WARNING! I am very honest in this blog. I didn’t describe everything, but I do explain most of it. Not for the faint at heart.
I know our whole experience with Andrew was an incredible one. But the more I think about it the more I realize what an incredible honor all this has been. Not only did we have the honor of being entrusted with raising an Avatar but also being an intricate part of his journey home, his ascension. What a powerful experience. It’s as sacred as helping a soul make their journey here, giving birth.
We know how amazing Andrew is but there were times when Martin and I would just look at each other in awe because we knew we were in the presence of greatness!
Like the night in PICU the first time when he first got off the ventilator. That night Martin and I both bathed him as he taught us. The information coming from this “16 yr. old boy” as we bathed him was astounding! There are no words to adequately describe what that was like. It was sacred and holy, we were humbled by him. What an incredible feeling it was!
Then as the weeks turned into months, he never wavered from his positive attitude or his beliefs or his teaching. It only brought out more of his courage and grace. Here this 16 yr. old boy had to allow his parents to bathe him, clean him after the bed pan, measure all his fluids, change him, wait on him hand and foot, & he surrendered to the process with such dignity and ease. It was inspiring!
Even when he was going to be intubated again, he was nervous but Martin explained it to him why it had to be done, to ease his fears. He looked at Martin, asked for some soda which he wasn’t allowed. Martin gave it to him anyway. Andrew looked Martin in the eye and said “OK, let’s do this Daddy.” Those were his last words that he ever spoke.
Andrew was always willing to do whatever it took because he figured it was one step closer to recovery. As much as he didn’t want to be intubated again, he was willing to go through it if it meant he could get better.
Then a little while later Martin was pushed out of the room energetically like I mentioned before, Andrew’s room filled with a brilliant White Light and a beautiful, powerful Being appeared. That’s when Martin knew for sure Andrew would be going “Home.” All the medical attention, love, wishing & energy work in the world wasn’t going to keep him here. Not even as much as Andrew wanted to stay, it wasn’t going to happen.
The actual time of having to call his time of death was traumatic. Seeing them doing compressions on him and the look on EVERYONE’S face in the PICU, down to the cleaning people’s faces was traumatic. Seeing my son in nothing but a diaper as they worked on him was traumatic. Seeing the blood splattered on the equipment & in his breathing tube was traumatic. Going in and having to tell them to stop compressions, then watching as all the lines went flat & hearing that horrible sound that we’ve all heard on ER or Grey’s Anatomy was traumatic. Seeing my baby boy laying there, holding his hand to my cheek as my tears flowed down my face, knowing he would never talk to me again, was traumatic. Yet I couldn’t scream or faint or throw anything, or do a god damn thing! All of that was traumatic.
We waited in the hall as they cleaned him up, DRESSED him & got all the equipment out of the room. Then when we went back in, it was peaceful. We bathed him for the last time, that was peaceful & sacred. When Martin started telling me what Andrew was saying, that was peaceful. When Andrew told him what song to play on his phone and asked us to dance, that was peaceful. Dancing with my husband next to our ascended son while Martin wiped my tears & told me what Andrew was saying, that was sacred. Andrew putting a smile on his face to show me he was still around, was peaceful. Our time alone with our son before family arrived was sacred & intimate. It was a Holy time. It was very special. I’m so glad we had that time with him. To help a soul transition is an honor and very sacred thing to be able to do, no matter how hard it is, no matter who it is, even when its your 16 yr. old son it is still an incredible honor.
There are no words to describe what it is like to share a journey like this with the person you have loved since you were 13. To share it with him and your child. This whole experience has brought us so close on a very deep level. A level I did not even know existed.
At the time it was so incredibly hard and devastating. It still is. Only now I can see how lucky we are to have been allowed to go on this journey with Andrew. Not everyone could handle a journey like this one & be able to continue the work that is to be done now. DO I know exactly what that entails? Ummm no. I just know I’m up for it!
I didn’t just lose my son, I helped an Avatar make his journey home and fulfill his life purpose here. THAT’S HUGE! AND….
IT’S ALL GOOD!