I have to admit I had a good pity party with myself last night. I sat in Andrew’s room and cried. I laid on his bed with his “Muckaruto” head band on and his camo shorts that he last wore, on my heart and cried. The wave hit me again that he was never going to be coming out of his room to say “good morning Pretty Mama! How’s it going?”, I would never see him sitting at his desk again on the computer twisting his hair (he got that from me) & look at me wit that big grin of his, or ever see him sleeping again in his new bed, which I’m still paying for you little shit! :-D

But I wasn’t done! The Mama Gene took a hold! I cried in bed with Martin last night as he talked me down & explained that I just need to move through this because this will only keep me further from Andrew. Martin noticed when he was in grief Andrew was more distant because the vibration is so low. SO if I really wanted to connect with him I would have to NOT stay in grief, move through it quickly so I could connect with him more which in turn will make episodes of grief less. The Law of Alchemy perhaps??

Not sure what happened this a.m. because I was laying in bed feeling numb for about an hour before I got up. But then the words that we always teach came flooding to me. Hmmmm wondering who was throwing them my way?? ;-) I CHOOSE the way I feel. I can choose to continue the pity party and get addicted to the grief or I can choose to be happy! What would Andrew do if he were here right now?? (singing the Brian Bortano song now from South Park now. Yea, that’s a sign from Andrew, he loved South Park. Even evolved souls have their down time I guess! LOL ) He would choose to be happy!

What better way to honor my son and who he is by choosing to be happy! To remember how blessed I am to have Andrew as a son! How blessed I am that he continues to touch people in deep and profound ways around the world!! How blessed I am that I have a wonderful, loving, husband and marriage and that we are going through this together! That my husband is a phenomenal medium, one of the best out there! Blessed that we will continue to work with Andrew! He has already shown us what we have in store as he got us 2 radio show gigs already!

SO why wouldn’t I choose to be happy??!! I have A LOT to be happy about as long as I stay focused and continue to know and feel the truth about Andrew and who he is now! Yes, I will always miss his physical presence! But if I play my cards right, it will get to a point where it won’t even feel like he’s even left! I just need to adjust to his new position in LIFE and be happy for him because he is so happy! He is finally getting to do ALL the things he knew he could do. He just couldn’t do them here. He knows he hasn’t left us, he just bumped up his vibration.

Andrew has ALWAYS been a healthy kid. Hadn’t been to a doctor in 12 yrs! To see him in the hospital is just so out of character for Andrew. Hospitals were never our life! My whole family has always been healthy! But of course he handled all this in true Andrew style! With Courage and Grace! The leukemia was only a way to start his life purpose is all. He effected an entire hospital for chrissakes!! That’s impressive!

When I think of him now it’s like we were never in the hospital! I only remember us around the house and doing our usual stuff. He looks the way he always did. When I see the pics I took in the hospital all I see is his amazing spirit! It shines brighter than his fuzzy wee head!! LOL Leukemia does NOT define who Andrew is! It was merely an experience we had, not a dis-ease he had. We never claimed that for him. It was NOT him! All it did was make him shine more!

SO today I choose to be HAPPY!


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6 Responses to I CHOOSE

  1. Swati says:

    You’re awesome to be strong enough to choose to be happy. But I also hope you don’t beat yourself up for grieving, crying, feeling sad. Nothing can replace the things you miss about the physical Andrew. True, you know in your heart, that he is more alive than us now. That he is more present with you now than before, now he knows you and hears you better than the physical Andrew did. However…we cannot beat ourselves up for missing the sweetness of physicality. I believe it is completely ok, perfect and healthy to let yourself grieve…and just move with the feelings. Not let the feelings take you over, but to work consciously with your grief, feel it to its fullest so that it goes away by itself. In my case I have seen that the more I fight a feeling or emotion, the greater it gets. When I flow with it without offering any resistance whatsoever, it somehow loses its sting. So pretty mama…you are being soooooooo brave by choosing to be happy. At the same time, I am hoping you will never beat yourself up for grieving whenever you do.

    Yep, its true that its hard to heard “them” when we are feeling low. Our vibrations are low then. However, trust Andrew, he’ll make sure you are never unable to hear him :-). Just like it happened now, you were lying in bed, numbed with grief. This is what you wrote:

    “Not sure what happened this a.m. because I was laying in bed feeling numb for about an hour before I got up. But then the words that we always teach came flooding to me. Hmmmm wondering who was throwing them my way??”

    Trust Andrew’s strength…it is stronger than grief. He came through to you and you couldn’t help but hear him. He will do it again, and again…and again…and forever.


  2. admin says:

    No worries Swati, I honor my feelings as they come up. I do know I don’t want to stay stuck in grief. It’s too much! I want to work on staying in the feeling of accepting Andrew’s new position. I have studied this stuff all of my life! I know he is around and working with us, talking to us. Karen Anderson had a conversation with him when she was here. He sat on my tread mill and talked to her. I want to be able to do that too!! The only way to do that is stay focused on him now and not the past.

    I know, easier said than done but I’m doing pretty good most of the time. It’s having a stalker like you, :-D a groupie like Denise :-D and everyone that has sent their love and support here and on the Angel board!

  3. Swati says:

    You know Connie, you will be able to do that easily. You are so connected to him, you have Martin to show you how, you are very psychic yourself, AND Andrew is going to make sure you ARE able to do what Karen did. You just wait and see. And Connie, in so many ways you are ALREADY doing it. I mean…look at all the lessons you have typed here for everyone. Wasn’t that channeling him?

    And just see what you have written in this answer…it looks like almost every time you type, you channel and type out some lesson. :-)

    “The only way to do that is stay focused on him now and not the past.”

    What you wrote above in that single sentence is such a powerful way to deal with “loss” and grief. Tell me…doesn’t it look like you are channeling him constantly?


  4. admin says:

    Ok Ok! Yes I do get messages from him! :-D Sometimes I feel such a pull of GET ON BLOG NOW! Must blog now! *Insert Frankenstein walk here* LOL I get concerned when I don’t feel anything but if I relax, breathe and wait, something is bound to come through. I have a topic for tomorrow, I wanted to make sure I’d have something to write about. When I do that, I usually get a few more things to write about….as you can well see. ;-)

    I don’t want to disappoint our fans! AND stalker! AND groupie! :-)

  5. Sue says:

    I totally feel Andrew communicates with you through this blog, Connie. I also got the feeling he’s there with you with water. Swimming, showering, jacuzzi-ing. He’s there.


  6. admin says:

    Uh oh better start wearing the swim suit again! LOL

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