I think Andrew and John Edward are in cahoots! Honest to Goddess they must be! Even though it was an episode of Cross Country I had already seen not that long ago, it was good to see it again. It was a good reminder on several different points.
The first point being that our journey with Andrew through leukemia, there was something much bigger at work. Much bigger than any of us. There was a mother on the show that lost her 15yo son David, to leukemia. He was diagnosed at 11yo. She said after he left she wondered if she made any wrong decisions about his treatment. You can’t help but wonder when you have to make life and death decisions EVERYDAY! She said that there was always some big decision to make about her son’s treatment and you wonder if you made the right ones after they cross, the “what if’s.” Martin and I discussed it last night. He said he had wondered if he made the right decisions in the hospital. Martin said there were so many decisions to make every day Andrew was in the hospital. That is why I had to take the night shift. It was way to overwhelming for me to handle during the day. Andrew took Martin on a few journeys after he crossed to help Martin process everything and to show him that all was in Divine order.
Then the woman went on to say that when you look at the big picture, you just know that there is something bigger at play here. Things go the way they need to go, the way they are suppose to go, especially when you are present in the situation and hold up your end of the deal and did everything within your power. It was good to hear that validation.
At the same time she also said that they did not celebrate the holidays after David crossed. It was 18 months at the time of taping. Another family that lost their 20yo son due to a motorcycle accident, hadn’t celebrated the holidays either since their son left. For me, not celebrating the holidays is like acknowledging Andrew isn’t here anymore. I can’t do that. I won’t do that. I want to continue the traditions we started with Andrew because it makes me feel closer to him. I am NOT willing to accept that he not here. His physical presence may not be, but the very essence of who he is, is here. Yes, it’s hard letting go of the physical part of him, it was so very strong in our lives. It’s forcing to me look beyond the 3rd dimension even more now and opening up to what is really real and this dimension isn’t the real deal, this is just temporary. To also see the endless possibilities. It’s me that has to bump it up a few notches vibrational wise to communicate more with Andrew. Do I have the joy I use to have for the holidays? No, not yet. But I probably will when I’m out there doing what I love and not just sitting around the house missing Andrew.
The father of the 20yo talked about the loneliness even though he has a close relationship with his wife. I understood that too, way more than I would like to admit. It’s the loneliness that is hard to deal with. Again, it was nice to hear from someone I don’t even know, that they feel the same way as I do.
John talked about the 2nd year of not having their son’s there was the hardest. I know I have mentioned this before. But I think it needs to be said again and stressed to anyone who may know someone going through this. John gave a list of things to help the grieving parents and for those who care about them, to understand what they can do or how to be with the grieving parents. I will list them here. I think people tend to forget just how deep the sorrow runs in parents who lose a child, especially if they have never had children themselves. While I appear that I am doing ok, and I guess I am, I am still very raw, still dazed, still on my knees trying to find my way back up again. Here is what John said people like me, going through the 2nd year of loss need….
1. Be patient with them,
2. Be EXTRA kind to them
3. Communicate more with them. This is a weird one because as grieving parents we don’t call anyone but will talk to anyone who calls. (unless it’s a bill collector ;-) ) I have found this to be true amongst other grieving parents as well.
4. Be there for them because more than likely it’s not happening
I agree with John. I was glad he was able to put into words what grieving parents need at this time in the process. Good job John! Well said.
Now onto a side story. Wes had an interesting thing happen to him on his walk to his grandmother’s house yesterday to drop off something. He saw a beer can in a yard and thought, “I’ll get it on my way back.” Then he distinctly heard, “No you won’t! Pick it up now.” He realized it was Andrew talking to him. SO he picked up the beer can and walked into his grandmother’s house where his older sister, who lives there with her 3 kids, thought he had been drinking. LMAO! I think Andrew just wanted to see Wes explain that away! LOL :-D It was probably easier to say he was drinking than to explain that Andrew told him to pick it up! LMAO Wes is home now, dunno when he’ll be back. :-(
IT’S ALL GOOD!
I love to read about when you get your messages and validations on John Edwards’ show. That show has always gotten me bawling for joy at some point during it when loved ones get to hear what they want and need.
And I snickered at the beer can joke Andrew played. Poor Wes. LOL.
Connie – thanks for posting this. I tend to get into “I don’t want to bother them” mode, so I needed the reminder to reach out. Poor Wes, indeed! “No, really – I picked it up on the way home!” “Suuuure you did, Wes…” Man, with Spirit Guides like Andrew, who needs enemas? LOLOLOL!!!! Just kidding, Andrew, really… hahahahaha
I was glad to hear John put into words what grieving parents can not because we are caught in such a weird state of being. I figured it would help posting this for those who may have friends or family members going through the same thing. Martin and I sometimes feel, ok mostly me feels like the pretty girl sitting at home for prom because everybody assumes she was asked. That was never me in high school mind you. Especially in Hawaii, everyone thought we were busy and didn’t ask us to go anywhere so we just sat mostly in our hotel room. It sucked!
