The past few days I’ve been a struggling. Leah saw me yesterday and can attest to my state of mind. I was on the verge of crying all day! Who am kidding?? There was no verge! I was! I was weepy at the drop of a hat!
The thought of not being able to hug my Muck again, or hear his sweet voice call me Pretty Mama and ask me how I’m doing. Or any of the countless things I would no longer have with him physically again, was just too much to bear yet again. Andrew and I did so much much together! He ran errands with me, went grocery shopping with me, carried my groceries, helped around the house, we had lunch dates. All the kisses and hugs I would no longer get from him. He gave those out willy nilly to us! He was always hugging and kissing Martin and I. What are we suppose to do now??
I spent most of the day weeping on Friday. We were late meeting Leah Saturday because of my melt down! When Martin went to help me, he ended up having a melt down too before we left to go to see Leah.
It’s all apart of the process when missing someone so close to you I guess. I don’t care how much of a Light Worker you are, or a medium, when you lose a child physically, you are going to miss them terribly! Especially a “child” (he was more than that!) like Andrew. He was our life! We are the 3 amigos. He is such a bright Light! Just like our Uncle Christy and Steve Irwin! Andrew is in their league. He effected people in such a positive way. The same way those 2 did. It’s very powerful! SO the physical loss is beyond comprehension! I know Terri is able to keep going because she is carrying on Steve’s mission and she has that to focus on plus her kids. We are still waiting for our orders of the mission we are suppose to be carrying out. Once we have that, then things will be a bit easier. We’ll have that to focus on and no so much our physical loss.
This is so hard because he didn’t pull away from us like most teenagers. He loved being around us at 16! He was even willing to blow off his friends Cory & CJ last year at Halloween when he heard that no parents were allowed to go out with them because he and I ALWAYS did Halloween together! I couldn’t believe he was willing to do that for me! I told him to go out with them because I would be in the neighborhood with their little 3 yr. old brother Cameron. I thought me and Cameron had a “thing” but he had a girlfriend in his preschool class and he had no problem telling me about her either! Yea, but was she there this year at Halloween? NO! It was me again! Preschoolers are so fickle! LOL
I’m guessing I will be having these “moments” for the rest of my life and that’s ok. Just like when I realized I would have “moments” of healing about events from my childhood probably for the rest of my life. I learned a long time ago, in my 20’s, that some things are just a life long healing process & I heal quicker now with these moments the more I learn & become enlightened.
I was feeling a bit better today. I took my supplement, Alert, by Starlight, a company I have been with since 1995. Alert is for quiet subtle energy. Andrew was taking it when he was younger to help him focus in school. It has adaptagens, so it either gives you energy or brings you down to focus, which Andrew needed when he was younger, you know, being ADD and all! *rolls eyes.* Whatever!
It helped give me energy today plus elevated my mood. *doing happy dance* Wasn’t expecting that. The “Ideas” which is made as a mood elevator is suppose to do that, which I have none of. I have a call into a friend who should be able to score the supplement “Ideas” for me. I need some NATURAL help! I don’t do the prescript stuff! I don’t need band aides! I need REAL healing! Not cover ups!
Martin and I were in Andrew’s room organizing his game systems to make his room a “gamer” room. Now remember, I said organizing, NOT going through and getting rid of. That won’t be happening for quite awhile. We don’t want to get all crazy now! Now do we?
Andrew told Martin that that’s what he wants his room to be used for. Not just a shrine to him, which we can still do that mind you, ;-) but also the “game room.” We were saying how Wesley would be a huge help because he knew where Andrew kept stuff and probably most of his passwords.
Next thing we know there is a knock at the door! It was Wesley! Coincidence? I think NOT! Andrew got the word to Wesley. And Wesley thinks he doesn’t get messages! He’s more tuned in than he knows!
We were right! Wesley did know where certain things were and passwords we were looking for! Kewl! He was a HUGE help in organizing his room. He helped with all the wiring Andrew had for the computer and game boxes. I mean the Muck was really hooked up! Martin couldn’t believe it! He was shocked to learn that Andrew was indeed paying attention to what Martin was telling him! Martin was amazed because Andrew never took notes on how to do the electrical hook ups! And the boy was hooked up! 2 TV’s WITH cable, and computer plus what ever game box he wanted. Game Cube, PlayStation2, XBox, SNES, ect. The boy was indefinitely hooked up!
Then something interesting happened when Wesley went back to his Grandma’s to get Andrew’s PS2. Merlin had a fit! A fit that he use to have when Andrew would leave to go to Wesley’s! Merlin jumped on Wesley, barked, pulled on his shorts, then ran to the back door when he left! It was a major dejavu moment. Andrew couldn’t leave the house without Merlin having a fit. And apparently neither can Wesley now! It was feeling more normal again!
I was then inspired to clean up the spare room, Elatia’s old room. A lot of Andrew’s medical stuff was in there. I felt ok the whole day while putting away his medical stuff and taking all the stuff out of his room having to do with his celebration service & illness. We don’t want that stuff in his room. Leukemia DOES NOT define my son! It’s not who he is! It was just a vehicle to finish his purpose here & to be even closer to us before he had to leave. He’s a good child to be willing to go through what he did for us! I know he felt blessed through it all, as do we.
