“to let me know you’re here. All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere. I need to know that things are gonna look up ‘Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup.” (I know I feel like I am drowning.)

Yes, that is the first verse in Train’s song “Calling All Angels” or in this case “Calling 1 Avatar!” I told Andrew that time is running out for me. I am sick and tired of this nonsense! I am tired of feeling beat up!  And if things don’t start turning around for us soon, I AM OUTTA HERE! I’m tired of feeling like I’m wasting my time. After such a devastating loss, I am still willing to carry on with Andrew’s work. I don’t believe bussing tables is carrying on that work. After everything I have been through, after all the work Martin and I have done to get Andrew’s music and messages out there, I end up having to buss tables? AND it’s still not enough to get us by! REALLY? It all just seems like one big cruel cosmic joke! Well, I ain’t laughing!

So I told him I needed a HUGE sign to prove to me that I should stay here. Something that will let me know w/o a doubt that it is from him and all this crap does actually have a Higher Purpose. Because here we are now, going into foreclosure! SO not only do I get to lose my son’s physical presence, I may also lose the house he grew up in too!! WTF?? Losing a child, the gift that keeps on giving! We lose the house I am soooooo outta here! It’s the last straw! I dont have the energy for this! This dimension just loses it’s luster more each day for me.

So I am looking for my sign. As I was driving to Weight Watchers yesterday, (down 26.2 lbs now thank you very much, even that has been ridiculously hard, 20 mo to just get that much off,) I flip through the radio stations and hear one of my fav Black Eyed Peas song, you know the one, the famous flash mob dance on Oprah, “I Gotta Feeling.” I’m enjoying it as I got my windows in my car down. I hear the words “It’s gonna be a good good day” (yea, I know it’s night and not day) louder than the rest of the words in the song. I said to Andrew, nice, but I need something waaaay bigger than this dude! You’re an Avatar for crissakes! Surely you can do something much bigger!

Then the very next song comes on and it’s U2’s “Beautiful Day.” Nice, but no cigar Muck! Not even close! I knew he was sitting next to me in the car playing with me and he knows I ain’t playing with him! I’m DEAD serious! Show me the Higher Purpose! I need a sign! Gimme something to hold on to!

I told Martin what I demanded from Muck. Martin assures me that he will come through with a HUGE sign. I told him “He better because tic tock, tic tock Clairece!” lol (any Silence Of The Lambs fans out there?)
When I got home last night from work, Martin told me that Andrew had him playing guitar for a few hours. He’s about to give Martin another 8 songs. I said “great we have no way of producing a cd again.” Martin informs me that these will only be for download. I said, “well that won’t help back of the room sales.” But then again, we’d have to have a concert to do, in order to even have back of the room sales.

Martin said Andrew was sitting in my chair leaning on Martin’s desk with his head in his hands watching Martin play guitar. When Martin got up to leave the lair, the man cave, the office, he saw my chair go up like someone just got up off of it. He said it moved slowly like it would if I had been sitting in it. I thought that was cool, but not a HUGE sign!

So we shall see what PureHeart will pull off in giving me a HUGE sign. I mean, what’s the point in raising an Avatar if we have to sit here and suffer? At this point, it hasn’t been worth going through all of this crap. I’m slowly believing that there is no Higher Purpose in all of this. All I know is that I will NOT continue to live this way much longer. If I can’t thrive and only barely survive, I am NOT staying! I am done! I am so incredibly tired of everything being so hard! Dropping weight, menopause, grief, astral traveling, hearing and seeing Andrew, getting our concert out there, finding someone who can help us, trying to find a job. It took me over a year just to find a “getting my ass kicked” bussing job that still won’t help us get out of this hole! Seriously, how much am I expected to take before I crack? Well, I can tell you, not much more!

