(Feb. 27) I was going to edit this, actually delete most of it. But these were my feelings at the time as ugly as they might be. Losing a child isn’t pretty and the grief and despair is deep. I’m not going to pretend going through this is easy, no matter how light workery I’d like to be. It sucks and it gets ugly sometimes. So there you have it. ENJOY :-D )
So as you can imagine I am NOT doing to well! It started late last night. I could tell the right side of his snout was bothering him. He wasn’t in pain but it was irritating him. I tried to see if something was caught in his teeth but he wasn’t having it.

Then at 1:30am he was making a weird sound and was taking his paw and trying to rub something off the right side of his snout but nothing was there. By morning it was swollen like he was in a fight. I start to panic. One, that it could be something serious, (ya know, like a sore throat turning into leukemia!) 2. how the hell am I gonna pay for this?? I haven’t paid the electric and a few other things yet this month! We’re still trying to recover from not working for 5 months!

We take him into the vet and we find out that he has an abscess and needs 1-4 teeth pulled, then cleaned & it will be around $600. I have one card I can max out putting the deposit on it. Hopefully I have enough on another card that I’m late paying I can put the balance on. But at least he will be ok.

I call to see how he is later in the day and they had to pull TWELVE teeth!!! I have no idea what this nightmare balance is going to be. I was worried about Merlin and how he was doing. Twelve teeth is a hell of a lot to lose in one go. I couldn’t stand it and I went over to see him at 6:30pm. I got to hold him and he was excited to see me then Denise. He is still heavily medicated. I hate seeing him like that. I didn’t want to put him back in his cage, he has to stay the night. This is really hard on me!

Welllllll, you can imagine my state of mind today! I was petrified I was going to lose my baby! Why not?? I nearly lost Elatia, I did lose Andrew and now Elatia has a cyst on her other ovary!!!!! I feel like I’m under attack! Like the powers that be won’t be happy till I have a full on god damn nervous break down!!!!! Well they just may get their wish! It seems like the more positive I try to be & move through this, the more I get hit with BS!!!

I am at the end of my rope! Like having to deal with Andrew’s ascension isn’t enough! I have to worry about how to keep a roof over my head, electric, ect ect. Having to deal with serious financial BS (like putting your mortgage on a credit card!) as well as a major trauma is really too much!!!! IT’S NOT FAIR! Trying to find ONE f-ing reason to stay here is getting harder and harder!

So if you don’t hear from me you know why! I’m exhausted and a basket case! I am beside myself and overwhelmed. It’s just too much to deal with! I may have to start popping pills or something just to get through my life! This dealing with shit sober isn’t working for me!

I’ll be spending the day with my baby tomorrow & with any luck I’ll be nursing him back to health. I’m just going to be a vegetable for awhile & really cocoon & try and figure out why the hell I’m really here! I’m tired of feeling beat up! IT SUCKS!

On the upside Muck did turn his tv on again and the fairy light. His bed looks messier but it could just my wishful thinking.

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  1. Joanie Light says:

    Sending hugs and prayers. Asking AA Raphael to infuse healing light to Merlin and Elatia.

  2. Swati says:

    This really is not fair. I have no clue why everything is happening to you guys at the same time. It is totally weird. The only good thing I can see from this is…it all sounds so bad, it can’t get worse now. Now the only direction to go is up. No, I don’t mean Heaven! I mean…an upswing should start NOW for you. Enough is enough. This is the rock bottom.

    I’m praying for you guys, holding you all in much love. Upswing NOW.

  3. Susan says:

    I am sending you, Martin, Elatia, and Merlin lots of love and healing light. Remember that there are a ton of people out here loving you!

  4. Leila says:

    Keeping you, Martin, Elatia and Merlin in my prayers and sending waves of love to each of you.

  5. Karen T. says:

    Geez Connie…what the hell! More love, hugs and prayers for that upswing, plus healing energies for Elatia, Merlin and you.

  6. Dana says:

    Awww….Connie! I wish I were closer so I could give you hugs in person!
    I’m sending you lots of love and healing vibes now and all through the day & night!

  7. kimberley says:

    Oh no Connie!
    Do you think you should get a second opinion , 12 teeth OMG . That sounds crazy.Poor little Merlin. I agree this is so NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    If its ok, I will send healing to him & you.
    I’m thinking there has to be an organization that can help with finances, until you guy’s can get back on your feet. Perhaps, we can all look into that, even get a fundraiser going?

    Lots of Love and Divine help to You& Martin

  8. kimberley says:

    I just re-read your post, the 1st time I didn’t read it all the way through and missed about your daughter. Sending prayers and support to her. She is WELL.

  9. kimberley says:

    I hope it’s ok with you, I’ve called the humane society but, there not open yet, so I’ll call back at 9am. I thought I would check if they will help with the vet bill. As, they do fundraisers and do have funds allocated for such situations. Well, they do that here in NC. My friend was the president for The Humane society here and they do help with emergency situation’s. I really hope this is ok with you.

  10. Leila says:

    How are you and lil Merlin this morning?

    Sending more love, hugs and prayers.

  11. Anna Taylor says:


    Sending lots of love and angels and asking them to comfort you and Merlin and also Elatia and Martin. Seeing you all healthy with plenty of money!!



  12. Swati says:

    I guess you must be at the vets for the day as you said. Still praying that all will go upswing now for you. Everyone healthy in your family, all finances in great condition…you have much more than you can even think of spending, and anything that is not right should turn perfect now.

  13. Leah Clark says:

    Poor Merlie!!! Does he even HAVE 12 teeth to pull? Poor baby!!! Connie, the only thing I can think of with regard to your situation is surrender. I know it’s in our nature to fight, but it’s possible that you have yet to surrender, let go, be at peace no matter what. Not an easy task, for sure… I know what it’s like to have nothing coming in, no prospects, and yet we’re supposed to allow prosperity to flow in effortlessly. And that just sounds like so much BULL when you’re in the middle of it! What can we do to help???? There has to be SOMETHING… Take the time you need, we’ll be here when you’re ready.

  14. Pretty Mama says:

    Thank you everyone for your love and prayers! I have a few e-mails to send out in special thanks….you know who you are! ;-)

    I will save the update for the blog post but you won’t have to wait till tomorrow. I’ll do it now.

  15. kimberley says:

    I hope merlin is doing better.
    I called the Humane Society and they are unable to help. They said not all shelters have vet’s and they do not help with anything other than spay & neutered. If you like, I can check if there are any other option/organizations that could help.

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