I took all the cards for “Get Well Soon” to “Sorry About Your Loss” plus his “Big Book” with all his medical info given to us from the beginning. His chemo “road maps” as they call it. His blood test reports every morning & general info what to expect when dealing with aml leukemia. Ha ha ha! Joke on us! Huh? And put them in a trunk in our room.
Now his room is just about him and who he truly is! The things he loved. We’re not done yet tho! We’ll be adding things that he loved as we come across them. Like a Buddha poster and any John Denver things we may find. Plus dragons and crystals. It is a peaceful room anyway. His energy is all over it! Martin sees him walking around in his room. He loves his room, always has. Now it will be a place for others to meditate or play the games he loved.
Wesley was playing one of the war games today. Martin and I were in the living room and loving hearing sound coming out of Andrew’s room. Martin asked if we were being selfish. Really? I told him it’s a win win situation! Wesley gets what he wants and so do we! Duh! Then I did something I’m sure Wesley thought would NEVER happen! I went in and asked if he minded if I turned the game UP! Never thought I would say it either! But I wanted to hear something come from Andrew’s room! *wipes tears* The silence has been too loud lately! Go figure!
So while today was doing a bit of organizing since Andrew is gone physically, Wesley helped ease the pain. I think we are helping each other deal with our loss. He plays the games and brings life to Andrew’s room and I make him Raman Noodles. Fair exchange of energy if you ask me. Him and Andrew would eat Raman Noodles all of the time. We had bought Andrew a bunch of it while in the hospital. I gave some of it to Wesley. I know it means a lot to him.
So that’s where I’ve been these past few days, crying and organizing. New Year’s is ending up being harder for me than Christmas. Who knew? BUT…..
IT’S ALL GOOD!
BTW: The dragon is still on the chair like Andrew left it on Christmas morning. It does move a little back and forth on the pillow tho just ever so slightly. ;-)
Connie, I check the blog several times a day and worried not seeing a little something yesterday and today.. I am so sorry for your pain. You
are on the right track with your closeness to Andrew. Take one day at
a time, and let tomorrow worry about it self.. I dont think for one minute
I could be as strong as you and Martin have been. Please know, our prayers are with you as you start a New Year. With so much in your future,
it appears your pain will be less as time passes. Take Care and know your
friends are a phone call away..
Thank you Jeanette! It is much appreciated! Wasn’t sure if anyone was still tuning in except for only the 3 or 4 people who respond regularly. I figured since Andrew ascended, the interest in our journey has waned. SO thank you!
Yes !!!! you know we are just a phone call away, I was starting to get worried
I totally agree with what Jeannette said that you are right on track with your feelings, giving the closeness that your family shared. I know this is a fact as I saw your closeness knit ties quite often with all of you.
Grief I know is a layered process. Yours and Martin’s strength through each of these layers astounds me. And to go through and organize Andrew’s things is a great opportunity to go through one of those many layers.
What a “Heavenly” gift to have Wesley at your side while doing this today. Though there may not be as many postings right now, which I am sure is due holiday commitments, please know that you are supported, prayers and love being sent for you and Martin always. :-)
My voice is finally coming back, so I will give you early this week. Hugs….Karen
Sending you many hugs. I should have guessed you were not feeling quite up to it because you were not writing your blog. But I also thought it is the year end…you must be busy with something or the other. I was going to give it another day or two and then was going to do my stalkers job in demanding where you disappeared! :-)
Connie…the interest hasn’t waned. And thats because we are interested in you..in knowing how you are doing…and we are here because we want to be there for you.
What you are going through is natural…lightworker or no lightworker. You’re absolutely right about that. You’re a mum. Losing your son, you buddy physically is big. We know there is no such thing as death…but whatever it is…ascension, transformation, the fact is that we are physical right now, and missing that physicality is big. That is why I wish for THAT kind of clairvoyance so much. The kind where you can actually see with your physical eyes…and not just in the mind’s eye. But I think we will get there too eventually. And with Martin helping you, you should make big leaps in this area.
I am so glad Wesley is with you. Thank God for him.
I pray for you everyday. I send you love everyday. I don’t know if you feel it or not, but I do this routine at least 3-4 times a day. Even if I try to step into your experience it shakes me up. I am happy you are allowing yourself to grieve. Move through it Connie. Let it run its course. This healing phase of grieving combined with your spiritual knowledge of the process is awesome. You are awesome. Just as Andrew would say, “AWEOME!”.
