(Feb. 27) I was going to edit this, actually delete most of it. But these were my feelings at the time as ugly as they might be. Losing a child isn’t pretty and the grief and despair is deep. I’m not going to pretend going through this is easy, no matter how light workery I’d like to be. It sucks and it gets ugly sometimes. So there you have it. ENJOY :-D )
So as you can imagine I am NOT doing to well! It started late last night. I could tell the right side of his snout was bothering him. He wasn’t in pain but it was irritating him. I tried to see if something was caught in his teeth but he wasn’t having it.
Then at 1:30am he was making a weird sound and was taking his paw and trying to rub something off the right side of his snout but nothing was there. By morning it was swollen like he was in a fight. I start to panic. One, that it could be something serious, (ya know, like a sore throat turning into leukemia!) 2. how the hell am I gonna pay for this?? I haven’t paid the electric and a few other things yet this month! We’re still trying to recover from not working for 5 months!
We take him into the vet and we find out that he has an abscess and needs 1-4 teeth pulled, then cleaned & it will be around $600. I have one card I can max out putting the deposit on it. Hopefully I have enough on another card that I’m late paying I can put the balance on. But at least he will be ok.
I call to see how he is later in the day and they had to pull TWELVE teeth!!! I have no idea what this nightmare balance is going to be. I was worried about Merlin and how he was doing. Twelve teeth is a hell of a lot to lose in one go. I couldn’t stand it and I went over to see him at 6:30pm. I got to hold him and he was excited to see me then Denise. He is still heavily medicated. I hate seeing him like that. I didn’t want to put him back in his cage, he has to stay the night. This is really hard on me!
Welllllll, you can imagine my state of mind today! I was petrified I was going to lose my baby! Why not?? I nearly lost Elatia, I did lose Andrew and now Elatia has a cyst on her other ovary!!!!! I feel like I’m under attack! Like the powers that be won’t be happy till I have a full on god damn nervous break down!!!!! Well they just may get their wish! It seems like the more positive I try to be & move through this, the more I get hit with BS!!!
I am at the end of my rope! Like having to deal with Andrew’s ascension isn’t enough! I have to worry about how to keep a roof over my head, electric, ect ect. Having to deal with serious financial BS (like putting your mortgage on a credit card!) as well as a major trauma is really too much!!!! IT’S NOT FAIR! Trying to find ONE f-ing reason to stay here is getting harder and harder!
So if you don’t hear from me you know why! I’m exhausted and a basket case! I am beside myself and overwhelmed. It’s just too much to deal with! I may have to start popping pills or something just to get through my life! This dealing with shit sober isn’t working for me!
I’ll be spending the day with my baby tomorrow & with any luck I’ll be nursing him back to health. I’m just going to be a vegetable for awhile & really cocoon & try and figure out why the hell I’m really here! I’m tired of feeling beat up! IT SUCKS!
On the upside Muck did turn his tv on again and the fairy light. His bed looks messier but it could just my wishful thinking.