Seeing The Beauty In The Pain

Because I don’t have my techie with me anymore and I can’t log on under my log in, I have to log in under Martin. With Martin slowly disappearing in the 3D, I don’t mind. It feels like we’re still working together.

I was mentioning to a friend recently that even through all the pain, there is beauty not only to be witnessed, but to be captured. You just have to be willing to see it, even in the most traumatic of times.

A rough day but a beautiful moment

I was able to do it with Andrew through his illness and passing, as hard as it was. I was right when I told my Muck that when we got out of the hospital, we would only remember the good times, and he agreed. And honestly, to this day it is the funny, tender, intimate moments I remember the most. Not the pain and trauma. It’s not like I don’t remember that too, but I just CHOOSE to focus on the beautiful moments amongst the trauma. I’m just sorry I didn’t get more pictures or videos of my boy, but smart phones weren’t a big thing back then. Actually I’m not even sure if they were even a thing back in 2007.

I did capture many moments of Martin when things were getting tough. When I realized he was going to pass, I did get video of him breathing so I could always hear him breathe whenever I wanted. I had a family member take video of me giving a talk to the staff at hospice after he passed. Since no one else in the family was up for giving a wee speech before Martin was brought to his sister’s for the wake, I did it, it’s my thang apparently. I stood beside his coffin and talked to the staff and thanked them for their kindness and that what they do matters so much! That what they do is not just a job but definitely a true calling. They are true Earth Angels!

I also apologized that they didn’t get to see just how magnificent Martin was because they really missed out on getting to know his quick wit, sense of humor and kindness. Like Andrew, he would have made each one of them feel special.

I took pictures of him and I, and the pain on my face as I said my REAL FINAL last good bye to him and my last kiss with him before the undertakers took my husband to the church. These pictures are just for me.

It broke my heart to see my mother-in-law, Nancy’s face when she walked into the room and saw her son for the first time in the coffin. I stood behind her and hugged her, as we were both grieving mothers now. While I was never her favorite person, no one was good enough for her wee son in typical Derry, Irish mum style, we shared a tender moment as mothers. I knew that I now held a special place in her heart and it only took 43 years! LOL Yes it was painful, but tender and loving none the less. I will cherish that moment until I see her again.

I took video of Martin being carried to the hearse, into the house, from the house and into the church. I did this so people around the world that love Martin could feel like they were there. Plus it helps me fill in the blanks of things I have forgotten.

When I think of the moment when Martin passed, as devastated as I was and still am, it was incredibly intimate and beautiful. I wrote about it in the last blog post.

When Martin was leaving Florida to come to N Ireland for cancer treatment, I had my daughter, Elatia capture my last hug and kiss with my husband before he left. I didn’t know if I would ever see him again and I wanted what could be our last moment together captured. She beautifully caught my pain. 

At Andrew’s first Angelversary on Laguna Beach in California, Elatia caught the beautiful moments that were shared between Andrew’s girlfriend Jourdan, and I as we cried together while we wrote our letters to Andrew.

Elatia also caught a beautiful moment between his young friend Daniel and his mother as she hugged him while he cried. Elatia also caught a moment between Martin and I that I recently found. Through the pain, the love and beautiful moments shined through.










With my mother-in-law’s recent passing, just 3 months after Martin, we were all there as she made her transition. It was very sacred and intimate, like Martin’s, and all I could see was the love, even through the tears and pain. I know she hated all of us being there watching her pass while loving on her. Too bad Nancy! We just love ya too much not to be there when you physically leave us!

I whispered in her ear, “I know you loooooove me!” I know while I could feel her laughing, she also wanted to pimp slap me! I also told her to give OUR boyz a hug and a slap from me!

The same for the wake and funeral, as painful as it was, what out shined the pain for me was the immense love we all had for Nancy and each other.

It was an honor to witness and be apart of it. I helped carry Nancy to the hearse along with her daughters, my sisters. After 43 years and what we have been through together, they are my sisters and not sisters in law anymore.

