You just never know what will set you off when you lose a child. It can be the most silliest of things that brings back a memory & take you to that place of grief. Especially when you are the mother who loses the physical presence of her son. Not just any son, but an incredible son that you were so close to that words can’t explain. We did not have a typical teen/parent relationship.
While I am NOT a fan of being a friend to your kids, I believe you need to be a parent first. Andrew was different. He was our best friend & us his. Its weird, while we were one another’s best best friend, Muck knew the boundaries of a parent and child relationship, it was amazing! It was balance at it’s best without a doubt! Andrew knew, if need be, I was a parent first & foremost.
I was IM-ing my 9yo niece in N. Ireland like I have been doing the past week since she’s been on facebook, when she mentioned that she was collecting asses! Yes, asses! It’s some sort of game where you can not only kick ass, but collect peoples’ asses… don’t ask. As she was telling me this, I got the vivid memory of Andrew playing the game Diablo where he collected ears from slain players. Again, don’t ask. I remember him showing me his collection of ears that he had. He loved collecting ears on Diablo. I think he loved it more because it creeped me out!
Being brought back to that memory of him sharing his ear collection and being quite proud of it, brought on a flood of emotions for me. I just started crying. It hit me yet again, like a ton of bricks, that I would never hug my son again this lifetime. That alone is beyond comprehension for any mother! It’s still unreal to me, I’m still expecting Andrew to come home. Yet he never will.
There is no way I could handle this loss all at once, it’s just too big! WAYYYYY tooooooo BIG! So it has to be over time or I would’ve totally fallen apart or exploded from day one. I see how my mind plays games with me so I can handle this a little at a time. Even a little at a time, it has been horrendous! I can’t even imagine handling this all at once. I guess even handling this a little at time is still HUGE, but at least I haven’t turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with it…yet. Wanna leave my options open. ;-) It’s a tough process no matter what. I can’t believe I am still here. God/dess only knows I don’t wanna be sometimes.