I have to admit I had a good pity party with myself last night. I sat in Andrew’s room and cried. I laid on his bed with his “Muckaruto” head band on and his camo shorts that he last wore, on my heart and cried. The wave hit me again that he was never going to be coming out of his room to say “good morning Pretty Mama! How’s it going?”, I would never see him sitting at his desk again on the computer twisting his hair (he got that from me) & look at me wit that big grin of his, or ever see him sleeping again in his new bed, which I’m still paying for you little shit! :-D
But I wasn’t done! The Mama Gene took a hold! I cried in bed with Martin last night as he talked me down & explained that I just need to move through this because this will only keep me further from Andrew. Martin noticed when he was in grief Andrew was more distant because the vibration is so low. SO if I really wanted to connect with him I would have to NOT stay in grief, move through it quickly so I could connect with him more which in turn will make episodes of grief less. The Law of Alchemy perhaps??
Not sure what happened this a.m. because I was laying in bed feeling numb for about an hour before I got up. But then the words that we always teach came flooding to me. Hmmmm wondering who was throwing them my way?? ;-) I CHOOSE the way I feel. I can choose to continue the pity party and get addicted to the grief or I can choose to be happy! What would Andrew do if he were here right now?? (singing the Brian Bortano song now from South Park now. Yea, that’s a sign from Andrew, he loved South Park. Even evolved souls have their down time I guess! LOL ) He would choose to be happy!
What better way to honor my son and who he is by choosing to be happy! To remember how blessed I am to have Andrew as a son! How blessed I am that he continues to touch people in deep and profound ways around the world!! How blessed I am that I have a wonderful, loving, husband and marriage and that we are going through this together! That my husband is a phenomenal medium, one of the best out there! Blessed that we will continue to work with Andrew! He has already shown us what we have in store as he got us 2 radio show gigs already!
SO why wouldn’t I choose to be happy??!! I have A LOT to be happy about as long as I stay focused and continue to know and feel the truth about Andrew and who he is now! Yes, I will always miss his physical presence! But if I play my cards right, it will get to a point where it won’t even feel like he’s even left! I just need to adjust to his new position in LIFE and be happy for him because he is so happy! He is finally getting to do ALL the things he knew he could do. He just couldn’t do them here. He knows he hasn’t left us, he just bumped up his vibration.
Andrew has ALWAYS been a healthy kid. Hadn’t been to a doctor in 12 yrs! To see him in the hospital is just so out of character for Andrew. Hospitals were never our life! My whole family has always been healthy! But of course he handled all this in true Andrew style! With Courage and Grace! The leukemia was only a way to start his life purpose is all. He effected an entire hospital for chrissakes!! That’s impressive!
When I think of him now it’s like we were never in the hospital! I only remember us around the house and doing our usual stuff. He looks the way he always did. When I see the pics I took in the hospital all I see is his amazing spirit! It shines brighter than his fuzzy wee head!! LOL Leukemia does NOT define who Andrew is! It was merely an experience we had, not a dis-ease he had. We never claimed that for him. It was NOT him! All it did was make him shine more!
SO today I choose to be HAPPY!
IT’S ALL GOOD! :-D