Even blogs have re-runs!
I think Andrew and John Edward are in cahoots! Honest to Goddess they must be! Even though it was an episode of Cross Country I had already seen not that long ago, it was good to see it again. It was a good reminder on several different points.
The first point being that our journey with Andrew through leukemia, there was something much bigger at work. Much bigger than any of us. There was a mother on the show that lost her 15yo son David, to leukemia. He was diagnosed at 11yo. She said after he left she wondered if she made any wrong decisions about his treatment. You canâ€™t help but wonder when you have to make life and death decisions EVERYDAY! She said that there was always some big decision to make about her sonâ€™s treatment and you wonder if you made the right ones after they cross, the â€œwhat ifâ€™s.â€ Martin and I discussed it last night. He said he had wondered if he made the right decisions in the hospital. Martin said there were so many decisions to make every day Andrew was in the hospital. That is why I had to take the night shift. It was way to overwhelming for me to handle during the day. Andrew took Martin on a few journeys after he crossed to help Martin process everything and to show him that all was in Divine order.
Then the woman went on to say that when you look at the big picture, you just know that there is something bigger at play here. Things go the way they need to go, the way they are suppose to go, especially when you are present in the situation and hold up your end of the deal and did everything within your power. It was good to hear that validation.
At the same time she also said that they did not celebrate the holidays after David crossed. It was 18 months at the time of taping. Another family that lost their 20yo son due to a motorcycle accident, hadnâ€™t celebrated the holidays either since their son left. For me, not celebrating the holidays is like acknowledging Andrew isnâ€™t here anymore. I canâ€™t do that. I wonâ€™t do that. I want to continue the traditions we started with Andrew because it makes me feel closer to him. I am NOT willing to accept that he not here. His physical presence may not be, but the very essence of who he is, is here. Yes, itâ€™s hard letting go of the physical part of him, it was so very strong in our lives. Itâ€™s forcing to me look beyond the 3rd dimension even more now and opening up to what is really real and this dimension isnâ€™t the real deal, this is just temporary. To also see the endless possibilities. Itâ€™s me that has to bump it up a few notches vibrational wise to communicate more with Andrew. Do I have the joy I use to have for the holidays? No, not yet. But I probably will when Iâ€™m out there doing what I love and not just sitting around the house missing Andrew.
The father of the 20yo talked about the loneliness even though he has a close relationship with his wife. I understood that too, way more than I would like to admit. Itâ€™s the loneliness that is hard to deal with. Again, it was nice to hear from someone I donâ€™t even know, that they feel the same way as I do.
John talked about the 2nd year of not having their sonâ€™s there was the hardest. I know I have mentioned this before. But I think it needs to be said again and stressed to anyone who may know someone going through this. John gave a list of things to help the grieving parents and for those who care about them, to understand what they can do or how to be with the grieving parents. I will list them here. I think people tend to forget just how deep the sorrow runs in parents who lose a child, especially if they have never had children themselves. While I appear that I am doing ok, and I guess I am, I am still very raw, still dazed, still on my knees trying to find my way back up again. Here is what John said people like me, going through the 2nd year of loss needâ€¦.
1. Be patient with them,
2. Be EXTRA kind to them
3. Communicate more with them. This is a weird one because as grieving parents we donâ€™t call anyone but will talk to anyone who calls. (unless itâ€™s a bill collector ) I have found this to be true amongst other grieving parents as well.
4. Be there for them because more than likely itâ€™s not happening
I agree with John. I was glad he was able to put into words what grieving parents need at this time of year in this stage of the grief process. Good job John! Well said.
While I enjoyed xmas eve having a few people over that didn’t leave until 4a.m., I am treating today as just another week day. I have to so I won’t be reminded about the tremendous loss I am really suffering. For the first time in my whole entire life and for all intensive purposes, I am having a Jehovah’s Witness xmas. Nothing to wake up to other than a usual day. Martin in the office, me in the living room. Check my email, clean up, get on treadmill, make dinner. Ok, I don’t normally make dinner but I am today. No family here, they are all in Ireland. In Ireland we wouldn’t be at a loss for get togethers. We’d have so much family to see, I’d be too busy to be in grief. We would all miss and share funny stories about Andrew together.
I miss the excitement of xmas, the excitement Andrew brought to it, even at his age, he was still like a little kid. Not having kids at home for xmas totally SUCKS ASS! I’ve had it for 25yrs and suddenly it is GONE! All our traditions GONE! Even at 17 Andrew would have gotten up at 3am, sat in the chair, rocked, and become one with his gifts under the tree until he could come in at 6am to wake us up. (I made him wait till 6am) But this year there is none of that, there is nothing. No presents under the tree, there is no “This is the best xmas EVER Mommy and Daddy!” It is Thursday, that is all it is to me. So Happy Thursday.