I think that is the best way to describe my conversation with my sister last night!
We were a mess talking about Andrew! I allowed myself to go to “that” place. A place that ain’t purdy I tell ya! That deep, dark place of devastating grief. I’m trying to get it all out by the end of the year. I know I will always have a cry every now and then for the rest of my life but not the deep ugly cries. I don’t want to be doing that the rest of my life! Add a touch of allergy too and it makes my eyes too crusty and swollen! :-D And I can’t have that! I had a heck of a time opening my eyes this morning! LOL
Andrew was my sister’s Knight In Shining Armor. He is still mine! Make no mistake about that one! I feel so protected with him on the Other Side! But he is the only man in my sister’s life that ever treated her right and made her feel like a Queen! Andrew had a way of doing that. He always made you feel like a million bucks!
When he would spend the night at a friend’s house, he would always rave about the meal cooked for him. At his service, his friend’s mother mentioned that. Maria said how Andrew always made her feel appreciated for what she did for the boys. His friend’s step father, Jess, told me that Andrew was welcomed anytime for dinner because he was the only one who appreciated it! Andrew meant every word he said too! He wasn’t just saying it to be saying it. He always appreciated the things people did for him, and it just touched your heart when he let you know it. Teenagers aren’t known for appreciation! LOL That’s what made him so different!
My sister is so devastated. I was sorry to hear how angry & bitter she was about his ascension. She said that her heart is hardened by all this. She just can’t get over it. I have to say, by hearing this, it was snapping me out of it. I then tried to explain how all this was meant to be and there was a bigger plan in place. I tried to explain that this wasn’t all for nothing!
She knew how bad he wanted to stay too. That’s all he talked about was what he was going to do when he got through all this. That is what got to me too was all the conversations we had about his complete recovery. He NEVER once said he wanted to give up. Contrary to what 2 ATP’s tried to tell me. But we all know they were talking out their asses! I know it was all their own crap they tried dumping on me. But I digress. Anyhoo, I tried to explain to her that it was his human side that wanted to stay but his Higher Self knew he was leaving.
Yea, she was NOT buying that one. She just remembers how much he talked about healing this and getting on with his life HERE! I mean, I know how she feels! I remember all those conversations too! I also have the conversations we had long before he was diagnosed. He talked about never having to die. I explained we don’t, only the body does and he said “No, I’m talking about keeping the same body! ANd you’re staying too!” I talked up the Other Side and he didn’t want any part of that because he said it was all going on here on Earth! He loved his life on this planet! He had NO intention on leaving…EVER!
As you already know I felt betrayed when he left because I believed him. He was so adamant about staying, I thought he knew something we all did not.
So anytime I need a good cry, I will call my sister. I never know what will set me off. I see his sunglasses that he wore the day of his diagnosis on his night stand beside his bed & I shed a few tears. I see a game he would play sitting on his dresser, I shed a few tears. I see the shoes he wore in hospital when he was able to walk around, I shed a few tears. But then there are those few times when only a good ole fashion ugly cry will do.
Believe it or not it is getting a little bit easier everyday. The tidal waves of devastating grief doesn’t wash over me as often as it use to. It use to be every hour, then every other hour, to a few times a day, then every other day, to a few times a week, to every few weeks. Last night was one of those times. I should be good for awhile, probably right to the end of the year. Then maybe I’ll have one last big one! I still shed tears in between but it’s not the deep devastating grief of tears. I still can not believe this is my life now! I am so grateful I have Martin. I wouldn’t survive this if it weren’t for him & the incredible relationship we have!
New Year’s Eve will be bittersweet. Part of me (the mama gene) doesn’t want the year to end because this is the last year we had with our son here. The thought of starting a new year without him physically here is unbearable. Then the Higher Self kicks in and looks forward to the wonderful things our incredible son has waiting for us! And the journey the 3 of us will continue to be on working together. Is it any wonder I haven’t exploded yet?? LOL I keep trying! LOL But no luck I’m still here. ;-)
But then I hear….
IT’S ALL GOOD PRETTY MAMA! And so it is!