I was able to witness amazing, beautiful, tender moments between family members that truly touched my heart, like seeing my nephew in with his granny softly singing to her. Probably a song they sang together when he was a kid. Thinking of it now brings tears to my eyes still. Or me and a few of my nieces and nephews playing a quiz game in with Granny, funny enough, no one wanted her on their team. After awhile no one wanted me on their team either because I was as good at the game as Granny was. We were there playing until their mothers kicked us out so they could be alone with their Mum.

I think about a story a friend shared with me awhile ago as her father was passing, and how the family stood around her father’s bed taking turns telling their favorite story of him, and also sang to him. It was just so beautiful to hear.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fill of wakes and funerals within 3 months this year, the emotions are so intense. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m done with them. When you have a big Irish family with ageing relatives, wakes and funerals are a part of your life for a wee while.

But when you have to go through these experiences, you have a choice on what you can focus on, the pain or the beauty and love. I suggest you focus on the love, and look for the beauty even in the most painful of human experiences, which I had the good fortune to experience. *insert sarcasm here.* You’ll be glad you did, for those are the memories you will reflect on with fondness and feel the love again, because as my boyz say, Only Love Is Real!

It’s All Good!



My Sweet Lady

1988 reunited

There is a line from the song, “My Sweet Lady” by John Denver that says, “Our time has just begun.” It is the first song Martin ever sang to me in 1988. That is when we saw each other again since 1976 when I was 14 year old.

I’m the tall one.

I was getting ready to head back to Florida from Derry N Ireland after my 2 week stay, after being apart for 12 years. Unfortunately my trip was coming to an end, and I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, listening to Martin sing me this song, with tears streaming down my face.

 When I was leaving Martin then, I didn’t know when I was going to see him again, so when I heard him sing, “our time has just begun,” I was hoping he was right. He was right, we did see each other again, on June 11, 1988.

Fast forward 30 years, I was lying with my husband, listening to this song, with my arms around him, stroking his face, kissing his face, as we laid in his hospice bed, knowing it was the last time I would do so. It would be the last time I would have my husband lying next to me in bed. It was a surreal experience. This just couldn’t be happening! Not to my Super Natural Hero, not the love of my life, my husband, my Marts! NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! Cancer couldn’t be stealing another one of my men from my life! First my 16yo son and now my husband? NO! It can’t be true dammit!

But yet it was.

He didn’t pass at that moment though. He was waiting on one more person, even in his unconscious state. There was still one more person’s voice he had to hear before leaving us physically. His bestie, besides me of course, our 7 year old grand daughter Kaliana. She had been sleeping all day. Looking back I think on some level she was travelling with him and also prolonging the inevitable. The longer she slept, the longer her Daba, her name for him, was here.

When she finally woke up, I asked her if she wanted to sing her favorite Daba’s song, “Only Love Is Real” to him. All Kaliana knew was that Daba was unwell, not passing, not yet. She said yes! I put Martin singing the song on his phone from his page, and I put my phone with her on video chat by his ear.

So as the love of my life, my bestie of 42 years, was leaving this dimension, and making his way to our son, our real Home, as he took his last breaths, the last thing he heard was himself and Kaliana singing together the first song Andrew gave him after Andrew passed, Only Love Is Real. Kaliana was really belting it out as I helped her with the words. I believe everyone in the room sang the chorus with us.

While I was absolutely devastated then and now, I was going to make sure that my husband was going to have a sacred, intimate, beautiful passing. Andrew’s passing was incredibly traumatic, for us anyway, Andrew was good. I was definitely going to make sure Martin’s was peaceful.

And that it was.

Our clairvoyant friend Nicola was also there and she saw Andrew standing there in the room.

At the moment Martin passed, she watched as Andrew shape shifted into the white stag, like the one that came for him. Martin climbed onto his back and our son rode off with his father, carrying him Home.

So was our time together just beginning…again? There was a part of me so angry at him for leaving me! Angry hearing those words. Thinking he’s a LIAR! WTF do you mean our time has just begun? Really? I wanted to throat punch Martin and John Denver! But that was the grief talking.

