I debated whether I was going to share what I have been recently going through, but I have been honest from day one, so why change that now? I have never pretended to be somebody I am not or pretend I am happy when I am not, so why start now? And for some that makes me a bitch, but I don’t care, to me it makes me authentic. I will also prove true that statement that you can take the gurl outta Joisey, but you can’t take the Joisey outta the gurl. But I am NOT tawking the Joisey Shore Joisey. I don’t know what the hell that is other than skanks, ho’s, and scum bags. I, like Jon BonJovi, refuse to watch the show. Unfortunately that does not let you escape their skankiness.
Sometimes when you have done all you can, and it still isn’t good enough, all you can do, as a friend just recently told me, is just say FUCK IT! There’s a song out there about this very thing, isn’t there?Â It’s my anthem now! I gotta google it and find it ASAP!I gotta write my own rendition of it too.
After the week I have had, not to mention the last 4 1/2 years, it is definitely time to say FUCK IT!Â I was so excited that “My Ghost Story” on the BIO network was flying us out to to L.A. this month so we could tell our story about Andrew, and show the picture of him showing up on his 3rd anniversary of his crossing. But they decided after spending 2 hours interviewing us, countless emails, filling out forms AND sending us flight info, to cancel our appearance on the show a few days after sending us our flight info. I had rented a car, made plans with friends, including Andrew’s girlfriend, booked an event in Laguna Hills, only having to cancel it all. I was so looking forward to this trip for many reasons.
To top it off, when I got the phone call last week, they had no reason why they were cancelling our appearance. Are you effin kidding me with this?? If I could have reached through the phone I would have choked the bitch till her eyes bugged! We arrange our lives, make plans with friends, pay for a rental car and you don’t have the courtesy to give me a reason why you are blowing us off, and not in a good way?? NOT COOL! To say I was livid, is putting it mildly! Remember? Red headed (doesn’t matter how I have the red hair) Leo here! It was the straw that broke the camel’s & my back!
I got so angry with Andrew as well as the BIO network. And since I could do nothing to the BIO network, I took it out on me, Martin & Andrew. I am so not impressed with Avatar Boy’s abilities! He’s sooooo NOT taking care of his Pretty Mama in my opinion! I was so angry for his leaving me, feeling it was for no Higher purpose at all. Like saying he had aÂ Higher purpose was just a coping mechanism for losing my son, and maybe that’s all it really is, a coping mechanism. Alls I know is that I do NOT like being fucked with in this manner! Like my book hasn’t been enough ofÂ a nightmare and fucking with my emotions?! Like I need to get my hopes up only to have them stomped all over? Like losing my son wasn’t enough?Â Like people, including family, dumping their shit on me and trying to say it’s mine isn’t enough? Like I don’t need a break from all that shit? I really needed a break from the heat and humidity as well, remember post menopausal woman here, and IÂ needed to be with like minded, supportive people to help feed my soul, but apparently that was asking way the fuck too much!
I was dumb enough to think that this tv appearance could quite possibly be the opportunity we had been looking for to help us get out there more, and to put butts in seats. Because as we know, unless you are on tv, people don’t give a shit about what you have to teach or say, no matter how great you are, or how great the information may be. No matter how much it could enhance or heal their lives, if you ain’t on tv, you don’t matter.
So in retaliation, I took everything about Andrew and threw it in his room and shut his door. I quit sharing his quotes on the back of the guest cards at work. I took out his picture in my Olive Garden order book. I took off my green bracelet from his service because I don’t feel like, “It’s All Good,” I took off my thumbie of his thumb print. I have grounded him to his room until he can give me some concrete reason why he had to leave me! I felt/feel so beat down. Like everything we have been through has been for nothing. If Andrew is an Avatar, why are we being so fucked with when we keep showing up with our hearts open ready to share? We have stepped up every step of the way, especially after Andrew passed, and for what? For one let down after another? Oh hell NO! I think we have earned the right to be able to spend the rest of our lives doing what we love, with people we love, and being supported in doing so, especially if we did indeed raise an Avatar and raise him well.
I have been resenting the fact that I have to get messages or hugs from my son in a song. I want it in the physical! FUCK this sign & song shit! I want my son in the flesh! But that is NEVER going to happen. Oh yes, this little rejection has sent me spiraling out of control. You can only hold it together, while being constantly stomped on for so long before you snap. Well, peeps, I have snapped! Soooo for the time being, I am just saying FUCK IT!Â I’m not going to do anything for now other than ask, “soup or salad with that?” Until Avatar Boy decides to get the lead out and show me something, or he really will be getting a HUGE pimp slap from me when I get over there!
Sometimes that’s just what you have to do in order to survive and regroup. I don’t care what you know, how enlightened you are, how religious you are, how spiritual you are, how lightworker you are, you are still human. And still being human sometimes means you still have very real, very raw human emotions. And instead of fighting it, you just have to say, FUCK IT! And that is what time it is for me now. Some may call it surrendering, but for this red headed, Leo, Wise One, Josiey gurl, it’s FUCK IT TIME!