The past few days have been tough on Martin and I. Martin has been really feeling the physical loss of Andrew. Maybe it was because of the 1st anniversary of Andrew’s diagnosis. Maybe it was because he’s been working on a video clip of Andrew’s 17th b-day party. Maybe it’s been all the work on the book we’ve done. Maybe it’s a combination of everything. I could tell that Martin was noticeably down. I could feel Andrew doing extra work on me so I could help Martin. (I know! Me?) I noticed it because when I was feeling down it was for only a split second and Andrew had me focus on who he is now. My eyes could only tear up yesterday, nothing else. Then I would make Martin laugh.
Tonight though, I was having mini panic attacks when I realized I wasn’t going to be able to hug Andrew again, and that he wasn’t going to be barreling out of his room asking “Hows it going Pretty Mama!? I love you!” There are moments I honestly feel I may have a nervous breakdown, I feel the weakness and energy drain like I’m going to collapse. I still feel like Andrew’s going to be coming home and when I have a real human moment and realize he won’t be, I panic for a moment. At least it’s only a moment. Then I pretend this isn’t my life. I think that is how I get through the day sometimes. Sitting here waiting for something to come in doesn’t help. Way too much time to think. Way too much time to miss Andrew. Being in the house so much, where we spent so much time with Andrew, makes it harder with him not being here physically. Martin and I just want to get out there and do what we came here to do. We’ve had to start our lives all over again and it’s a struggle without a doubt but Martin and I are still able to make one another laugh.
Going bowling with CJ today helped but there is no escaping the grief when it comes up, an since we are still going through our firsts, we just have to be there for one another and help each other through it.
BUT when I feel like this, I also remember all the cool things Andrew does for us, has planned for us and that yes, we are separated physically only temporarily and it is I that gets to go home and see him again. That too helps me get through the day. It just gets overwhelming at times. I am not liking this human condition! It bites sometimes! BUT…
IT’S ALL GOOD! :-D