One thing I am learning, no matter how much I try to deny it, is that grief is ALWAYS around the corner! As much as I try to be ok with everything that has happened to us, I am still not. I still feel the extreme heaviness of grief that consumes me at times. It still gets unbearable. Maybe it’s because I am in the house all of the time and have the CONSTANT reminder that my son is no longer physically here with me. It is in my face every goddamn day! I don’t know too many people, if any, that could handle grief slapping them up beside the head everyday…ALL day long with no family support close by to help us.
Yes, I have been trying to find a job, a crappy one at that even, thinking it would be easier to find, but they, like a promoter, are like the elusive unicorn…hard to find! So here I sit trying to fight my way out of grief everyday. It gets incredibly exhausting and I succumb to it.
What I do know is that if we were out performing more, I could handle all of this better, I’d feel like there is purpose to my life & everything we’ve been thru. But sitting here on my own, I wonder WTF was all this for?? AND why do I have to stay?? It makes no sense! I am in a constant battle with myself trying to stay positive and I get too tired to keep it up. NO ONE could stay positive after losing a child without being fed some sort of positive energy, yet I am expected to? Not happening!
Now I am dealing with the 2nd anniversary of Andrew’s diagnosis tomorrow. I am grateful it is also Elatia’s b-day. What a blessing it is to have him diagnosed on her b-day. It does help shift the energy of that day. Unfortunately I won’t be spending it with her this year. She is going to the beach w/friends who have boats, and honestly, I am not even up for a day at the beach. I’m hot enough as it is inside with A.C.!
Andrew’s friend Daniel is here with us for 10 days, and that has been a tremendous help since we haven’t seen Wes since Andrew’s b-day. Having one of Andrew’s friends around really helps me stay out of deep grief. Without sounding all Michael Jacksonie, I love having teenage boys around, but not in a creepy, Jesus juice sort of way. ;-)
So what I have come to terms with now, is that I will be dealing with deep grief for probably most, if not the rest of my life. I am just hoping that something breaks for us soon because I know I won’t spend the rest of my life like this. I simply can’t. It’s too much to ask of a mother.
Next year we are going on a cruise with our Irish family to Italy, Spain, Monaco & Monte Carlo, for our cousin’s wedding. About 20 of us will be going. Dunno how we are gong to pay for it, alls I know is that we ARE going! According to Martin, Andrew says things will be falling into place for us very soon & to be ready. Not soon enough for me I’ll tell ya! I’M FREAKING READY! I keep seeing 2’s like crazy, like insane crazy how often 22 or 222 keeps coming up, which in Angel #’s means, “seeds of ideas that you have planted are coming to fruition.” Sprout away I say! BRING IT ON! :-D
We are starting our, Int’l It’s All Good Day, IIAGD campaign now. SO help spread the word! I’ll be posting a blurb here about it that you can use. If you aren’t a FB friend of mine yet, what are you waiting for?? http://www.facebook.com/conniejordan22 is my url. I give a lot of notices there, which is why I haven’t been on here much. Plus I haven’t had a lot of other news to report, well news worth reporting anyway. Just sitting around waiting for something to happen from all the stuff we’ve thrown against the wall. Until next time…
IT’S ALL GOOD!