Martin said he is getting tired of tying knots in my etheric cord. LOL He said Andrew will pull on it when he’s trying to tie a knot in where I’ve chewed through it. LMAO I told him to stop it then! So apparently my etheric cord has a bunch of tiny knots in it. I’ll eventually wear Martin down OR things will start to get easier, either one is fine by me. Alls I know is something’s gotta give and if has to be me, then so be it. Once again I am on my knees begging for mercy. Will it work this time? It didn’t last time. Only time will tell. tic tock, tic tock, tic tock……

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7 Responses to I NEED A SIGN…

  1. Swati says:

    I am so sorry to read this. I had thought with Martin’s new job, the foreclosure wouldn’t happen. I would hate it too if you had to go in for a foreclosure. Losing the house where Andrew grew up will be so hard. I am praying something will come up and it doesn’t come to that! Can you rent out a portion of the house for a while? Or move into a small apartment and rent this house for a while till you are financially fine again? I don’t know…I’m just thinking here…anything to save your house.

  2. admin says:

    Martin just got the new job a week ago today and we had already received the papers 2 wks ago tomorrow. We have an attorney and as long as we file a petition within 20 days, we have a minimum of 15 months before they can do anything. We have been trying to get a remodification but we can’t get an answer from the mortgage comp. Our attorney has lots of ideas she sez. Sooooooo now w/Martin’s new job, we just might be able to pull something off!

    Like I said on FB somewhere, I had a “come to Jesus” talk w/Andrew that if things didnt change soon I’d be seeing Jesus! I just can’t take anymore of this constant crap! It has just sucked the life outta me! BUT Andrew pulled something off at the 11th hour on 11/11/2009=11!!!! I told him just because he’s on the Other Side, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to look after me anymore! He still has to take care of his Pretty Mama! He promised! Ok, he was younger when he did, but he meant it and I’m holding him to it! I mean really! What’s the point in doing a great job raising an Avatar if there are no perks just heartache???!!!!

    Sooooo I’m keepin my fingers, eyes and legs crossed that Martin’s new job keeps him very busy!

  3. Swati says:

    I’m keeping everything crossed too Connie…I hope all works out. No foreclosures for you. Not at all! I also hope you get a really fun job…if you are not enjoying the current one. You know Connie, I was thinking, bussing tables etc, while not as awesome as being a metaphysical comedian, it does serve one purpose….I see some of them…who are really good with talking to the people who are sitting at the tables. And somehow, the ones who do talk really good to people who sit there…they make a huge difference. They seem to act like human angels and removers of stress. Have you noticed that too when you are sitting there, and they talk nicely with you? I was wondering if you were placed in this job so you could help people with your ready wit and humor.

  4. admin says:

    I really don’t mind the job, it’s just the money sucks for the amount of work I do. It’s physically demanding and I ache afterward, I feel like an 85yo. I bust my hump for less than $200 a wk???  I work like a Mexican for Mexican $$! lol I run circles around the young guys! There’s only one that really works, he’s Mexican and he rocks!

    I do like to ‘mess’ with people. Like when I take a plate away I ask why they didn’t save me a bite OR if there is food left I say, “Oh goodie! You left me some!” I try to leave a little cheer at every table I go to. I’m actually going to see about serving at lunches instead because I don’t need to work now so why am I killing myself? I knew once I got a job, something would come thru for Martin and I wouldn’t need the job anymore and that is exactly what happened!

    I’m excited to have the financial burden lifted. What a relief! I was beginning to think that nothing good was ever going to happen for us again. I feel so much lighter now! This weird feeling I’ve been having I think is happiness! Haven’t felt it in so long I forgot what it felt like!

  5. Swati says:

    I am so happy to read this Connie! ((((((hugs))))))

  6. admin says:

    Thanks Swati! Me too! It is sooooo long over due! BUT what better day than 11/11/2009=11 at the 11th hour, for our lives to take a turn for the better!!! I’ll take it!

  7. Karen T says:

    I was so sad reading the blog, then I got to this last comment and smiled again. I am so happy that things are starting to turn around financially for you two. Money problems add such stress to everything else going on, and well, you have plenty on that plate!

    Hugs and love!!

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