I did get to spend one more night with my husband. Only I laid on a mattress on my sister in law’s 3rd bedroom floor next to my husband who laid in his coffin, looking very handsome I might add. They still do wakes in the house in N Ireland.

The tears streamed down my face as I laid there beside his coffin, realizing that this truly was the last night I would spend with my husband ever this lifetime. The words, “our time has just begun..” kept running through my head while I still fought the urge to throat punch.

Of course there had to be a funny moment, and it happened with our dog Dobby. Martin really loved this dog and Dobby loved him. I lifted Dobby up to see Martin and say goodbye. He licked Martin’s face. In doing so he licked Martin’s eye a little bit open! Here’s me wha? Oh No! His sister Karen quickly sorted Martin out before anyone saw him.

I was surprised how normal Martin felt. Not like Andrew that, 1. didn’t look like himself and 2. Andrew was a cold I never felt before. Andrew was so cold and he felt icky. Martin’s hands were warmer than our daughter’s! lol His face felt amazing, he felt normal really, he looked amazing and so young.

The next morning I tried to shoo off the undertakers. I wasn’t ready dammit! I wanted to take him home, put him the on the couch with his MAC on his lap. He looked so handsome, so healthy actually. But no one would listen to me. Instead they had us say our last goodbye by placing a yellow rose on my beloved before they closed the coffin for the last time, for us anyway. That part nearly took my breath away. Then seeing his coffin being carried out of the house. Things were getting way to real! And I didn’t like it! Not one bit!


My boyz together in a way I never imagined!

Now it’s a month later and I still think he’ll be coming home. Then it hits me that he really won’t be coming home again. But because of a few experiences I have recently had, I can honestly say that yes, “our time has just begun.” The next chapter, the fourth act if you will, of this play is just beginning. Plays have 4 acts, right?

So while it is harder for me to realize  somethings right now, as I am thrown yet again into deep grief, I do have moments that my boyz remind me…

It’s (still) All Good!




Letting Go To Hold On

That was something Martin had said to me awhile ago, “if you want to hold on, you have to let go.” Of course I wanted to tell him to shut it, among other things like STFU! AND who knew a husband could be right? I hate when that happens!

That saying can apply to so many things in life. Like if I want to hold on to my son, I need to let go of him at the same time. Let go of what was, to allow what is, which could be even better if I allow it. There in lies the dilemma, that damn mama gene just LOVES what was! I believe I have blogged about this one before. I’m STILL working on fully letting go of that one mind you. I mean it’s getting easier to as I have more interactions with Andrew now, but there are still those damn mama gene moments that sucker punch me and take my breath away.

Now there is yet another new chapter in which I have to let go to hold on. Like letting go my life in Florida, my daughter and three granddaughters. But I know I gave it my all the last 2 years while Martin has been gone dealing with cancer treatment in his own country, because we don’t offer the same kind of stellar care here in the US. I did everything I could to keep our life going here, but it is not meant to be, for now.

I realized after nearly 2 years and not getting any further ahead no matter what I did, it was time to rethink what I was holding on to. I have to admit, the presidential election was the final straw and knew it was time for me to let go of what I have here if I wanted to hold on to the life I needed. I knew Martin just wouldn’t be able to live in the US again because of needing access to health care when he needs it, and we couldn’t afford it in the US. NO ONE can when you have been dealing with cancer, health insurance or not. There’s deductibles, co-pays, and still having to pay 20% of the medical bill. Why deal with the stress of that if we don’t have to?

While Martin has been gone, I have had to work fulltime at a job that kicks my ass physically and mentally, which leaves me very little time with my girls anyway. I am so tired from work, I spend my 2 days off playing catch up on things I couldn’t get done while I worked. And licking my wounds, ok not literally because I can’t get my feet up that far, but you get the point. Jogging was out of the question now because my feet were so sore.  Real self care was out the window too. My blood pressure was way to high due to the stress of trying to keep all the plates spinning at once. My pool guy let me down so that was on my list of things to do as well.

So what the hell am I really giving up then, right?

