I know it does, but I don’t have to like it! There are moments when it is just a sucker punch when you realize just how much life really does goes on. Yesterday I had one of those moments. I was on Andrew’s friend Corey’s facebook page looking at his pictures and I was caught off guard. Corey recently became a friend of mine on Facebook. He was a die hard Myspace fan. His brother CJ still is, but Corey made the leap and came over to the dark side that is Facebook.

I haven’t seen Corey in about a year and a half since he moved to Key West to be near his father. I just wasn’t prepared to see what I did. Corey has dropped a lot of weight, toned up, and has really grown up! It was a reminder to me about how I have missed the last 3 years of watching my boy become more of a man, physically, because Andrew was more of a man at 16 than 98% of the men I know! There were pictures of Corey that reminded me of Andrew. I sat there staring at his picutres and crying, I tried not to, I had just put my make-up on to go out with Martin and didn’t want to screw up my face, but there was no stopping it, the emotions were like a tidal wave and we all know you can’t stop those. It was just another layer of grief I had to move through.

I pulled myself together to finish getting dressed. I look at my eyes, not to bad, easy fix. I go into the bedroom and Martin is in there getting his pants on. I start getting dressed and asked him if he had seen the pictures of Corey. He said yes. I then proceed to try and tell him how it effected me but the tears and not being able to talk gave it away how I felt about it. Martin came over to me to hug me and I just sobbed. Dammit! There goes the make-up! Crap!

As Martin lovingly and tenderly hugged me, he softly says, “It’s always something isn’t it?” I said “Yes there is! AND it SUCKS! I wasn’t expecting Corey’s pictures to hit me like this.” To see Corey enjoying life, hanging with girls, and looking so grown up, just put it right up in my face what I have missed the last 3 years. It was also Corey’s energy, somehow I could feel Andrew’s energy coming through Corey’s pictures. Andrew’s probably right there with his friends enjoying Key West life anyway. Andrew might have even moved down there for a bit once he was well enough, to just be with his friends and have a good time and just be a teenager for a change after all the leuekmia treatment. Corey and Andrew have known each other since they were 10 years old. Corey’s brother CJ is 18 months older and Andrew got very close to CJ his last year here. I know Andrew spends a lot of time with his friends, they mean the world to him! It is very apparent that he does because I could feel his energy coming through Corey’s picture.

Martin admitted to me that he had a dad moment the other morning, but Andrew was right there to console him. I know these kinds of moments will never go away, but at least Martin and I have each other and Andrew to help us through it.


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4 Responses to LIFE GOES ON

  1. Karen T says:

    I can’t grasp where you have to be sometimes with this. Hugs to you Connie.

  2. admin says:

    It’s a mind f**k to say the least. That’s the only way I can describe it. My life seems so surreal still, I know I am not fully present in it because it’s still too hard to be. It’s a coping mechanism, a healthier one at least.

  3. kerri says:

    i totally get this. ok, i didnt lose a kid, i lost my best friend and center of my universe. when i do things on the computer i sometimes cry. omg she would have loved facebook. it hadnt really taken off when she passed but she would have had a blast. and skype, why did they not have skype then??? we would have been able to see each other while we talked. she was living in virginia thru her cancer fight. i am here in fl. its so weird to get hit on some things. i mean it really does hit u. i see something and know she would have loved it. this year i have seen several gifts that would have been perfect for her. i feel her sometimes and i see her in my dreams but of course its not the same. she was who i went to about everything and she understood like no one else. she was my anchor and i have felt so much like i am just floundering around in rough waters without her.
    wow. i dont want to say that i am happy u felt this way, but part of me is happy i am not the only one that has done this. thanks so much for posting this.

  4. admin says:

    It’s just another layer to the grief that has to be felt and dealt with. :-/

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