To this healing grief game. We went to our warehouse over the weekend to put away the herbs from our former store and other boxes and brought home some more boxes to unpack.
One box we brought home was a box of Andrew’s baby things. Yea, that was easy to go through. In there was a shirt I made when I was 6 months pregnant with Andrew for St. Paddy’s Day that said “Future Leprechaun.” I also found the baby t-shirt we bought that St. Paddy’s Day that said “Irish Prince.” That he was…is! He will ALWAYS be my Prince.
His “I’m a Boy” sign from his hospital incubator was in there along with my hospital wrist band. He was born at 2:02p.m. He left here on Oct 22. There were his hospital baby gowns and little t-shits Elatia made for her new baby brother. I found a pair of Andrew’s baby black Converse shoes as well as his baby dress shoes I remember putting on him. There was also a tiny baby baseball hat I remember strapping on him. There were mylar balloons from the hospital and the baby shower. Plus Congratulation cards on our new baby boy. *wipes tears*
Upon all of this, there was Andrew’s absolutely favorite, overly loved “Favit” as he called it. It was a bunny rabbit that Andrew loved the stuffing out of. He cried when my mother had to sew Favit up because Andrew thought she was hurting him. We taped him crying as my mother was fixing Favit. Favit still looks like he had the stuffing loved out of him.
I went through his baby stuff while I sat in his bedroom looking around at his amazing life & how wonderful he is, realizing yet again he would never walk in here or come barreling out of here again with that big grin of his telling me he loves me and I wonder how I will ever get over this. I realize I never will. Even when I can fully accept where Andrew is now, I will never get over losing his beautiful physical self. His physical self was so stunning and incredible. He was truly beautiful in every way. I can’t wait to feel the full effect of who he is now, I’m still hung up on the amazing person he was here. I miss that part of him so much! I guess as I move through the grief, it will become easier and I will be able to have the kick ass astral sessions Leah does! :-D
I know it’s the grief holding me back but there’s no way around the grief. I just have to keep moving through it, as hard as it is to let go of the physical part of Andrew, I know I have to. Every other part of Andrew is very much alive and well and apart of our lives. This mama gene is a bitch to deal with! She just doesn’t want to let go, but my Higher Self will win one of these days. Until then….
IT’S ALL GOOD!