Well, my daughter and being a fulltime grandmother like I always wanted to be. My home of 17 years, the longest I’ve lived anywhere and where my son spent half his life. It’s where my co-dependent wiener dog Merlin is buried. The home that I wanted my grand daughters to grow up in as well. Having a pool that I thoroughly enjoyed last summer. I mean I was in that thing way into the night. My rescue chiweenies, Dobby and Mama, my Lexus that I adore. Not to mention, while I hate the summers in Sarasota, I do love where I live. But now I had to let it all go.

My daughter did not take it well when I told her I was moving. I told her by letting go, that things could work out even better than we think, even though we don’t see that right now. I reminded her that because I had to work fulltime I was little use to her and couldn’t spend the time with them like I wanted. I told her that just because this wasn’t our plan A, it doesn’t mean an even better way won’t happen anyway, we just need to trust and get out of the way.

So what do I get for letting go? Yes, a very angry daughter, but I do get my husband back! BUT I also get to quit working at a muggle job that doesn’t feed my soul. I get to focus on my third book that goes with my One Woman Show, GOOD GRIEF! that I am currently working on. I will have the time to work on my Visionary Art. I get to work with my boys again! We have a 2 bedroom flat in town, which is walking distance to everything. I get to finally cool off. I get to visit my girls for the holidays where I can devote ALL of my time to them. AND in the Fall we get to meet the kids in Copenhagen for a little vacation together. We will now have the freedom to take vacations with the kids.

When I stop and think about it, I am letting go of loneliness and stress and gaining a new stress free life with my husband where we both have healthcare! We can travel around Europe for weekend get-aways. As a friend reminded me with a card, “It’s Your Time! It’s Your Turn!” Yes it is! When I look at it that way, I have nothing to whine about and need to stop being a whiny lil bitch! AND remember..



Smell Ya Later!


Oh dear gawd! Here’s hoping I NEVER smell that thing later!

Okay, so apparently when a spirit shows up and wants to cross, but not sure how, they give you, well let’s just call it a pungent aroma, oh who am I kidding? It’s a rancid, god awful, disgusting odor, to get your attention. And man! It definitely gets your attention! It’s happened to Martin quite a lot through the years. Well now I know what the hell exactly he was talking about!

Martin comes into the living room where I am sitting minding my own business when I smell this rancid odor. I accuse Martin of it because since having 12 inches of his colon removed and having a stoma since the end of 2012, that thing can “go off” at any time and smell horrific!

Martin insists it’s not him. He even smells down his shirt, eww, and confirms it’s not him. I don’t believe him. I told him, “I only started smelling it since you walked into the room!” He replies, “Well it’s not me, I don’t smell anything, it must be a spirit.” Here’s me wha? I’m smelling a spirit and he’s not? That’s never happened before!

Well, I still don’t believe him and I decide, I’m going in! Nervously I decide to be brave in order to prove him wrong, the things we’ll do to prove our husbands wrong,  I pull his shirt out and take a much dreaded whiff. I do it, and much to my shock and surprise, Martin was right! It wasn’t him! He’s right again? That’s twice in a week! Doh! A husband is right twice in a week? Is it the beginning of the apocalypse? lol

So again, I say, “I am smelling something awful, where the hell is it coming from?!” And once again Martin says, “It’s a spirit that needs to be crossed over and your Guides want YOU to do it!” Again, here’s me wha? ME? You’ve got to be kidding me with this! That’s Martin’s thing not mine. He crossed a spirit over the other night. Martin asked me to hold the space for him while he did this. He got the spirits’s name and which flat he belonged to.

Living in a flat in a renovated old building, in a very old city where the walls surrounding the city are older than the USA, and where “The New Bridge” is dated back to 1750’s, I guess I better expect this more often. But me? Like I never experience this kind of stuff really, Martin is the go to person for spirits. They’re like a moth to a flame with Martin. Now Martin did warn me that my Guides were going to be working on me and with me to get me up to speed since now that I have the time and the stress level is dialed way the hell down. It would appear he wasn’t kidding! Between the sudden onset of vertigo the other week that scared the shit outta me, to this smelly ass spirit showing up, I am on the fast track to getting back into my metaphysical gifts again. I have definitely been in “Muggle” world way too long!

