In this chapter I am very honest on what it is like to lose a child. While it is heart breaking and may be hard to read, it is my hope that you will see the inspiration and love that can also go along with this kind of journey.
The day my son ascended was the worst and hardest day of my life! While it was both of those things and more, it was also one of the most incredibly intimate and sacred times for Souls to share with each other.
The night before
Denise came up to visit and brought some t-shirts for Andrew we had come up with. We went to the cafeteria but first I had to make sure Andrew was medicated well enough in case the nurse wasn’t there to help him with anything. I clicked his delodid clicker every 15 minutes for an hour. I figured that bought me enough time to go down and get something to eat & come back. I was wrong. When Denise and I came back he was struggling with the urinal, the medication made him too groggy to handle it on his own. I got him sorted and he was back to resting.
The janitor came in to clean his room and even though Andrew had that big ole oxygen mask on and was on delodid, he thanked the janitor for the last time for cleaning his room. The janitor asked me what he said and I told him “He is thanking you for cleaning his room.” The janitor smiled and looked touched by that, that even though Andrew was feeling poorly, had a huge oxygen mask, he still made sure he thanked the janitor, he appreciated it, they both did.
Andrew was doing pretty well on the respirator, hitting the mid to high 90â€™s but they had to up his oxygen because it wasnâ€™t going above 90 that morning. We needed his lungs to respond and heal!! If not they were going to have to intubate him again and we certainly did not want that! We needed his counts to come up so the body can do what it needs to do to heal!
The medicine they tried to give him to boost his immune system gave him the side effects instead, heart rate of just over 200 and high fever. He still had been bringing up blood but not as often. Only once really that last night.
Things were serious now. We needed a miracle! He was doing so well! He was feeling fabulous before this infection! He was happy and enjoying himself and excited about his $16,000 MAC computer that he was going to be getting soon.
I dug down deep and found some more big girl panties to put on that night. Martin had to go and get some sleep. I called him down when Andrew was struggling & I went up to our room on the 2nd floor for an hour or so. When I came back, I decided to have a chat with his body. Even with the oxygen mask his numbers werenâ€™t as high as needed. SO I asked his lungs to take in the oxygen that Andrew was so eloquently providing and help him out by taking it all in & keep his numbers up. I would rub his back and thank them for all that they do and the strength that they have shown through all this. The number would continue to climb and then hold steady even with Andrew on his side resting. I continued to compliment and encourage his lungs and tell Andrew what an amazing job he and his lungs were doing.
Then I moved on to the other organs & thank them for their strength and support they have given Andrew through all this. I felt the love leave me and go to them. I realized then that a motherâ€™s love is the most powerful medicine and I claimed that power! I felt that power! I KNOW that power! No dis-ease or drug is stronger than a Motherâ€™s Love! I then asked the Motherly Beings to join me, Quan Yin and Mother Mary along with AA Raphael around Andrew to create an powerful circle of Motherâ€™s Healing Love Power! A Motherâ€™s Love Heals! So it is! I came to realize the only thing stronger than a mother’s love is a Soul Contract. That trumps all else. Of course I knew so many more were there supporting us! I saw the Golden Light of Christ energy. I hear a buzzer I ask AA Raphael to take care of it & he does!
I took the smoky quartz sphere in my hand and continued to rub his back while thanking his lungs. I got teary eyed just thanking his kidneys. They have worked so incredible hard for Andrew! They have had such a tremendous job to do w/eliminating the chemo, the many dead white cells and other drugs from Andrewâ€™s system. They have done a brilliant job! His heart? Well what can I say about that, I have so much love for that heart of his! I went to his stomach, bladder, lungs, spleen, intestines, they have ALL risen to this challenge with such courage! The more I thank the more they responded. I just keep talking, thanking and rubbing.
I had a dry wash cloth with tea tree oil on it by his face. It is permeating the room!
As I had mentioned already, before this infection happened and Andrew was in a good mood, he was so funny. You know we have our fuzzy goodness which is kissing his fuzzy wee head. Well now with delodid he called it his buzzy goodness!! And he ainâ€™t sharing! And he let us know he wasn’t sharing! Heâ€™s a clown through and through! Wonder where on Earth he gets it!! The world may never know! Yea right, I hear you say?
After that I literally sat on the edge of my seat all that night so I could help Andrew with his oxygen mask and other needs. He had a HUGE oxygen mask on that forced oxygen into his lungs, it wasn’t one of those little ones. He looked like a fighter pilot and it was uncomfortable for him to wear.
I went back to the Clown House in the morning before the doctors made rounds. I knew I didn’t want to be there for that! I was only sleeping a few hours when I just woke up. I then got a call from Martin and realized why I woke up. They had to intubate Andrew again! DAMMIT! Martin said they were hoping he wouldn’t need to be on it for long. What happened to Martin and Jeremy that day, after I left early in the morning, is very powerful and they will explain in their own words what they experienced as an Avatar was being prepared to go home. You got the Avatar’s version in the beginning of the book, now you will get ours.
