I have mentioned before that NO ONE is immuned from grief, even when you are a medium. When you lose a child, no matter who you are, you will spend the rest of your life dealing with your deep loss. Yes, it does get easier as time goes on, but the yearning to hug them and kiss them will NEVER go away!
You never know what will “set you off.” For me yesterday, it was a commercial for K-mart and seeing a tent they had on sale. It brought back the memories of when Wes & Andrew set a tent up in our front yard, how white trash of them! Also when they set it up at Wes’s Grandma’s and I went over around 1:00am to spy… I mean surprise them with fresh baked cookies. They had a lamp, a fan, and a tv in their tent. Roughing it as it’s best. When it was in our yard they had the computer too! When I saw the commercial, I realized not only how much I miss having boys around doing that kind of stuff, but how I’ll never have it again. It was a hard thing to realize. A major part of my life, the biggest chunk, being a mom, is over. It’s a hard thing to accept because it happened so suddenly. Martin was hit with a moment of grief when we went to the Chinese Buffet yesterday. The last time we went, Muck was with us.
During Martin’s grieving dad moments yesterday, he said he felt like he was in a fog, the grief took on the form of a fog. Martin said when he was in the “dad grieving fog,” Andrew would reach his hand through the fog to offer his assistance. Andrew does not like to see Martin and I miss him. When Martin would see Andrew’s hand, Martin would tell him, “Go away! Leave me alone!” Martin was choosing to feel the grief head on. Andrew would keep sticking his hand in and Martin would slap it away. Andrew would stick it in again, and say “How about now?” Martin: “NO! Go away!” This would go on for a bit, Andrew’s hand in, Martin telling him, “NO! not yet.” Andrew then went and sat down with his Guild guitar and said “I’ll just wait for you here. It’s all good Daddy” and Andrew started to play his guitar. Martin wandered over to him because 1. hearing “It’s All Good” ALWAYS shifts Martin’s energy, and 2. Andrew plays the guitar so well and was also singing, it drew Martin over. Kind of like in those cartoons when the aroma of a baked pie or something would bring the character floating over to the window. Yep! that was Martin, easily distracted from his grief.
Andrew then says “I knew that would get you! You are so easy Daddy!” Doh! Martin informed Andrew that by going through the emotions of a grieving dad, he learns it’s ok to grieve and take time to honor that part of himself. Martin was also able to see how strong he was and also really appreciate the relationship he has with Andrew now. Martin likes to see an issue from all sides till the end. I know there was even more Martin had learned from yesterday’s experience, but neither one of us can remember what it was! grrrrrrr! If one of us remembers, I’ll be back to post it.
IT’S ALL GOOD!