Well, it’s that time again, I work on holding it together for as long as I can then it happens, I erupt. I can only hold it together for so long. I had done something tonight I hadn’t done in awhile, I watched the video of Andrew for the Beach Club benefit that’s on the media section here. It was too much to see my Muck with that big grin of his, talking and thanking everyone for all that they have done for us. I felt my loss to the very core of my being. I just wanted to hug him so tight! I wanted to kiss his fuzzy goodness. I wanted to feel his arms around me so desperately. And realizing it was never going to happen again this lifetime, well, it was just too much again. The wave hit me.

I made my way into my bedroom keeping the lights off. I fell onto my bed in the dark and just sobbed at the loss of my wee son. It was just to unbearable again and I needed to let it out. It’s the waves I have talked about. It’s been over 3 weeks.

I knew once I reached my bed with my tears and snotters that Andrew was in the process of telling on me and indeed he was! Little bastard!! Next thing I hear is the door to the office opening and Martin clip clopping out. DAMMIT! Maybe I’ll be lucky enough and he’s going outside to smoke. Nope! No such luck! The little shit told on me! He is soooooo in trouble when I get over there!

I hear the clip clop of Martin’s sandals coming closer and closer, I quickly lay in my bed like I didn’t just calapse there in a crying fit. Then the hall light comes on in our room. Dammit! There’s no way round me being found out. Martin comes over to me in bed and asks me how I’m doing. I’m thinking, “Hey! You’re Psychic Boy! You figure it out!” But I didn’t say it, I knew he had already figured it out. Mr. Big Mouth on the Other Side already told him! Martin was minding his own bees wax and was on W.O.W talking to another one of Andrew’s friends when he gets the word, “Go to the mommy!” So Martin had to tell Pat that he had to go and off Martin went to find out what Andrew was talking about.

SO what does Martin and Andrew do then? What any loving husband and son would do with a mother grieving the physical loss of her son, made fun of me! That’s right! They made fun of me! SO in between the tears and snotters, I was laughing! Martin said I can’t help him teach the teleclass now, I have to take it! Well, can’t really argue with him on that now can I?

So no matter how much I try and run and have my missing Muck moments, I can NOT hide! Andrew tells on me every single time!

On the upside he did do something new! We finally got our pool looking decent with a bunch of chlorine so I put the light in the pool on the other night. Last night it was Andrew who turned it on. And yesterday while I was lying on the couch I heard in a whisper, “Mommy” I know it wasn’t just the wind because I felt all light headed and tinglely. That was very exciting for me.

Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to I CAN RUN BUT I CAN’T HIDE

  1. Here is the finished poem, I hope you like it!

    A word unspoken, a deed undone; there is nothing like losing a son.
    A Fathers need; mothers despair there isn’t a word that could keep us here.
    A battle to be fought of despair & naught.
    A word unspoken, a deed undone; there is nothing like losing a son.

    The despair is deep & the pain surreal, what are we suppose to feel?
    The glare of the sun brings a new wave; the grief is too heavy to carry this day.
    We look threw to the place that was you, and still your smile shines through.
    A word unspoken, a deed undone; there is nothing like losing a son.

    The sun still shines day after day your physical presence we wish had stayed.
    The clouds hover near; and we learn a new way; to feel the smile in the rain.
    To hear the laughter in the silence, that deafens with each passing mile.
    A word unspoken, a deed undone; there is nothing like losing a son.

    You learn a new way to deal with the pain; to bring a smile to your face.
    You find a new grace in this uncertain place & still the pain can overtake.
    You let go, you hold on in a space that doesn’t have your grace!
    A word unspoken, a deed undone; there is nothing like losing a son.

  2. kimberley says:

    I’m so glad your seeing and hearing Andrew!
    Of course he “tells” on you because, he Loves his Pretty Mama, so much. He doesn’t want her crying all by herself and he made the three of you have a laugh, so much better for his Mama’s heart.
    I got to listen to the teleclass today, it is GREAT. Looking forward to learning the PureHeart method and the new info. coming in, very exciting.

  3. admin says:

    Yea, I know Kimberly, my men are so good to me! Martin is always saying to let him know if I am having a hard time, but if I did that, he wouldn’t have anytime to work!! LOL Martin is looking forward to teaching the Pure Heart Method. We are looking forward to a time wen he can teach it full time with Andrew.