Andrew was scared when he heard they wanted to intubate again. He didn’t want to go through that again. Martin calmed his fears by explaining that they needed to get more oxygen into lungs to get them to expand and he shouldn’t be on it for long. Andrew looked at him and said “Ok, Daddy. Can I have some soda to drink?” Andrew was willing to do whatever it took to get better, so if this meant intubation again, he would do it. He wasn’t suppose to have anything drink but Martin gave him some Sprite anyway. Andrew looked at Martin and as he put his head back down, he said “Ok Daddy, let’s do this.” That was the last thing he said.
MARTIN AND JEREMY’S STORIES INSERT HERE
I get back to the hospital around noon time and there is a bunch of people in his room trying to stabilize him. It was hard to watch because they had the door and blinds open as my incredible 16 year old son laid there in only a diaper that I could tell was soiled. I went in to be with him and was just in shock at everything that was going on.
Thank goodness Sue from the skin team was called, she came in and I could see the sadness in her face because Andrew was one of her favorite patients. I think she was not happy about the way Andrew was so exposed, she closed the blinds and the door. Bless her! She gave my son the dignity he deserved. I know the others were focused on keeping Andrew alive and weren’t thinking of anything else. I’m just grateful Sue was there!
The room was crowded so Martin and I decide to leave so the medical team could stabilize Andrew without us being in the way. We went outside with Betsy, his massage therapist, she came down when she heard about Andrew being intubated again. We chatted with her for awhile before we went to the Clown House to rest. I always got extremely upset when anything happened so this time I decided I wouldn’t because he always pulled through. So I figured going to the Clown House was the best thing to do.
We were there for a few hours when an old friend called me on my cell to see how things were going. As I was chatting with him our room phone rang, that ain’t good, that means it’s the hospital. I started to feel nauseous when the nurse said we needed to come back to the hospital but wouldn’t give any details. I told my friend I had to go and Martin and I immediately left. I told him to go in first, I didn’t want to go in with him. I wanted him to asses everything so he could he prepare me.
A few moments later I walk into the PICU. The first thing I notice is the look on everyone’s face. I mean everyone! The people behind the desk, nurses of other patients, the cleaning people. They ALL had that look of “I’m so sorry for you.” My heart sank. I knew what that look meant.
Martin is standing by the reception desk and looking in Andrew’s room as they are shocking him, pushing epi’s and doing compressions. I fall against Martin and said “OMG! We are losing him aren’t we?! We are actually losing him!” I was hoping beyond all hope that Martin was going to say “No, he’s going to be fine, they have to do this, he will be ok.” But that is NOT what he said. He said “Yes.” I couldn’t believe it, this wasn’t happening! I nearly collapsed. There was NO way this was really happening to us! But when the doctor said that we had to “call it,” I ran outside to the garden area to call people. Maybe one of them could make it stop!
I sat on the ground crying as I called Elatia first to tell her that she was losing her brother. I will never forget her screams in my phone. She just kept screaming “No! No! No! NOOOOOOOOO!” It broke my heart to hear that. I told her I didn’t want her driving up, I wanted her husband, Ed to drive her. Everyone I called was in the same state of disbelief as we were.
I don’t know how much time went by when a nurse came out to tell us that they would continue to work on Andrew until 4a.m. if we didn’t go in and “call it.” I told her “That works for me.” But I knew what we had to do, we had to go in and tell them to stop working on our beautiful son, we were going to have to let him go.
I get up off the ground and tell who ever I was talking to, I don’t remember, that we had to go in and call our son’s time of death! No parent should have to do that! Yet we were going to have to! After everything we have been through, we have to do this now!
We go in and they were still doing compressions on Andrew. I mumble that they can stop. The male nurse that was up on the bed, didn’t hear me, the doctor had to physically let him know to stop. When he stopped I watched as the lines all gradually went flat and yes there was that horrible long beeeeeeeeep! I asked them to please make it stop, PLEASE make it stop! I took Andrew’s hand and put it to my face. I wanted him to hold my face in his hand one last time. I don’t even remember what all I said to him, I just remember standing there holding his warm hand to my face. I wanted to stand there forever. I noticed his breathing tube was filled with blood, there was blood splattered on the equipment, so I just focused on my Prince laying there. I went into shock. Shock, a beautiful thing.
The nurse came in and said they wanted to clean Andrew and the room so we could spend time with him. I didn’t want to be there to see that, so I went into the hall just outside the PICU and sat on the floor as the night pastor tried to talk to me. She didn’t understand me and I didn’t understand her, it was better that way.
Nothing made sense to me. How could another bright Light leave?? Don’t we need him here?? That’s all I could think. I didn’t even know where Martin was. At that moment it didn’t matter, I just knew my son was gone.