We don’t have family here that Martin and I can rely on. In Ireland we would be over run with them all the way down to 5th cousins once removed! Between his mother, sisters, brother in laws, nieces, nephews, great nephew, aunts, uncles, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th cousins AND their kids, we’d never feel alone! I enjoyed that last year when we went to Ireland. Running into our nieces and nephews in town or on the bus or anywhere we went!
When we went in May 2006 with Andrew, we even ran into him up the town with his cousins and mates. Andrew was at an anime marathon and was goin to surprise his Granny with his cousin by visiting her in the pub. :-) That’s where you go when you want to see yer Granny…well their Granny anyways. They had taken the bus into town. Last year Elatia had a slumber every night with 2 of her female cousins as they all crammed into Naomi’s room to sleep. I’m really missing all that right now.
It’s good to see Andrew still playing around with Wes.
I love it that you always uphold the fact that Andrew IS present with you, no matter what “physicality” says. I love the fact that you celebrate all your holidays and know that Andrew celebrates with you.
You were just sitting by yourselves when at Hawaii?? That is strange! I thought you’d be run over by everyone there. But I guess people don’t know what to do when tragedy hits someone you know and love. You don’t know if you are bothering them or not…do they want you around or not. I know a friend who wanted to be left alone. And when another friend of hers practically forced her to see her because she wanted to be there for her, she got very upset and asked her to leave her house right away. Their relationships stay strained even now. One never knows what is the right thing to do. At least its easy for me with you because I know that I can email you, or write messages here, and if you want to be left alone, you’ll simply ignore the emails and messages.
Yes, you are raw, but you are also not giving in to illusions…which is remarkable! Often we give in to illusions even when we have not faced any tragedies. You are holding up the truths you know of despite the physical loss of your son. You really ought to be very proud of yourself.
The whole time in Hawaii pretty much Swati. Joanie and Bennie took us to dinner the first night. After AATP we had nothing to do and just sat around. I hated it! I wanted to be back in So-Cal so bad! Cooler weather and friends to hang around. We sat around until the wonderful Portuguese family pulled together that show for us the Sunday before we left.
I understand that some may want to be left alone. But e-mails are great and the responses on the blog. There are times you don’t want to be around anybody but since I hardly see anyone as it is, and alone most of the time, it’s too much. I rely on the responses here so when no one is here, I have absolutely no one to talk to (Martin is often busy in the office working) or hang with and it gets very hard to live with. Like why the hell bother being here? I feel useless and to add that to the grief, it gets overwhelming. I use to be a mom and have teenage boys around, then all of a sudden I’m not anymore. I am not happy being here right now. I feel like I am wasting my time. I need to be organizing and going through things to unpack the rest of our warehouse, but Andrew loved to do that with me, so I don’t have the energy to do it alone…so here I sit.
There are times I am proud of myself and other times I am not. Mostly I am exhausted and tired of feeling beat up.
[quote]Mostly I am exhausted and tired of feeling beat up. [/quote] Unfortunately I know that feeling only too well. Still through it all, I still feel within me that at the end of it all, it will all be wonderful. And I feel that is not too far away. I might be an overly optimistic fool. But at least that keeps it going on.
You were not only a mum to a teenaged boy Connie. You are so many things more. You know it. Even through living through this…with all the grace and courage you show, you are doing a HUGE lot. You have no idea how many times you inspire hope and courage in others.
Is Wes still with you? Maybe you could be organizing with him? Andrew works through him so many times!
Being a mom was a huge part of what I had been doing. Now I don’t even have that. Just like that, I am no longer a mother to a teenage boy, not to no one anymore. There was no natural progression. Andrew was planning on staying at home for quite a while and that was fine by me. At the mo, I have nothing that I am doing. I sit here doing nothing hoping what I’m planning will actually happen and not be disappointed yet again.
Andrew doesn’t work thru Wes in cleaning. Wesley is not the organizer. In fact the next time he is here I have to get on his case about cleaning up after himself. I normally don’t let that stuff slide, but since Andrew crossed it’s not in me to get on Wes’s case about cleaning up after himself.
Thank you Swati, I forget that maybe I have inspired others. Sometimes it’s hard to see how I could. I know once we can get out there it will seem more real, but sitting here waiting it makes it had to see anything beyond the grief.