I have been pondering that very thing, am I happy? I think about the story I share at our concerts of Andrew when we were in hospital and him telling me that he was happy. This 16yo boy could say he was happy even though he was getting chemo shot into his spine twice a week, among catscans, MRI’s, x-rays, and other luekemia treatments,Â had mouth ulcerations so bad and painfulÂ that not only couldn’t he eat, he couldn’t swallow his own saliva, he had diarrhea, fevers, his hair fell out, nausea, needed his parents to help him pee and poop, needles being stuck in him at every turn,Â stuck in a hospital for who knows how long while his friends were homeÂ for summer vacation having funÂ and yet he toldÂ me he was happy.Â I think about all that when I am feeling sad and missing Andrew so much. How can I not be happy when he could be happy whileÂ going through all of that?! I feel guilty for feeling sad. My son could find joy and happiness even while going through the most horrendous of situations. He told me he was happy because he chose to be happy. WOW! What an example he has set for his parents! It’s a lot to live up to.
So while on my jog tonight, I was thinking, am I happy? I decided that yes, I think IÂ am happy. I am happier than most people that haven’t been through nearly the amount of trauma that what we have been through. But that’s not enough for someone who has raised an Avatar and had such an example on how to live a happy life no matterÂ what. That’s I realized, YES! I am happy. Am I the happiest person alive, NO! Not by a long stretch. But I am happy. I am happy to have had the honor to raise and be apart of such an amazing soul’s journey here and when he had to leave. I am happy to have the husband and life partner that I have and we shared all of this together. I am so happy to have a healthy daughter who is giving birth to my granddaughter in March. There are so many things I am happy about with my life that I’d have to say I am indeed happy.
I was wondering this because I have learned that tragedy,Â money or success will magnify who you are. So many people think, “I will be happy when I have a crap load of money. Money will solve ALL my problems!” Money will only magnify where you are, so unless you are happy where you are now, money will NOT make it better! Money will NOT make you happy! Only the people who thought money would solve all their problems who won the lottery say it ruined their life. If you are happy where you are now and came into a lot of money, then you would do quite well with a lot of money.
When Martin got the job last year that saved our house, I was correct, not having financial stress made grief a lot easier to deal with. It doesnt mean that Martin and I were miserable, we have stuck together and have enjoyed our time together through it all. Even with all the stress of finances, grief, people crapping on us, we were happy with each other and still laughed everyday. It just made us closer. AndÂ yes, people have tried to crap on our relationship, but those people just don’t realize how close Martin and I are. We share EVERYTHING! We are each others best friend bar none! Amazing what jealously will do to people.Â But that’s not really my problem, it’s theirs.
Being happy doesn’t meanÂ we never have down times, or that we don’t feel deep grief over Andrew’s leaving,Â it meansÂ we feel it andÂ move through it quicker is all.
I ponder this as Martin and I are getting ready to really put ourselves out there in a big way with our book coming out in February, one of Martin’s songs getting an award, and us speaking at a conference in April. If we do get out in the public eye in a big way, I can honestly say that Martin and I are very happy. We don’t pretend to be anything we are not. What you see is what you get. No smoke and mirrors. We are the real deal. AND we are happy! Even after all the trauma and devastation we have been through we are happy.Â Are you?
IT’S ALL GOOD!