You just never know what will set you off when you lose a child. It can be the most silliest of things that brings back a memory & take you to that place of grief. Especially when you are the mother who loses the physical presence of her son. Not just any son, but an incredible son that you were so close to that words can’t explain. We did not have a typical teen/parent relationship.

While I am NOT a fan of being a friend to your kids, I believe you need to be a parent first. Andrew was different. He was our best friend & us his. Its weird, while we were one another’s best best friend, Muck knew the boundaries of a parent and child relationship, it was amazing! It was balance at it’s best without a doubt! Andrew knew, if need be, I was a parent first & foremost.

I was IM-ing my 9yo niece in N. Ireland like I have been doing the past week since she’s been on facebook, when she mentioned that she was collecting asses! Yes, asses! It’s some sort of game where you can not only kick ass, but collect peoples’ asses… don’t ask. As she was telling me this, I got the vivid memory of Andrew playing the game Diablo where he collected ears from slain players. Again, don’t ask. I remember him showing me his collection of ears that he had. He loved collecting ears on Diablo. I think he loved it more because it creeped me out!

Being brought back to that memory of him sharing his ear collection and being quite proud of it, brought on a flood of emotions for me. I just started crying. It hit me yet again, like a ton of bricks, that I would never hug my son again this lifetime. That alone is beyond comprehension for any mother! It’s still unreal to me, I’m still expecting Andrew to come home. Yet he never will.

There is no way I could handle this loss all at once, it’s just too big! WAYYYYY tooooooo BIG! So it has to be over time or I would’ve totally fallen apart or exploded from day one. I see how my mind plays games with me so I can handle this a little at a time. Even a little at a time, it has been horrendous! I can’t even imagine handling this all at once. I guess even handling this a little at time is still HUGE, but at least I haven’t turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with it…yet. Wanna leave my options open. ;-) It’s a tough process no matter what. I can’t believe I am still here. God/dess only knows I don’t wanna be sometimes.

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6 Responses to EARS AND TEARS

  1. Swati says:

    You know, just last night I was thinking of you and Andrew, and was thinking sometimes things work out so perfectly…the fact that Andrew would not fit into the regular schools and you home schooled him. You only had these precious 16 years with him. Thank God they were not wasted with him away at school most of the time. Sending you hugs….

  2. Leah Clark says:

    (((HUGS))) Connie… It is good that we don’t have to eat the elephant in one gulp. I think you are Martin are doing amazingly well for everything you’ve been through. I just can’t even imagine what I would be like in your shoes. You both are such a source of inspiration to me, and I’m so grateful I had the chance to meet Andrew and that he inspired such growth and change and music (!) in my life. I love you all.

  3. Jeremy says:

    Hey Connie,

    I got a new book that made me think of you and Andrew.The book is called 2012 The Galactic Center & The Return of the Great Mother by Christine Page.

    I highly recommend everyone reads it. Ill probably drop my copy off for you and Marts to read in a few days.

    The part that kept reminding me of you though was the story of the Archetypes especially the story of the Mother Goddess who is always sacrificing her child for a better future.

    Like Isis & Horus, Mary/Jesus

    Like Demeter & Persephone.. The good part is in all these stories the child always returns in better form than before and in all their power.

    This book has brought about a lot of new information for me. I think it will help anyone who reads it in some way.

  4. admin says:

    You know J, I don’t think I have ever admitted this out loud, but that is what it has felt like to me, like the fore mentioned mothers. I had to let go of my son for his bigger purpose. Not that I had a choice n the matter mind you! Sounds like an interesting book.

    Leah, I am so glad you got to meet and experience Andrew. The elephant ref is so true! I realized I push the grief outta my mind for awhile & try to just focus on who Andrew is now. But after a bit of time it hits me because I have so much else to deal with. If we were out working w/Andrew more, it’d be a hell of a lot easier! You know we aren’t just grieving parents delusional about our son. I am glad that we can inspire people, sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s worth it. Thanks for staying tuned!

    Thanks Swati for still thinking about us! I am soooo grateful that we home schooled Andrew! It is the reason he was able to be who he came here to be. We probably had more time with him because of it than most parents do the whole time they have their kids! Hope we can have a project together soon. ;-)

  5. Karen T. says:

    I’ve told you I can’t imagine being in your shoes many times. Hugs!! I wish you little bits as you can handle them. I’d wish you a quantum leap through it, but I don’t see it as possible, being a mama myself. I also wish all the time for projects to make their way to you. Your teachings/gifts need to be out there, inspiring more people to their truth. Our rant via text last week is where I sit about you guys. I see what your teachings did for me and for those that have followed yours and Martin’s blogs. I see the sacrifice you’ve both made in losing the physical of Andrew to bump those teachings up to notches that will blow those who listen away. Then I wonder what’s the hold up?! I know it’s gonna be so awesome…just wish it would kick in already! Geesh.

  6. admin says:

    Me too! Me too! Me too! I am sooooo ready! It’s been the sitting around and waiting that has been the hardest. The not doing anything and having all this time to think and miss Andrew. Feeling useless. What’s the point?
    Seriously, not getting any younger here!

    Thank you Karen for appreciating what we do. If I could multiply you and Leah a million times we’d be set! :-D info the next post!

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