It’s been 3 1/2 years since Andrew left and I there are times I still can’t stand the skin I’m in. It still gets so intense that I just want out of my skin! That is when I have to shut down. I try to open up, but it just gets too overwhelming, too intense, that I can feel a panic attack wanting to come on, so I shut down. Today is Mother’s Day, and to not have one of your children with you physically, SUCKS! Andrew was born on Mother’s Day 20 years ago, only back then it was May 12th. So today brings up all kinds of feelings.
Martin and I did go over to Elatia’s and J.R. made brunch for all of us, and we had some face time with Kaliana. We just love that girl. Unfortunately, having a grandchild doesn’t magically make the grief go away. It does help take some of the sharp edges off of it, but doesn’t make it all magically go away.
When I realize that I will spend the rest of my life missing my son, craving his hugs and kisses. Craving to hear his voice say, “Who’s the Prettiest Mama?” or “Who loves ya?” Realizing those cravings will never go away this lifetime, that alone gets overwhelming. It makes it hard to stand the skin I’m in sometimes. All I can do is cry and release it… until the next time I try to heal another layer of grief.
IT’S ALL GOOD