    Tammy, thank you for taking the time to write the poem, but I do have to say that the one thing we did not have with Andrew was an unspoken word, or a deed undone. We wouldn’t let that happen. While this journey is incredibly hard, we still find more joy than sorrow. Andrew wouldn’t have it any other away. He sees to that for sho! :-D

  4. You misssed it, :0( it isn’t that YOU had a word unspoken or a deed undone….it’s that those things can’t compare to losing a child!! And no matter how you try to “walk” your talk, you still need to find ways to deal with the new circumstances!!! My Mom may not be a child that I lost, but I have had to learn to live without her here & still communicate with her on the other side!! :0) If it isn’t easy for me, I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you guys!!
    P.S. I am getting rid of the cats; so u can breathe while you are here!
    Love you!

  5. Leo says:

    Hugs!!!!! I’m so glad thatMartin can be such a loving husband to you and that he is right there for you to melt into his arms. And God bless all of you for your unique humor that heals yourselves and others!

  6. admin says:

    Thank you Leo!! It is our humor that gets us through w/o a doubt! This is the first time in my life that I just can’t be the strong one. It’s just not in me. This event was waaay to much for me to be the strong one. Martin jumped at the chance to be my rock. AND a fine job he has done.

    Tammy, r u new?? Me miss the point? How odd! LOL I’m missing a lot of points of late! My bad! YAY to the kitties!! I hope we can come out and work sooner than Oct! Now I feel obligated to come out real soon since you got rid of the cats. Ahhhh I see, I am unraveling your diabolical plan of getting us out there! As soon as I hear from the metaphysical church here, I’ll see about booking a show in So-Cal somewhere as soon as I can AND one for Oct too! :-D Keep your fingers and eyes crossed!

  7. Leila says:

    ((((Connie)))) more hugs and waves of love.

  8. DAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNN, my diabolical plan has been BUSTED!!!! The sooner you guys get out here…the BETTER!!!! You are not obligated, just wanted!!!

    My fingers will stay crossed; but the eyes I have to use to drive….unless you want me driving like Martin????


  9. Pretty Mama says:

    It’s going to be so weird not watching Deadliest Catch’s new season from your house. We’ve been there the last 2 years watching it! I saw the trailer for it and said to Martin, “Isn’t it suppose to be time for us to be in Laguna again?” lol If we could come out ASAP we certainly would! You know that one! It’s starting to get hot and muggie here already. arrrrgggg!

  10. It is going to be strange…even stranger we have traditions started!!! Who would of thunked THAT!!!! I’ll put in a call & see if I can postpone the premier…or I can tape the season & you can watch it when you get here.. & not watch it when it actually starts!!! hehehehe!!


  11. Leila says:


    Where are you??????

    More Love & hugs sent your way!

  12. admin says:

    Here I am Leila *jumpin up and down & waving! takes love and hugs* I do have another blog for tonight! I’ve been in a weird mood dealing with things and I figured I’d give everyone a break here.

    Oh Tammikins, if you’d like us out sooner, here’s what you can do……and this goes for anybody who wants us to come to their area. Find us a metaphysical church we can work with to perform at.

  13. Leila says:

    Connie, you ARE my break! :-)

    Now I’m off to read the new post

    Thanks and abundant blessings!



  14. Karen T. says:

    Andrew is sooo awesome to look out for you like that. And Martin being YOUR rock made me smile. I don’t know you that well yet, but imagine from what I do know that he hasn’t gotten that chance very often. :)

    Hugs to you!

  15. Pretty Mama says:

    You would be right Karen, Martin hasn’t had that chance often. It’s been me that has been the rock for my family all these years. It’s been me standing strong and helping Elatia and Martin get on their true path of who they really are. Let me tell ya, they had me work my ass off too! But this?? This situation? I just couldn’t do it. My ‘rockness’ has been stomped on, crushed and turned to rubble with Andrew’s ascension. Who am I kidding, it’s been since his diagnosis. Where my extended family wouldn’t give me the space to be the grieving mother, my husband has and that’s all that really matters anyway! Because if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be here now.

Leave a Reply