Well, it’s that time again, I work on holding it together for as long as I can then it happens, I erupt. I can only hold it together for so long. I had done something tonight I hadn’t done in awhile, I watched the video of Andrew for the Beach Club benefit that’s on the media section here. It was too much to see my Muck with that big grin of his, talking and thanking everyone for all that they have done for us. I felt my loss to the very core of my being. I just wanted to hug him so tight! I wanted to kiss his fuzzy goodness. I wanted to feel his arms around me so desperately. And realizing it was never going to happen again this lifetime, well, it was just too much again. The wave hit me.
I made my way into my bedroom keeping the lights off. I fell onto my bed in the dark and just sobbed at the loss of my wee son. It was just to unbearable again and I needed to let it out. It’s the waves I have talked about. It’s been over 3 weeks.
I knew once I reached my bed with my tears and snotters that Andrew was in the process of telling on me and indeed he was! Little bastard!! Next thing I hear is the door to the office opening and Martin clip clopping out. DAMMIT! Maybe I’ll be lucky enough and he’s going outside to smoke. Nope! No such luck! The little shit told on me! He is soooooo in trouble when I get over there!
I hear the clip clop of Martin’s sandals coming closer and closer, I quickly lay in my bed like I didn’t just calapse there in a crying fit. Then the hall light comes on in our room. Dammit! There’s no way round me being found out. Martin comes over to me in bed and asks me how I’m doing. I’m thinking, “Hey! You’re Psychic Boy! You figure it out!” But I didn’t say it, I knew he had already figured it out. Mr. Big Mouth on the Other Side already told him! Martin was minding his own bees wax and was on W.O.W talking to another one of Andrew’s friends when he gets the word, “Go to the mommy!” So Martin had to tell Pat that he had to go and off Martin went to find out what Andrew was talking about.
SO what does Martin and Andrew do then? What any loving husband and son would do with a mother grieving the physical loss of her son, made fun of me! That’s right! They made fun of me! SO in between the tears and snotters, I was laughing! Martin said I can’t help him teach the teleclass now, I have to take it! Well, can’t really argue with him on that now can I?
So no matter how much I try and run and have my missing Muck moments, I can NOT hide! Andrew tells on me every single time!
On the upside he did do something new! We finally got our pool looking decent with a bunch of chlorine so I put the light in the pool on the other night. Last night it was Andrew who turned it on. And yesterday while I was lying on the couch I heard in a whisper, “Mommy” I know it wasn’t just the wind because I felt all light headed and tinglely. That was very exciting for me.
IT’S STILL ALL GOOD!