What can I say? I have come to realize that I will be going through these waves of emotions for quite awhile. When they hit, it’s like a tidal wave! No running from it, no hiding from it, no pretending it isn’t there. It hits you hard and all I can do is go with it and ride it out & get it out.

I can’t avoid them especially since Martin and I have not had the luxury of any down time. We have had to deal with one thing after another after another after yet another for over a year now. Elatia nearly crossing in 12/06 after emergency surgery to remove an ovarian tumor. Then dealing with dr’s saying she had an aggressive form of ovarian cancer and needed more surgery to remove more female organs, then chemo and radiation!!!! Yea, we were like “No you crazy Dutch bastard!” (Austin Powers ref)

That’s what the beginning of 2007 was like!! We all know how it ended. We no sooner get Elatia straightened out with her clear sonogram in July, then Andrew gets diagnosed! Then he ascends and now Elatia has a cyst on the other ovary! R U KIDDIN ME WITH THIS??

We get home after 4 months of being in hospital then have all this financial crap to deal with UPON grieving the loss of our son. It’s just too overwhelming! I am so grateful for all the support we received while Andrew was in hospital, it allowed us to stay focused on him. What a HUGE blessing!

But it’s been very hard since we’ve been home. Is it any wonder I have my melt downs??? I feel like the Universe won’t be happy till I can’t get back on my feet again! I know that’s not the case, but it feels like it sometimes. Then I wonder if I was Joseph Stalin, Hitler, or Gunga Din in a past life!!

Is it any wonder I’m ready to throw in the towel! I mean, this is just insane the crap that has gone on! It’s not like Martin and I are sitting in our crap, we are aware and present in our lives. For chrissakes we raised an Avatar! We’re not idiots! We obviously have it going on to raise an Avatar. It’s time for things to change….FOR THE BETTER.

Part of my melt down is the ego thinking that this is my life from now on. Sitting around the house having nothing to do but miss Andrew & wait till I can finally cross over. Like I said, I don’t have the energy to pound the pavement and beg for shows anymore. It feels like I’m just going to be the neighborhood’s crazy old lady with her wiener dog, sitting there petting him like Dr. Evil. Wouldn’t that make you cry too??

Having so many hopes & dreams crushed already in the past, this one did me in. I kept thinking things would get better and they kept getting worse for over a year now. It’s a little hard to believe anything good can happen to me now. Like I said, I feel like the living shit has been beat out of me! Instead of hiding it and pretending I don’t feel this way I just purge it.

Just to let you know, that after this melt down Wed. night, Martin was still able to make me laugh! I won’t say how because it just won’t seem as funny if I try and write it. It had something to do with me being the Wise One I am & carrying around on the Other Side, dead sea….squirrels. See? You’d have to be there. It was late, I was tired and all cried out, so anything was funny.

SO to help lessen these episodes, we decided Martin will tell me a bed time story, of me & Andrew on the Other Side. What Andrew and my Higher Self are doing together now so I can connect with that. That way when I start to really miss Muck, I can go to that place where I am with him. Because let’s face it, that is the real deal in the big scheme of things! While this feels all too freakin real, this life is temporary and the Other Side is forever! And I gots me a castle to look forward to! :-D

I think after this life Martin may be inducted into saint hood! He is my hero & my rock! But in my defense, I didn’t get him out the cereal box this way either. I put in a lot of work too! Deprogramming the Irish up bringing was NOT easy! When people ask “Does he have a brother?” I reply “You think I found him like this?? It’s me you want to date!” LMAO! And no, there’s no brother. Only 5 Irish sisters with PMS.

Since you have put up with me these past 2 posts, I’ll see if I can get an Andrew letter in here for the next one. But no promises, Martin is pretty busy. But I will do what I can, you guys earned it! ;-)

I want to thank you for understanding & validating my feelings and NOT quoting me some metaphysical line that I am already all to aware of. I appreciate you coming from the heart and understanding a grieving mother. Andrew appreciates it too. I know he will bless you for watching out for & supporting his Pretty Mama!


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11 Responses to THE WAVES

  1. Dana says:

    I want to thank you for understanding & validating my feelings and NOT quoting me some metaphysical line that I am already all to aware of.

    Well hon, some of us have experienced abuse too – not to the extent that you have – but abuse nonetheless. So we know where you are coming from!

    And you ARE a strong woman and have the support of your husband, daughter, dog ;) and FRIENDS!

    So no worries!

    Geez! I COULD quote some dippy song lyrics about ‘catching you when you fall’ or some crazy shite like that :-p But I’m far more interested in the Dead Sea and squirrels story!

  2. admin says:

    That song you are referring to is a song my deceased father (the one I never met) sent me when I was going to my ATP (r) class, it’s called “Crash & Burn” by Savage Garden.

