I wish I could say it was true, but I do regret losing the physical presence of my son! I’ve been working on the book and knew it would be hard, but damn! It was beyond hard! AND I’m not done yet. I have recently watched Andrew’s service, read over his diagnosis day, the first week in hospital, but to read the beautiful, tender moments I shared with Andrew, well, that sent me over the edge!
Over the last 3 years I have worked really hard to focus on who Andrew is now, and I have done fairly well in doing that. With all the experiences we have had with Andrew since he left, it has helped me to almost fully accept him now. I wouldn’t say completely, but almost. Then when I read about those moments with him in the hospital, my mama gene came out in full force! Geez it felt like it was the week he left. I cried and sobbed so much, I mean the whole Oprah ugly cry, that my eyes were swollen the next day. Good thing I was off work. I realized I have pushed down a lot of the feelings of missing Andrew, to keep some of what’s left of my sanity. It’s exhausting to stay in grief, so you do what you have to, to move beyond it for awhile. For me it’s about focusing on who Andrew is now, and working on my connection with him. I can run but I can’t hide forever from that grieving mama gene. I know that for the rest of my life, she will rear her ugly head from time to time.
Remembering Andrew’s physical being and our intimate moments together is so powerful, it was to the point I just wanted out of my skin again, I just wanted out! I can’t believe I still have to read the full manuscript yet. Just reading August’s posts did this to me. I hope this book is worth all this. Because as it stands now, this will be my last book! I can’t go through all these intense emotions again to only just sell a few books. Soooo not worth it!
I’m just hoping I will have no regrets about writing this book!
IT’S ALL GOOD