Andrew is still grounded to his room. It’s been a week and I haven’t taken anything of his out of his room yet. He’s got to show me a damn good reason why he had to leave me or he stays grounded. If I am suppose to buy into this whole Higher purpose stuff, well I wanna see it! And so far I ain’t seen a damn thing! We’ve done all we possible can, we have the music CD’s, and the first book out, and we constantly show up even when others don’t. What more can we do?  (other than cry) It’s PureHeart’s turn to step it up. Or maybe all of this has just been for nothing. At this point I don’t know what to think. Ironic since I live with Psychic Boy and apparently have an Avatar son. WTF is all I can say.

Ok, enough baaawaaaing, for the moment anyway. I was flipping through the channels the other night and I felt a nudge to stop at Lisa Williams’ show, “Voices From The Other Side.” As I’m watching it, a few things really catch my attention. There was a mother and father there to connect with their 13yo son. One of the first things that caught my attention was when their son said, “I didn’t want to go! I didn’t want to go!” While their son didn’t want to go on the boat, where he ended up passing from a freak accident, I knew Andrew was telling me he didn’t want to go, he didn’t want to leave us. While it got my attention, I still wasn’t impressed. So Andrew steps it up. The next thing Lisa says to the parents is, “He keeps saying a name to me, Jordan?” The parents confirm that this is his name. Ok, that caught my attention as well, but I still wanted more.

The next thing Lisa asks is, “Does he have smelly feet? He is showing me his trainers (sneakers) and they smell.” The parents were a bit hesitant about it but then said yes. I guess it wasn’t that big of an issue for them. But  OMG! That was a MAJOR issue for Andrew! God awful, horrible, eyes watering, smelly feet is a Jordan trait. Andrew’s feet even smelled when he was a baby. Ok, pretty impressive, but I’m still sitting with my arms crossed and a few tears streaming down my face, saying, “What else you got? I’m still mad at you.”

The next thing Lisa asks is, “Does he twist his hair?” And she does the motion exactly like Andrew use to do. My arms are still crossed, but there’s more tears. When I use to walk past his room, Andrew would be at his computer twisting his hair while intensely looking at the computer screen. Probably watching some John Denver videos. He twisted the one spot on the left side of his head so much so that he had a little “horn” that always stuck out. I was always getting on his case about it because it messed with the hair cuts I’d give him. He got that hair twirling thing from me.

When I watched it the second time with Martin, I made him watch it to see if he catches the signs, he does. I picked up another reference that was from Andrew. Jordan kept mentioning the boat and their last holiday together. On our last trip together as a family, to save Elatia’s life, a few months before Andrew was diagnosed, we went on the haunted boat the Queen Mary in Long Beach, Ca. We went there while waiting for the results of Elatia’s x-rays. We had a fun time together on the Queen Mary. We had breakfast together, then walked around the boat and grounds. Elatia and Andrew walked off together and she took pictures of the area and of  him. Even though the trip was about Elatia’s health crisis, it was a nice family trip, our last one together and the Queen Mary was one of the highlights of the trip. I remember thinking how nice it was to be on a family trip all together as I watched Elatia and Andrew walk off together chatting away to one another.  Elatia being 25 and married, family trips wouldn’t be the norm anymore. I was really loving and appreciating my family because I had just nearly lost my daughter a few months earlier. That time of the 4 of us being together meant the world to me. Little did I know it was only the tip of the iceberg of trauma and grief that was soon going to be my life. I was silly enough to think that I had been through the worst of it, but it was only the beginning of my worst nightmare.

The next story, Lisa is on the street and stops a young woman. Lisa tells her that there is a woman that keeps coming in. The woman confirms it is her God sister Becky. Lisa asks her if she sings. She says, “yes.” Lisa tells her that she should have her voice out there more, and Becky gives her the inspiration for her music and is working with her on it. Then Lisa asks her if Becky had cancer and that she lost her hair, because she loved her hair. The young woman confirms it with a tearful yes. It was how Becky said she was guiding this woman’s music AND she had cancer that caught Martin’s attention.

While all this was very nice, we know Andrew is around, at this point I need more. I need to know, I need to be shown, what this Higher purpose is. I need confirmation that Martin and I are really on the right track with all the hard work we have been doing since Andrew left, or has it just been a waste of time and wishful thinking. Asking, “soup or salad” doesn’t make my heart sing, being out in front of people sharing Andrew’s story does! I want to know, I NEED to know that all this hard work and heart ache means something! So yes Muck, those signs were nice, but no cigar dude. Your Pretty Mama needs more at this point! And until I get it, my attitude will still be FUCK IT!


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3 Responses to NICE TRY BUT NO CIGAR

  1. Karen T says:

    I totally got a visual of him trying to get a cigar out of your hands and you putting it behind your back. :-)

    I was just reading something else before I came here that warned about assuming. I tend to assume you may need your space for going through what you are right now. But I will not assume. I again, have no idea what I can do to help, but wanted to put it out there that if you want to get out from the middle of those four walls some Mon, Wed or Fri night, I would have Brad take the kids and join you. I don’t have a clue, except I can be an ear/friend/partner in fun.

    Hugs Connie!

  2. admin says:

    Thx Karen, I should have Mon or Wed free, I’m waiting to see if they schedule me Wed for hosting. I only had 2 shifts instead of my usual 3 this past week even after me asking for more. *sigh* All I have is space to wallow in my grief since nothing else is coming thru. As soon as I know my schedule I’ll text you. It should be later today

  3. admin says:

    Mon & Wed is fine w/me. No hosting shifts. I texted you a few days ago. Lemme know

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