    Martin was describing my Higher Self walking with Andrew and Martin said I always have scrolls in the pockets of my robe. I said “hmmmm maybe the dead sea scrolls.” Martin thought I said dead sea squirrels and off we went on a whole bit about that, squirrels with writing on them, ect. It was funnier Wed night. Altho it still makes us laugh.

  3. Denise says:

    Dead Sea Squirrels !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO :D

  4. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for; just the fact that you know you have to feel the loss and ride it out, instead of it taking complete control is phenominal!!! Weaker people would crumble & not get back on their feet….
    Your strength & your heartache inspires a multitude of people…can we hear more of the dead sea squirrels???
    BTW…I want to add smiley faces toooooooooo
    I looooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuuuu….thanks for staying & playing

  5. admin says:

    Thanks ((((((Tammy)))) It’s always been my philosophy to feel the pain in order to move through it & heal it. Dulling it with meds or alcohol or food or denial or whatever, will only compound it all and I’d have to deal with even more crap later. This sucks w/o a doubt. But I have to practice what I teach. I have to honor my human, mother side & also let my ego have it’s say too. Then I can move forward and get done what I came here to do in a healthy manner.

    I was hoping I could be all light workerie and be this incredibly enlightened person going through this and rise above the grief. I mean after all, I know where Andrew is, I know I will see him again, I know he is still with us. Ha Ha Ha Ha joke on me huh?? It even makes laugh as I type this! As long as I’m in a human mother’s body, the tidal waves will come. There isn’t a surfer alive that can ride a tidal wave unaffected. I don’t care how good you are!

    I looooove you too Tammikins! Hope to come out and see you soon! I haven’t gone a year not coming to So-Cal in years!. We’re usually out there several times a year. The end of April it will be a year. Baaaaa Waaaaaaaa!

  6. Swati says:

    [quote]I have come to realize that I will be going through these waves of emotions for quite awhile.[/quote]

    Absolutely Connie. There will be these pressure-cooker-bursting-moments. And like you must have already seen…they do relieve pressure ;-). So go ahead and burst whenever you want to…we’ll be there. We won’t go anywhere.

    [quote] I want to thank you for understanding & validating my feelings and NOT quoting me some metaphysical line that I am already all to aware of.

    LOL!!! In one of the mediumship classes when you were not around, Martin and I had a great time talking about the metaphysical cliches that really tick you off! :-D We even discussed if we should have a private radio show just for us where we will throw these irritating liners at you and then run away before you kill us all.

    Seriously though, no one needs to hear these cliches when one is erupting. Because when its time to erupt…its just time to erupt :-D. LOL!!

    Talking of Andrew moments, I’ve been having a very good time with him since yesterday. Someone comissioned a pendant for his gf, and I was fretting a lot over it…how to make it etc, because the specifications were many. Then the client also added that he wanted celtic symbols in the pendant….but he also wanted it totally simple and non-ornate. I was fretting over what to do, when I called Andrew and said…you’re the one into Celtic symbols (I really had no clue about them), so show me. He was actually laughing at me by then because I was fretting and fuming so much. LOLOL!!! Anyway, he showed a simple one to add there, and the client loved that symbol.

    Something else happened too…I’ll email you about it. LOL!!

  7. admin says:

    Oh goodie! I love my Muck stories! It helps me to stay focused on who he is now and makes it more real.

    I don’t mind metaphysical thoughts…if they are your own and not an A-lister teacher out there. It’s like Bible thumpers quoting Bible verses with no heart behind it, just being a robot quoting something they don’t fully understand. Everyone’s answer here was beautiful and touched my heart!

    I’m so glad Muck was there to help you. He’s a good child!

  8. Dana says:

    That song you are referring to is a song my deceased father (the one I never met) sent me when I was going to my ATP (r) class, it’s called “Crash & Burn” by Savage Garden.

    Cool! I didn’t know why that lyric popped into my head (although you’d think I would be used to this by now, right?) The elemental side of me was certainly more intrigued by the humor aspect of squirrels!

  9. admin says:

    Ahh geeez the squirrel story isn’t that interesting unless you were there & drop your IQ a few notches. It’s just one of those tardo things Martin and I do

  10. Leah Clark says:

    Connie – the only metaphysical line I can quote is the one I’ve been saying since the beginning – although you’re a goddess to us, you don’t have to be The Goddess with us. You’re a human mom who’s lost her human son! We love you at every part of your process, and we are here for you. BTW – Carole at The Soul Mirror is working on what venue would be best to have you out for – I’ll keep you posted. She wanted me to be sure to tell you she hasn’t forgotten you and will be in touch soon. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. admin says:

    Oh WOW! Very cool Leah!! I can’t believe she is looking for a venue for us! Now that’s what I’m talking about! :-D

    Thanks Leah for your kind words! It really is a comfort coming here and reading all the encouraging words of love. I can’t tell you how much it means to me! I am so grateful! I just can’t explain how much I appreciate it!

    Thank you all soooooo much!

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