Now mind you I never saw or heard this spirit, but I sure as hell smelled it. How Martin couldn’t smell it was beyond me. Now I know how he felt when he would ask me, do you smell that? And I of course would say no. But there was no denying this stench for me.

So after a moment of panic of what I had to do, I take a deep breath and decide how I’m going to cross over this smelly ass booger, because I wanted to breathe fresh air again! I call on my “go to” Guide, PureHeart (aka Andrew’s Higher Consciousness for anyone new here). I was going to ask Andrew, but I have already heard how Andrew responds to Martin with readings when Martin called on him, so I decide to ask PureHeart from the start. Not only do I call on PureHeart, I ask him to give me a visual of how this event is going to go down. That’s where the humor came in.

I see PureHeart standing there in his Avatar (ie Master Teacher, not the blue creature from Pandora) regalia, BUT he is holding the gadget Al would use in Quantum Leap to contact Ziggy. He’s standing there hitting the buttons on the  gadget, a white energy column  appears, the spirit bolts into it so quick and the column closes. I started laughing at the visual telling PureHeart, “great visual!” I then notice PureHeart was standing there with that big ole smile of his and him saying to me, “Great job PrettyMama!” All of this happened in a matter of seconds mind you, and as soon as it happened, that awful pungent odor was gone! Thank goodness that aroma left as quickly as the spirit did.

So I guess I better be prepared for more of this kind of thing as I get “leveled up” by my Guides. I no longer have the excuse of working too much, too tired and too stressed just trying to keep my head above water. All the excuses were taken from me with this big move I made. It’s time to focus on me for a change and getting into my own gifts now. It’s long over due.

I have a feeling I am on the Mr Myiagi track for my gifts now. Wax on, wax off! Smell on, smell gone! Spirit here, *poof* spirit there!

I look forward to working with my son and husband doing this work fulltime, because I know no matter what happens…


Bright Side of Life

connie jordan

Martin and I were getting off the bus in Derry, N Ireland coming from Belfast after a full day of traveling trying to tie up American  loose ends. As we were getting ready to make our way home, a woman sitting outside a pub with her friend, commented how she loved our look, I believe her exact words were, “I freakin’ love your look!” THEN started singing, “The Bright Side of Life.” Out of the blue!

connie jordanAnd for those in the know, know that is the song we ended Andrew’s FUNeral service with, so that was a HUGE deal her singing that song.

She said  a few more times how she just loved our look as she continued to sing Bright Side of Life. This really caught my attention. So we had to go over to chat with her to tell her that she had NO idea how cool it was that she was singing that song.

She went on to tell us how she noticed us as soon as we walked out of the bus station,  I was thinking how I noticed her glass of wine (not her first I’m sure) as soon as we came out of the bus station and I thought, “What a great idea!” It was a great evening to be sitting outside and enjoying a glass of wine.

She asked us where we were from. I told her I was from Florida and Martin said Derry. She tells us that she’s from Port Rush, then her friend piped in kidding, “can you get her on the train to Port Rush?” So I was correct in that this was not her first glass of wine, but she was friendly and having a great time in the “big” city of Derry! lol But her saying she was from Port Rush struck me odd, because it reminded me of a story about Port Rush back in the 1980’s when I worked at the Hollywood Beach Hilton in Florida.

I met a couple when I worked at The Hilton as a server in the restaurant in the hotel and we had a conversation. I’m sure I started it since I noticed their Irish accent. I remember talking about having a friend Martin that lived in Derry. Well, whatever I said, they said something to the effect that I would be with Martin, and something about having a great love. This took me by surprise because I was married at the time and had NO plans of going to N Ireland to see Martin.

This couple picked up something about my friendship with Martin. I even hid my wedding ring after they said that, I didn’t want to disappoint them. That happened over 30 years ago so I don’t remember the exact details, but I do remember this couple believing Martin and I were meant to be together.

Our new friend at the pub then said to us, “You two just shine love and light!” Then she said to us, “Love and Light to both of you! Love and Light!” And then she hugged us tight. We had to hug her too because we knew Andrew was working through her. She totally made our day!

