The past few days I’ve been a struggling. Leah saw me yesterday and can attest to my state of mind. I was on the verge of crying all day! Who am kidding?? There was no verge! I was! I was weepy at the drop of a hat!
The thought of not being able to hug my Muck again, or hear his sweet voice call me Pretty Mama and ask me how I’m doing. Or any of the countless things I would no longer have with him physically again, was just too much to bear yet again. Andrew and I did so much much together! He ran errands with me, went grocery shopping with me, carried my groceries, helped around the house, we had lunch dates. All the kisses and hugs I would no longer get from him. He gave those out willy nilly to us! He was always hugging and kissing Martin and I. What are we suppose to do now??
I spent most of the day weeping on Friday. We were late meeting Leah Saturday because of my melt down! When Martin went to help me, he ended up having a melt down too before we left to go to see Leah.
It’s all apart of the process when missing someone so close to you I guess. I don’t care how much of a Light Worker you are, or a medium, when you lose a child physically, you are going to miss them terribly! Especially a “child” (he was more than that!) like Andrew. He was our life! We are the 3 amigos. He is such a bright Light! Just like our Uncle Christy and Steve Irwin! Andrew is in their league. He effected people in such a positive way. The same way those 2 did. It’s very powerful! SO the physical loss is beyond comprehension! I know Terri is able to keep going because she is carrying on Steve’s mission and she has that to focus on plus her kids. We are still waiting for our orders of the mission we are suppose to be carrying out. Once we have that, then things will be a bit easier. We’ll have that to focus on and no so much our physical loss.
This is so hard because he didn’t pull away from us like most teenagers. He loved being around us at 16! He was even willing to blow off his friends Cory & CJ last year at Halloween when he heard that no parents were allowed to go out with them because he and I ALWAYS did Halloween together! I couldn’t believe he was willing to do that for me! I told him to go out with them because I would be in the neighborhood with their little 3 yr. old brother Cameron. I thought me and Cameron had a “thing” but he had a girlfriend in his preschool class and he had no problem telling me about her either! Yea, but was she there this year at Halloween? NO! It was me again! Preschoolers are so fickle! LOL
I’m guessing I will be having these “moments” for the rest of my life and that’s ok. Just like when I realized I would have “moments” of healing about events from my childhood probably for the rest of my life. I learned a long time ago, in my 20’s, that some things are just a life long healing process & I heal quicker now with these moments the more I learn & become enlightened.
I was feeling a bit better today. I took my supplement, Alert, by Starlight, a company I have been with since 1995. Alert is for quiet subtle energy. Andrew was taking it when he was younger to help him focus in school. It has adaptagens, so it either gives you energy or brings you down to focus, which Andrew needed when he was younger, you know, being ADD and all! *rolls eyes.* Whatever!
It helped give me energy today plus elevated my mood. *doing happy dance* Wasn’t expecting that. The “Ideas” which is made as a mood elevator is suppose to do that, which I have none of. I have a call into a friend who should be able to score the supplement “Ideas” for me. I need some NATURAL help! I don’t do the prescript stuff! I don’t need band aides! I need REAL healing! Not cover ups!
Martin and I were in Andrew’s room organizing his game systems to make his room a “gamer” room. Now remember, I said organizing, NOT going through and getting rid of. That won’t be happening for quite awhile. We don’t want to get all crazy now! Now do we?
Andrew told Martin that that’s what he wants his room to be used for. Not just a shrine to him, which we can still do that mind you, ;-) but also the “game room.” We were saying how Wesley would be a huge help because he knew where Andrew kept stuff and probably most of his passwords.
Next thing we know there is a knock at the door! It was Wesley! Coincidence? I think NOT! Andrew got the word to Wesley. And Wesley thinks he doesn’t get messages! He’s more tuned in than he knows!
We were right! Wesley did know where certain things were and passwords we were looking for! Kewl! He was a HUGE help in organizing his room. He helped with all the wiring Andrew had for the computer and game boxes. I mean the Muck was really hooked up! Martin couldn’t believe it! He was shocked to learn that Andrew was indeed paying attention to what Martin was telling him! Martin was amazed because Andrew never took notes on how to do the electrical hook ups! And the boy was hooked up! 2 TV’s WITH cable, and computer plus what ever game box he wanted. Game Cube, PlayStation2, XBox, SNES, ect. The boy was indefinitely hooked up!
Then something interesting happened when Wesley went back to his Grandma’s to get Andrew’s PS2. Merlin had a fit! A fit that he use to have when Andrew would leave to go to Wesley’s! Merlin jumped on Wesley, barked, pulled on his shorts, then ran to the back door when he left! It was a major dejavu moment. Andrew couldn’t leave the house without Merlin having a fit. And apparently neither can Wesley now! It was feeling more normal again!
I was then inspired to clean up the spare room, Elatia’s old room. A lot of Andrew’s medical stuff was in there. I felt ok the whole day while putting away his medical stuff and taking all the stuff out of his room having to do with his celebration service & illness. We don’t want that stuff in his room. Leukemia DOES NOT define my son! It’s not who he is! It was just a vehicle to finish his purpose here & to be even closer to us before he had to leave. He’s a good child to be willing to go through what he did for us! I know he felt blessed through it all, as do we.
I took all the cards for “Get Well Soon” to “Sorry About Your Loss” plus his “Big Book” with all his medical info given to us from the beginning. His chemo “road maps” as they call it. His blood test reports every morning & general info what to expect when dealing with aml leukemia. Ha ha ha! Joke on us! Huh? And put them in a trunk in our room.
Now his room is just about him and who he truly is! The things he loved. We’re not done yet tho! We’ll be adding things that he loved as we come across them. Like a Buddha poster and any John Denver things we may find. Plus dragons and crystals. It is a peaceful room anyway. His energy is all over it! Martin sees him walking around in his room. He loves his room, always has. Now it will be a place for others to meditate or play the games he loved.
Wesley was playing one of the war games today. Martin and I were in the living room and loving hearing sound coming out of Andrew’s room. Martin asked if we were being selfish. Really? I told him it’s a win win situation! Wesley gets what he wants and so do we! Duh! Then I did something I’m sure Wesley thought would NEVER happen! I went in and asked if he minded if I turned the game UP! Never thought I would say it either! But I wanted to hear something come from Andrew’s room! *wipes tears* The silence has been too loud lately! Go figure!
So while today was doing a bit of organizing since Andrew is gone physically, Wesley helped ease the pain. I think we are helping each other deal with our loss. He plays the games and brings life to Andrew’s room and I make him Raman Noodles. Fair exchange of energy if you ask me. Him and Andrew would eat Raman Noodles all of the time. We had bought Andrew a bunch of it while in the hospital. I gave some of it to Wesley. I know it means a lot to him.
So that’s where I’ve been these past few days, crying and organizing. New Year’s is ending up being harder for me than Christmas. Who knew? BUT…..
IT’S ALL GOOD!
BTW: The dragon is still on the chair like Andrew left it on Christmas morning. It does move a little back and forth on the pillow tho just ever so slightly. ;-)