WARNING! Rant to ensue! For those that may be new to this blog and haven’t read another post, there’s your warning. Grief ain’t pretty and I don’t pretend it is.
After having talked to several people that have gone through a major tragedy and or grief, and finding out they have had similar experiences with people they thought would be there and were not, I can definitely see I need to write a book about grief from the front lines. People need to know they are not alone and it is not their fault. Grief has it’s dirty little secrets, especially where family is concerned, and I want to shine light on it!
It has been 3 years since Andrew left. It still amazes me what people still think they can ask of me or dump on me while I am still going through grief. I didn’t just loose my dog…no wait, we did ALSO lose our dog, Andrew’s dog, Wolfie, 2 months before Andrew. There are people that carry on for years over the loss of a dog. HELLLOOOOOO I LOST MY SON! MY SON! Not a goddamn dog! Dammit, we did lose a dog too! So SUCK IT people who just lose a pet! I lost BOTH! A child and a pet! Nearly lost TWO children as well as a pet! And yet people still have the audacity to dump on me, not give me the space to just be & still ask things of me I am not emotionally ready to help with and then get pissed off when I can’t be there for them! ARE YOU KIDDING ME with this??!!
Recently I have been connecting with mothers who have either lost a child to cancer or have a child going through treatment. What this has made me realize is, is that I have not worked through all the anger and resentment I have towards people that have been really shitty to me since Andrew past. SO called friends, and family. I hate to admit this, but I am still PISSED! I am still MAD AS HELL! So not enlightened of me, but it is what it is. Then again maybe being enlightened is acknowledging our human side and with our human side there is sometimes anger. Yea, I like that explanation much better.
Those of you who have followed me throughout this entire journey know I don’t pretend to be anything I am not, I do not hide my feelings. When it hurts I say say it hurts. When I am angry I say I am angry. I am not doing anybody any favors if I was to be all high and mighty, like I am above all the human emotions of grief because of what I know, what I teach and who I am. That would be a great disservice to anyone reading this blog. I am not above the layers of grief of losing a child. No one is, I don’t care who you are or what you know. That mama or daddy gene trumps it all! Grief still gets heavy at times and I’m guessing it will for quite some time, if not the rest of my life, I just need people to understand that and not be so hard on me.
Now on a lighter note, here’s a conversation I had with Andrew tonight after my rant. While I know my incoming granddaughter will never replace Andrew or fill the void he has left behind, she certainly will help fill the void slightly and bring joy back into our lives. So here’s the conversation I had with him about this…
“You know Muck, “She who must not be named” could NEVER fill your shoes.” He said “Well they’re pretty big shoes Mommy, she’d have to have some mad clown feet!” Then he says, “Wait, isn’t her other grandparents clowns? Maybe she can!” I’m still giggling about it. He really made me laugh with that one! But no Muck she won’t! He helped lighten my mood and lighten the heaviness of grief just like that. He’s a good son! Thanks Muck!
IT’S ALL GOOD!
i can see where u r comming from. it seems people like to talk about their own greif or troubles, but yet want others to get over it and move on. not really sure why that is exactly. have encountered it all my life tho. i love to help people and love to listen. even as a kid people talked to me. but in a sad moment of feeling weak i would try to reach out to others only to be coldly ignored or told they were busy. not sure how people learned to be like this. i say learned cos i dont think i could do it even if i tried, so i must not have learned how. with u i am wondering if people dont quite understand or r perhaps jealous. u after all still have a great gift of being in touch with ur son that most people dont have. of course there is still grief, but maybe they think u dont have as much cos u can still hear from him. sad that they could hear from theirs too if they listened. still, its all about love. its like that wacky family member that u listen to the same crazy story for the hundredth time, u do it for love. when someone is hurting how can u not undestand that? how can u not feel it too? i look at death different. i see it as going someplace way better. but that doesnt stop my understanding of another who is missing the person that used to be. i see stuff like this and think of the old comercial with people poluting the earth with garbage and the american indian guy with the tear rolling down his cheek. how can u not feel. how can peole shut it off??? there are times i would love to be able to shut it off to just not feel so much, but i cant. maybe these people dont know or have not experienced love to the depth u have. maybe they dont know the feelings u have so the complete void is not there for them. its like the grand canyon, the grief of losing a child. and nothing replaces that. stuff can help u cope, things can make it a lil more tolerable, but nothing will ever replace ur muck. and the fact that he still visits and gives advice and humour doesnt take away from the fact that u cant hold him. u r due the anger. maybe it will open someones eyes and make them rethink how they react to others. i know i am looking at myself and checking how i react to people with grief. just cos i dont feel it doesnt mean its not there. i dont have kids. i had step kids in my first marriage and the best i can compare it to is that i miss them so much. i email one and she is pregnant right now. i wont get to be the grandma, but try to hold on to that she is so happy. but still, its no where near what u have gone thru. and i tend to look more for the advice and stories about ur muck and sometimes, cos i didnt know him, forget that he is not here on this earth, this plane. so even i am learning. lol. so u vent and get it all out here as much as u want cos not only does it help u, its a strong message to others. maybe someone else dealing with loss will know its not wrong to feel the anger and its all part of the process. and those that dont feel loss, maybe they will examine themselves and be better for the future.
sorry i ran on….
Hugs Connie. Like I said before, I don’t pretend to know what to do or say sometimes, but I show up with support like someone who genuinely cares would. I think that is what is lacking for those who would dump their shit on you now…genuine care for you. Sorry that happens to you and so glad you have Andrew to lighten up that bit of reality for you too.