As Martin and I started to walk away, I had to walk back and tell her & her friend how profound her singing Bright Side Of

Life was, that it meant the world to us! They both looked at me not quite understanding. I needed them to know that it wasn’t  just a woman enjoying being in the “big city”, but what she did had a lot of meaning to us.

I had to let the m know that “Bright Side of Life” was how we ended our son’s “FUNeral.” A sadness came over them. I told them NO! You singing it was perfect! It was beautiful! AND so deeply appreciated! It meant the world to us and THANK YOU!!

Then I walked away to catch up with Martin. A part of me wanted to stay and join them.But Andrew reminded me later “that just because someone was used to give a message or a sign, you don’t have to be BFFs PrettyMama”

All this happened just after I said to Martin, “I don’t think it has sunk in yet that I am actually living here now.”

But here’s the kicker! It didn’t register with me until we got home what the name of the pub was where this song bird was. Wait for it…wait for it….

BLACK BIRD! Mind officially blown! ANNND how the hell did I miss that one!

And for those in the know, know this is the song Andrew was ALWAYS practicing on his guitar.

You can’t make this shit up people! I love how Andrew worked so hard to let his PrettyMama know, that even through more hard, major life changes…

IT’S (still) ALL GOOD!


Silent Lucidity

I have loved the song Silent Lucidity for decades now, but it’s not a song you heard a lot of on the radio. I’m not even sure where I first heard the song, but I have always loved it. I remember being in Derry a while ago, like before Andrew passed I believe, now that I think about it, it could’ve been 2 months after he passed when we went for his memorial, which would make sense now that I think about it. But I saw the Queensryche CD at our fav goth place in Derry, called Trash, and I was excited to see one of my fav songs on the CD, Silent Lucidity. It’s a hard song to find. Martin hadn’t heard of the band or the song. He wondered where I got the title for this blog from. I informed him that no, I wasn’t that creative, it was the name of a song. But it’s kinda coming together for me tonight though why I love it so much.

Last Friday night while causally strolling through
my FB news feed as I watched Grimm, I saw that someone I knew was front and center at a Queensryche concert. I got the “hit,” the “pull” to look up the Silent  Lucidity video on Youtube, but that wasn’t enough. I “heard” you NEED to see the lyrics! So I knew I had to pull that up too, but not until after I listened to it first. The guitar playing, the music, the singer’s voice, oy! It just sends me places!

So not only does the lead singer’s voice go through me like it always does, it was the 1st 2 lines that got my attention to where I knew the rest of the song would be poignant. The first 2 lines were, “Hush now don’t you cry. Wipe away the tear drop from your eye.” For anyone who has lost a child and is looking to connect with them more, I believe this is the message they want us to know, that when we can move past the pain, we can visit with them through lucid dreaming.

The back story is, since I have decided to move to N Ireland, and have been overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions, and yes, a whole lotta stress, I have begged Andrew to let me feel him by my side to help me cope, especially since Martin isn’t here with me for this big move. I have “thrown” my Faerie cards almost everyday and they say the same thing, all extremely positive. The message every time has been that I need to take time for myself, let go and break free of all the stress and in doing so I will be able to tap into Higher consciousness and my dreams will be coming true. Apparently this 10 year reign of one health trauma after another, and grief are about over! Who couldn’t be happier about that? That’s right! This girl! The thought of even getting relief from the grief and all this stress makes me giddy like a little girl on Christmas morning. Or I should say, giddy as Andrew!

I will be going to N Ireland for 5 weeks first, in Feb before the big move the end of May. Martin and I have been talking about those 5 weeks. He told me that he wants me to focus on my Visionary Art, connecting with Andrew/PureHeart and to decompress, not stress about anything and just be me. So then comes along this song that just affirms everything I have been feeling and wanting to do. It’s as if Andrew is talking right to me in this song. Then I see that it came out when? 1991, the year Andrew was born. It wouldn’t even surprise me if Andrew inspired the writer of this song before Andrew was born! That’s right! That’s how things roll in our world! Some pretty freaky deaky info comes to us and freaky deaky shit happens to us! I know my “woo woo” friends get that one.

