No matter where I look there just aren’t any to be found!
My heart is filled w/so much gratitude!! YOu have honored my Son, my Prince, in such a beautiful way. I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
As you can imagine things are hectic. People are arriving so there’s airport runs and just all kinds of things to do to prepare for Andrew’s celebration on Sat. It is bittersweet because I get to see him again but it will be for the last time physically. I don’t know how I will handle it. I want to handle it with the same courage and grace Andrew has shown me and all of us.
When Martin and I are alone we have such a great time w/Andrew! He teaches us, he loves us, he makes us laugh! My heart gets a reprieve from the constant ache & feels good. I told Andrew to be patient w/me. Like he wouldn’t be anyway. I gave him this analogy. I said “You know how you needed platelets a lot due to the fever eating them up? Well I need a lot “Mucklets” due to the grief! My grief burns them up” He thought that was a cute way of putting it. Of course he said “Anything for you Pretty Mama!”
Before we picked up Martin’s cuz and sis last night we stopped by the hospital to say good bye to the night staff. Elatia & Denise went w/me. I adorned my blue pass I’ve had since July. I was nervous but then I felt Andrew beside me and he said “Stand tall mama, stand proud!” He talked to me to keep the focus on him because as we walked down the halls and passed the cat scan and MRI rooms I could feel anxiety building up remembering him being ill. The fear of losing him. Knowing that my worst fear was realized. But he was right by my side talkin me thru it.
Once we go to the 2nd floor I felt better. Everyone was so glad to see me. They gave me such big hugs! They miss ANdrew so much! Miss Weezy was fighting back the tears. Andrew loved her. She was always chatting to him while doing his vitals. Haffey his other vitals person said “You have some great stories I bet on his journey.” Her and I would always have great spiritual talks. It felt good talking about Andrew. I was able to tell a few people about his wonderful journey and the exciting things he’s doing.
I brought Megan, a girl who has been dealing w/a.l.l. leukemia for 6 yrs., 2 t-shirts we had recently made for ANdrew but he never got to wear. One was “dealing w/healing people! what are you looking at??” ANd the other is a pic of “The Muck” in bed with the IV poles and stuff and it sez “How do you think I feel??” It is sooo Megan!
Then we went to the PICU to see if Julie was working and she was. His fav night nurse in the PICU. Walking to the PICU was like the Green Mile. I really needed Andrew’s strength then. I called in and said This is Andrew’s mom is Julie in. I heard her say “It’s Andrew’s mom!” She said yes, she was working and did I want to come back. I said “No, I can’t come back there. Can she come out?” I felt myself starting to tremble at the very thought of going back there. Andrew telling me to breathe.
Julie came out and we had such a great chat w/her. She said we affected her in such a big way. She said after over 20 yrs she doesn’t allow herself to get close but she couldn’t help it with us. It’s what we do! We discussed the impact Andrew had on the entire hospital. I explained that the leukemia was gift to Martin and I so we would have all this time with him before he went. That it was his time and he was going regardless. We were grateful that is wasn’t a sudden accident. I wouldn’t have survived that. Plus by being willing to go thru what he did he was able to effect so many people in such a positive way in a short amount of time. I am in awe of his incredible courage.
I did actually sleep last night!!! For about 6 hrs.! AND I actually ate something this a.m. AND I don’t feel nauseas!! PROGRESS! My heart doesn’t ache right now! It feels good. I am trying to remember what Andrew is teaching me, “focus on who I am now! See me the way I am now! Remember me NOW!” He looks so handsome! He is beautiful and so regal! A true Prince!
We are planning a trip to N. Ireland soon. Andrew has been wanting to go. He talked about it a lot in the PICU. ANd Martin needs to be with his family after all this. And I think his family needs him to help heal their grief! SO you guys buying us a drink will help us accomplish that!Â I think the addy for that is http://www.buymartinabeer.org or .com if that doesn’t work or buymartinadrink.org I will look and see if I got it write. An ATP friend set that up for people to donate. We have received so much support! t sez a lot about our ANdrew!
Martin’s mother is so distraught! SHe just adored Andrew! Plus we need to decompress. SO we are bringing some of Andrew’s ashes to spread by his Aunt Julie’s house his fav place to be when we went. Elatia will be going as well to be there for spreading some of his ashes. She needs to be apart of the final leg of this part of the journey. People are talking about wanting some of his ashes. Andrew’s response?? “I should’ve eaten more!!”
I do have so many wonderful stories to tell. But when all has settled down so be patient! It will be worth the wait!
IT’S ALL GOOD!! THANK YOU FOR BEING MY SON MUCK! Magickal Blessings!