The past few days have been tough on Martin and I. Martin has been really feeling the physical loss of Andrew. Maybe it was because of the 1st anniversary of Andrew’s diagnosis. Maybe it was because he’s been working on a video clip of Andrew’s 17th b-day party. Maybe it’s been all the work on the book we’ve done. Maybe it’s a combination of everything. I could tell that Martin was noticeably down. I could feel Andrew doing extra work on me so I could help Martin. (I know! Me?) I noticed it because when I was feeling down it was for only a split second and Andrew had me focus on who he is now. My eyes could only tear up yesterday, nothing else. Then I would make Martin laugh.

Tonight though, I was having mini panic attacks when I realized I wasn’t going to be able to hug Andrew again, and that he wasn’t going to be barreling out of his room asking “Hows it going Pretty Mama!? I love you!” There are moments I honestly feel I may have a nervous breakdown, I feel the weakness and energy drain like I’m going to collapse. I still feel like Andrew’s going to be coming home and when I have a real human moment and realize he won’t be, I panic for a moment. At least it’s only a moment. Then I pretend this isn’t my life. I think that is how I get through the day sometimes. Sitting here waiting for something to come in doesn’t help. Way too much time to think. Way too much time to miss Andrew. Being in the house so much, where we spent so much time with Andrew, makes it harder with him not being here physically. Martin and I just want to get out there and do what we came here to do. We’ve had to start our lives all over again and it’s a struggle without a doubt but Martin and I are still able to make one another laugh.

Going bowling with CJ today helped but there is no escaping the grief when it comes up, an since we are still going through our firsts, we just have to be there for one another and help each other through it.

BUT when I feel like this, I also remember all the cool things Andrew does for us, has planned for us and that yes, we are separated physically only temporarily and it is I that gets to go home and see him again. That too helps me get through the day. It just gets overwhelming at times. I am not liking this human condition! It bites sometimes! BUT…


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  1. Swati says:

    I think of all those things too and think about what you both go through when you think of these things. But…I hope I am not sounding like an irritating stuck record…but Connie, you WILL hug him. You will. I also know that you and Martin will come through this phase too…and your life is beginning again. You have booked shows. You have a book proposal ready. Things are beginning to happen. Someone up there must be so proud of you both. Its all happening! Its coming together!! ((((hugs))))

  2. Karen T. says:

    I was reading about the “only for a split second” when you said you would get down and I couldn’t help but think that maybe it’s Martin who needs strength from you now to move through all of this. You have mentioned that he has been the strong one through this. Maybe it’s Pretty Mama’s turn to be strong for a bit with Andrew’s help so that Daddy can deal with things. God love you all through all of these firsts! I can’t even wrap my brain around what you two must go through at times. Hugs and much love!!

  3. Jane says:

    (((Connie))) and (((Martin))) hang in there. I can only imagine how this must feel for you at times but unfortunately, grieving is part of experiencing what it is to have a human body. I don’t know about you, but I am not so sure I want to do this another time. In some ways, it doesn’t get any easier. Much love to you all.

  4. Leila says:

    ((((Martin)))) and ((((Connie)))) sending waves of love your way.

  5. admin says:

    Than you Swati, Karen, Jane and Leila!We appreicate all your love and support. There is no way around the grief. It sucks.

    You are right Jane, in some ways it will never get easier, we just learn how to deal with it better. How can losing a child ever get easier? It doesn’t. Martin did say we are over the worst of it though. We were hit with ALL the major holidays right away while we were still in shock, which was good. We have a few more firsts left.

    After this life Jane? I know we won’t have to come back! The things I have been dealt to deal with, a lot not by my choices, I not only dealt with them but healed them, I don’t have to come back. ALL of me is staying at my castle for eternity! I feel so beat up this lifetime! I want to spend the rest of it having a great time doing what we love to do.

    I know I will get to hug him Swati. We are so busy trying to get ourselves back on track, my mind is too scattered to focus. Not to mention trying to find electronics to work so I can do the meditations is a whole other story. Knowing we have the proposal ready and a few shows booked helps. Although I am a little freaked about the theater show in Kona. I don’t know how I am going to fill it. :-o

    We do go back in forth with strength Karen. Even the first week. WHen Martin had a breakdown I felt strong. Then there were the times we would both just hold on to one another and cry. It’s a process, a suckie one but a process.

    Martin did want me to say he is back on track and feeling better today. WOW he actually read the blog! LOL

  6. Leah Clark says:

    It seems to be like that, or how you hope it will be – that when one person is weak the other is strong, and vice versa. Whenever I hear… er… read you talking about the things you are going through, it amazes me that you’ve both come so far – and it hasn’t even been a year! Just know that we’re also here to listen and give hugs and send love.

  7. Joanie says:

    Sending you all lots of love. I haven’t read the proposal yet as the site won’t let me log-in again, but I’m sure it’s wonderful. Hugs, Joanie

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