ALL GOOD!