Hugs, love and more hugs,
Connie – I’ve been thinking about you guys so much since Saturday. I kept checking to see if you’d written anything but I didn’t realize nagging was a sign of caring! I’ll remember that for next time… LMAO! I was reading the blog this morning in between waiting for the skillet to warm up so I could cook eggs mixed in my new Magic Bullet! LOL I was visualizing what you were talking about doing yesterday, feeling grateful for Wesley’s presence in your lives, and a thought occurred to me. WHO is the Avatar? Andrew, right? So it is perfectly natural, normal, etc. for you to go through the natural, normal grieving process because you’re human! And smack me if you want to (and you know you do), but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that NOT experiencing the normal grief process will make this WHOLE process take longer! So cry! Scream! Beat pillows! Allow that energy to flow THROUGH you, and much like Andrew’s chemo – your soul will process what it needs and release the rest with grace and ease! Trust me, we are NOT going to think less of you. We love you, we support you, and we are WITH YOU ON THIS JOURNEY EVERY STEP OF THE WAY! Just TRY to get rid of us now! LOL! We are your faithful stalkers… we’re not worthy… we’re not worthy… :)
Thank you everyone for posting! Reading the posts here really help me get through MY day now! Tables have turned! I look forward to YOUR POSTS!
To be honest I haven’t been busy with any holiday planning. Just roaming the house not sure what to write. Wasn’t even sure if we were going to do anything for New Years. I think we will go to the Rover to be with people who love us and have been so supportive of us during all of this. We feel safe there. Plus Elatia can stop by after work & we can spend it together. Martin will be able to play as well on stage.
I will be back later cause I have more to write about. But now I have to go and hose my self down (shower) and take my Alert so I don’t slide backwards again.
(((((((HUGS))))))) to you all!
Yeah! What Leah said! Nobody is going think any less of you if you cry, beat up the pillow, or even tear it into bits and pieces. Yep, ANDREW is the avatar…not you. You are human like us, even though you are a delightfully strong and wise human :). But you know, even delightful, strong and wise mums need to cry and let the grieving process take place in its completeness. You know Andrew won’t think any less of you either. Even with tears and snot flowing down your face, you will still be his PRETTY MAMA! So let the snot and tears flow. Let them out and let them go. And after each crying session have a good heart to heart talk with Andrew. Andrew…please let your mum cry. Hug her and hold her while she cries. We humans need that process to complete.
You know I dreamt of you last night Connie. I dreamt that you bought a big and beautiful house near mine, worth 5 million dollars! Woooohoooo!! It had a nice community center near it, and I was telling you that you guys could do your workshops there.
Huge hugs Connie! I am here on the blog and forum every day, sometimes more than once a day. I am only a little ways away here in town (Bee Ridge and Cattleman) if ever you need someone to do something for you or just to listen or have a cup of tea with…of course, Aly and Zach are in tow, but given notice, I can be alone. I feel the need sometimes to call you, but we are such new friends, I’m not sure what I would say to help. I always talk myself out of calling or emailing thinking you need your space right now…trying not to be a stalker too. LOL. I wear my green bracelet non-stop to remind me to stay positive and light in the stresses of life because it really is “all good”. But it also keeps you and Martin in my thoughts always too. Know that at any given moment, one of us here is thinking about you and sending love, strength and healing energy! And huge thank you’s too!!
Aww, come on, Karen – YOU can be a stalker too!!! Swati – make sure Karen gets a T-shirt and learns the secret handshake. ;)
Absolutely! Karen, come on over and join all the stalkers here! LOL!! I’ll make the special T-shirt for you and teach you the secret Connie-stalkers handshake too like us all ;).
Connnniiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!! Come on over and buy that 5 million bucks house!
Ooooo in a heart beat I would love to buy a 5 mill house in Cali Swati! Hear that Muck!
There’s a secret handshake too! Hey I didn’t even know there was a secret stalker handshake!
Let’s “do lunch” soon Karen T! Kids and all! :-D
Karen A let me know when ur available & I’ll be there by the phone!
Thank you all for being here and supporting me through the hardest thing a mother could ever go through! Coming here and having you all here to chat with has been a tremendous help!!
I also come to your blog often! Even though I do not post as often, please know that your words do touch my heart.
My “human heart” has been touched often by your words. My physical eyes have shed tears often reading your posts. Your journey inspires me. Thank you for sharing it. I know that many others (hundreds… thousands… maybe millions) will also be touched by your words as you share your experience. You will touch their hearts, expand their minds, and inspire them as well!
My soul and divine heart sees your strength, courage, love and wisdom. You are beautiful beyond description. Thank you again for sharing your beingness with us in this world.
Love, from my heart to yours,
(((((((Dumari,))))))) your words touch me deeply. It helps to keep me going knowing that what I’m writing is making a difference. Sometimes it’s hard for me to see beyond my grief and having people like you on the outside looking in and describing what you see really helps!
I can’t thank you enough for your love, kindness, and generosity!
In Grace and Gratitude!
Much Love, COnnie
I thought of you often over the holidays. And of course it must be very diffucult for you. No matter how much you understand spiritually, there has still been a physical loss of your child.
I never met Andrew in person. But I have to tell you when I come to your board here, I quickly click on something so I won’t see the picture of You and Andrew hugging. It makes me cry every time. So I can only imagine how many teary moments there are for you.
It’s Ok to cry. It’s your very wonderful Mama genes!
Asking the angels to surround you in their wings and lift the heaviness in your heart.
Sending love and hugs,
Nancy Lennon. ATP