It seemed like it was forever before we were able to go back in with Andrew. Finally we were and Andrew looked so peaceful. AND he was chatting away to Martin non stop. I have never been more grateful that Martin is such a great medium! The nurse asked if we wanted to bathe Andrew. I said yes. I figured why not, the last chance to bathe my son. He didn’t need it, he was very clean, it’s the ceremony of it all I think. The nurse was so kind and compassionate. She also asked if we wanted Andrew’s hands and feet prints. I said yes but we could only get one foot because of the bed sore on the other. I think because I didn’t want to get ink on his sore. I just realized that now, I didn’t want to get ink on his sore. Crazy huh? Like it mattered anymore if ink got in his sore. The mama gene never stops! So we just got the right hand and foot print.
I kept kissing the top of his head to get my “fuzzy goodness” and talking to him. I wanted to get as much “fuzzy goodness” as I could before I couldn’t get it anymore. Plus it was hard to touch his hand now or kiss his lips because they were getting cold and things became too real when I did that. But my “fuzzy goodness” was still good!
I sat in the chair again staring at Andrew as Martin told me what Andrew was saying. Andrew wanted Martin to find his phone because there was a song Andrew wanted him to play so Martin and I could dance. Andrew said he never saw us dance. Martin found the Enya song Andrew wanted and we danced beside our sonâ€™s body. Our son was dancing with us. I knew he had his arms around us while we danced. Martin continued to tell me what Andrew was saying and helping me to feel him as he wiped my tears.
It was then we got bits and pieces of Andrew’s journey home. Martin was in awe even then on how magnificent it was. I was sitting back in my chair still in disbelief with tears streaming down my face staring into space. Martin then tells me to look at Andrew to see what he did, I look up and sure enough Andrew did put a smile on his face! What a smart ass! SO I said to Andrew “Nice try! Start breathing then I’ll be impressed!” I was actually looking to see if he did! After I said that his grin got even bigger! What an even bigger smart ass! And I’m suppose to be the comedian! His grin was big! So much so everyone noticed his grin when they arrived! I know Andrew didn’t want us to be upset because he was just fine, but too bad! I wanted my son back!
Andrew started to bleed from his nose and some from his mouth, I couldn’t clean it up fast enough. I ran out to the nurse like it was an emergency, force of habit I guess, that he was bleeding. I didn’t want to spend my last time with him bleeding. She straightened out his head and it stopped. I gently cleaned his teeth and nose. I wanted to take care of him as much as I could for as long as I could, it was my last chance. I wanted to make the most of it.
Family and friends starting to arrive. Elatia and Ed were first. I’m glad she was. I wanted us to spend time with her alone with just the 5 of us before everyone else arrived.
I continued to get my “fuzzy goodness” but as time wore on it was getting harder to stay. I was noticing the blood pooling now behind his head and he was getting colder and it was becoming more real that he was really gone…physically. So as hard as it was to leave, we all decided to leave. I couldn’t stay and talk to the nurse or maybe I just left my body, but when they started talking about what we were going to do with his body I checked out. I couldn’t deal with it. I came to this hospital with a 6 ft handsome 16 year old young man and now, less than 4 months later he was coming home in an urn?? Seriously?? I just couldn’t wrap my head around that. There was no big girl panties to be found nor was I looking for them! This was the first time in my life that I just couldn’t be the strong one. I guess I was strong in the sense I didn’t collapse or go screaming through the halls like I thought I would. But I certainly wasn’t strong enough to handle any arrangements.
Martin stepped up to the plate and handled it all! That night talking to the nurse to making the arrangements the next day. All we could think of that night was “Call the Irish Rover! They will know what to do!” I remember standing there and saying “We don’t know what to do, we’ve never had to do this before with anyone let alone our own child!” Martin called the Rover and Carole contacted us, she not only worked for the ambulance company that rushed Andrew to ACH, to which they not only canceled our nearly $800 bill but donated $1,000 at the Rover benefit for Andrew in September. Now she was going to help us with the funeral service for Andrew as well. We were blessed with very good friends that rose to the occasion to help us beyond anything we could imagine.
Jeremy went with Martin the next day to meet with Carole at The Shannon, while Denise took me home. Carole took control and told Martin what would be done. While Martin, Andrew and I planned his actual service, Carole took care of all the logistics.
There are no words to describe what it is like to share a journey like this with the person you have loved since you were 13 years old. To share it with him and your child. This whole experience has brought us so close on a very deep level. A level I did not even know existed.
At the time it was so incredibly hard and devastating. It still is. Only now I can see how lucky we are to have been allowed to go on this journey with Andrew. Not everyone could handle a journey like this one and be able to continue the work that is to be done now. Do I know exactly what that entails? Ummm no. I just know Iâ€™m up for it!
I didnâ€™t just lose my son, I helped an Avatar make his journey home and fulfill his life purpose here. THATâ€™S HUGE! And as my son ALWAYS says “IT’S ALL GOOD!”