I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!

That was one of Andrew’s and my songs by Shania Twain. Don’t ask me why, but it was. We use to sing it together in the car. I think Andrew sang it with me as a joke and it just stuck. It always seemed to come on when we were in the car.

Today when I got in my car to come home after working out with Elatia, that was the song on the radio. I could “see” Andrew in the seat beside me with that big grin of his, ready to sing “I feel like a woman!” I kept my eyes forward so I could see him better as we sang “our song” together.

After the song was over, I talked to him telling him that the break I got yesterday is the kind of break I need on a regular basis in order to deal with his leaving. Sitting around the house missing him isn’t going to cut it. I let him know that I can’t keep getting hit with nonsense and keep my focus on positive things. It gets to be to much and it makes it difficult to want to stay here. I mean why? If I am going to get hit at every turn with BS? It just isn’t fair! As I am telling him this, the tears are running down my face. I was so excited at the things that happened yesterday, I don’t want it to end! I want more! It was simple things that should be happening everyday anyway, like a conversation with an old friend, a gig coming through for Palm Desert, and Martin getting a few readings. I don’t think it is asking a lot to have more of that happening!

I was struggling so much yesterday before I got home from my workout, I cried on the way to the workout and on the way home before I got the good news. (we worked out yesterday too) To be honest, it has been feeling like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown! To the point I wasn’t trusting myself with anything. I have way the hell too much to deal with, like trying to keep our house now, with no break from the nonsense at all! There’s only so much I can take. I have been on the edge.

So as I am getting off the interstate today, continuing to tell Andrew that I was so grateful for yesterday and it needs to keep happening, the song “I Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty comes on. I laughed because that comes on every time I am in the car now and have the radio on and not a CD. I get it, but as Andrew even said in the hospital when he was first in, he couldn’t focus on healing because of the pain he was in. Well, neither can I! You have to have some relief first in order to be in a better frame of mind. I feel like I have been pummeled with bricks non stop for a year and a half. SO yea, it’s a little hard to be all positive most of the time when you feel so beat up! With any luck yesterday is the beginning of a reprieve from all the trauma I have had to deal with for the past 18 months!!!! Long may it reign!

IT’S ALL GOOD!