I have been pondering that very thing, am I happy? I think about the story I share at our concerts of Andrew when we were in hospital and him telling me that he was happy. This 16yo boy could say he was happy even though he was getting chemo shot into his spine twice a week, among catscans, MRI’s, x-rays, and other luekemia treatments, had mouth ulcerations so bad and painful that not only couldn’t he eat, he couldn’t swallow his own saliva, he had diarrhea, fevers, his hair fell out, nausea, needed his parents to help him pee and poop, needles being stuck in him at every turn, stuck in a hospital for who knows how long while his friends were home for summer vacation having fun and yet he told me he was happy. I think about all that when I am feeling sad and missing Andrew so much. How can I not be happy when he could be happy while going through all of that?! I feel guilty for feeling sad. My son could find joy and happiness even while going through the most horrendous of situations. He told me he was happy because he chose to be happy. WOW! What an example he has set for his parents! It’s a lot to live up to.
So while on my jog tonight, I was thinking, am I happy? I decided that yes, I think I am happy. I am happier than most people that haven’t been through nearly the amount of trauma that what we have been through. But that’s not enough for someone who has raised an Avatar and had such an example on how to live a happy life no matter what. That’s I realized, YES! I am happy. Am I the happiest person alive, NO! Not by a long stretch. But I am happy. I am happy to have had the honor to raise and be apart of such an amazing soul’s journey here and when he had to leave. I am happy to have the husband and life partner that I have and we shared all of this together. I am so happy to have a healthy daughter who is giving birth to my granddaughter in March. There are so many things I am happy about with my life that I’d have to say I am indeed happy.
I was wondering this because I have learned that tragedy, money or success will magnify who you are. So many people think, “I will be happy when I have a crap load of money. Money will solve ALL my problems!” Money will only magnify where you are, so unless you are happy where you are now, money will NOT make it better! Money will NOT make you happy! Only the people who thought money would solve all their problems who won the lottery say it ruined their life. If you are happy where you are now and came into a lot of money, then you would do quite well with a lot of money.
When Martin got the job last year that saved our house, I was correct, not having financial stress made grief a lot easier to deal with. It doesnt mean that Martin and I were miserable, we have stuck together and have enjoyed our time together through it all. Even with all the stress of finances, grief, people crapping on us, we were happy with each other and still laughed everyday. It just made us closer. And yes, people have tried to crap on our relationship, but those people just don’t realize how close Martin and I are. We share EVERYTHING! We are each others best friend bar none! Amazing what jealously will do to people. But that’s not really my problem, it’s theirs.
Being happy doesn’t mean we never have down times, or that we don’t feel deep grief over Andrew’s leaving, it means we feel it and move through it quicker is all.
I ponder this as Martin and I are getting ready to really put ourselves out there in a big way with our book coming out in February, one of Martin’s songs getting an award, and us speaking at a conference in April. If we do get out in the public eye in a big way, I can honestly say that Martin and I are very happy. We don’t pretend to be anything we are not. What you see is what you get. No smoke and mirrors. We are the real deal. AND we are happy! Even after all the trauma and devastation we have been through we are happy. Are you?
IT’S ALL GOOD!
I simply love you and Martin’s real deal selves. Thank you for coming here to write Connie. I continue to learn so much from you both.
Thank you Karen for still coming here and posting! I really appreciate it. As you can see, people posting doesn’t happen that often anymore. So it’s a good thing I do this for me to get it all out, and if people do still come here and read this and learn something, that’s a bonus.
i sometimes find it hard to answer when someone asks how i am. i want to give a straightfoward answer but i dont want to sound like i am complaining. its funny cos i wont post alot of how i really feel on facebook. i rather go to twitter where it goes out into never never land. no one really reads it and no one has to deal with it. i get to express it and get it out, but not have to deal with what people think. u and martin were great parents, i can tell by ur stories and how u stood next to ur son during it all. i could see he would be happy to have u guys there helping especially when lots of kids dont get that. the love and acceptance ran so deep with u guys. u all have amazing relationships. alot of people dont understand those kinds of relationships cos they are so few and far between. being best friends makes ur life run smoother and lets u enjoy so much more. open and understanding relationships are amazing things. u have the gift of laughter. this brings so much extra into life. i am glad u dont let others get u down or interfere in any of ur relationships. i hope to be that strong someday. i feel like there is so much i want to say, so much i feel and want to thank u for, yet it looks like i just babble on in writing. thank u is so not enough sounding. and if i write too much i will sound like the biggest butt kisser. lol. itd be nice if there was a way to take ur heart and let someone else feel it. then they would know w/o bumbling words. u r an amazing woman. do not forget this. u r doing an awesome job. u r teaching.
No worries Kerri, I get what you are saying. There have been times I couldn’t express how I felt because there were no words that could adequately express how I felt, the words just don’t exist! I am very happy that my blog has made a difference in your life and hell, we all love a little ass kissing every now and then! :-D So thank you!