WARNING! Rant to ensue! For those that may be new to this blog and haven’t read another post, there’s your warning. Grief ain’t pretty and I don’t pretend it is.
After having talked to several people that have gone through a major tragedy and or grief, and finding out they have had similar experiences with people they thought would be there and were not, I can definitely see I need to write a book about grief from the front lines. People need to know they are not alone and it is not their fault. Grief has it’s dirty little secrets, especially where family is concerned, and I want to shine light on it!
It has been 3 years since Andrew left. It still amazes me what people still think they can ask of me or dump on me while I am still going through grief. I didn’t just loose my dog…no wait, we did ALSO lose our dog, Andrew’s dog, Wolfie, 2 months before Andrew. There are people that carry on for years over the loss of a dog. HELLLOOOOOO I LOST MY SON! MY SON! Not a goddamn dog! Dammit, we did lose a dog too! So SUCK IT people who just lose a pet! I lost BOTH! A child and a pet! Nearly lost TWO children as well as a pet! And yet people still have the audacity to dump on me, not give me the space to just be & still ask things of me I am not emotionally ready to help with and then get pissed off when I can’t be there for them! ARE YOU KIDDING ME with this??!!
Recently I have been connecting with mothers who have either lost a child to cancer or have a child going through treatment. What this has made me realize is, is that I have not worked through all the anger and resentment I have towards people that have been really shitty to me since Andrew past. SO called friends, and family. I hate to admit this, but I am still PISSED! I am still MAD AS HELL! So not enlightened of me, but it is what it is. Then again maybe being enlightened is acknowledging our human side and with our human side there is sometimes anger. Yea, I like that explanation much better.
Those of you who have followed me throughout this entire journey know I don’t pretend to be anything I am not, I do not hide my feelings. When it hurts I say say it hurts. When I am angry I say I am angry. I am not doing anybody any favors if I was to be all high and mighty, like I am above all the human emotions of grief because of what I know, what I teach and who I am. That would be a great disservice to anyone reading this blog. I am not above the layers of grief of losing a child. No one is, I don’t care who you are or what you know. That mama or daddy gene trumps it all! Grief still gets heavy at times and I’m guessing it will for quite some time, if not the rest of my life, I just need people to understand that and not be so hard on me.
Now on a lighter note, here’s a conversation I had with Andrew tonight after my rant. While I know my incoming granddaughter will never replace Andrew or fill the void he has left behind, she certainly will help fill the void slightly and bring joy back into our lives. So here’s the conversation I had with him about this…
“You know Muck, “She who must not be named” could NEVER fill your shoes.” He said “Well they’re pretty big shoes Mommy, she’d have to have some mad clown feet!” Then he says, “Wait, isn’t her other grandparents clowns? Maybe she can!” I’m still giggling about it. He really made me laugh with that one! But no Muck she won’t! He helped lighten my mood and lighten the heaviness of grief just like that. He’s a good son! Thanks Muck!
IT’S ALL GOOD!