Also, as I am going through our life together of the past 28 years, deciding what to take, what to sell and what to “bin it” Derry Speak for garbage, or burn it. I wanted to set the shed on fire and just not deal with it, but the neighbors and probably the city would frown upon that. Anyway, I remember a small wooden plaque with an old looking painting of a unicorn on it that Andrew bought me at a garage sale when he was young. I was sad thinking I had gotten rid of it years ago when once again we were sorting through things as we were planning on moving to So California back in 2005. I thought to myself the other week when I remembered that plaque, if I find this, I KNOW Andrew is right there with me and things ARE moving in the right direction. Well guess what I found as my friend Patty and I were going through my gross shed on Friday? That’s right! That very same wooden unicorn plaque with Andrew’s hand writing on the back. If it weren’t for Patty making me go through the boxes completely, I would have probably lost that unicorn plaque.

So Andrew is making me it quite clear that he is right here, right by my side smiling, loving me, letting me know…..


P.S Martin didn’t write this, I did. I accidentally signed in under him.

Silent Lucidity

Hush now don’t cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You’re lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over
Or has it just begun?

There’s a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run to in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn’t realize it and you were scared
It’s a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly, you hear and see
This magic new dimension

I will be watching over you
I am gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you, in silent lucidity

Visualize your dream
Record it in the present tense
Put it into a permanent form
If you persist in your efforts
You can achieve dream control
Dream control
How’s that then, better?
Dream control
Dream control (hug me)
Dream control
Hug me

If you open your mind for me
You won’t rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin

Living twice at once you learn
You’re safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream’s alive, you can be the guide but

I will be watching over you
I am gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you

Big Brother



swatissonAndrew never got to be a big brother, until now that is.

When  he was in the hospital, thousands of people followed my blog to keep up on Andrew’s progress. One of them was Swati, she fell in love with Andrew. We “met” Swati on an angel board I was very active on because I had worked with the well known author who it belonged to. When Andrew passed, Swati was beyond devastated. She demanded that Andrew come back. Oh yes, she was serious! She fully expected him to listen to her! It still makes me chuckle thinking about it.

She said she would support us and our mission to keep Andrew’s Light shining even brighter, and she has done exactly that and more! She made us rings and engraved them herself. Mine says, “Who’s the PrettyMama,” something Andrew would always say to me. Martin’s says, “I love you Dad.” She has planted a beautiful rose bush in honor of Andrew  for his first birthday not here. Swati sends me a picture every year of Andrew’s rose. She has not only lent her support but has continued to share my son with others, which is the greatest gift you can give a grieving parent, showing them that their child still matters in your own life as well as the parent’s!

Here is what she recently had to tell us:

pureheart-andrew-bear pureheart-andrew-bear-001“Dear Connie an Martin,
I wanted to share something amazing about Andrew with you. Connie you know how I have been helping Ujjwal (her son) sleep alone in his room by giving him the teddy bear I bought from you from Cafepress with Andrew’s picture on it? I had told him to ask Andrew and AA Michael to help him sleep and not be scared. I got to know yesterday how much he took this seriously because yesterday we were roaming around in Muir Woods and a woman came and told us that her son was lost. Ujjwal got very worried.

I told him he will be fine. So Ujjwal said, “I know, I have asked Andrew and Michael to look after him”. It touched my heart that he has been talking to Andrew. So I said to Andrew in my mind, “Can you please be his brother, and look after him? He is very simple hearted and does not know how to deal with the world”. Andrew laughed and said, “He will be fine! You worry too much”. Then later I saw beautiful sun rays streaming down, so I made Ujjwal stand there and took his picture. The sun rays turned into a purple funnel of light in my camera – just all around Ujjwal, with a sword of light right above in the funnel. It was amazing!! Like AAM himself coming and reassuring me.

Then this morning Ujjwal told me he dreamt of Andrew last night! I asked him what he saw, he said, “It was like Andrew was living with us. He was my brother, and was playing with me, being with him”. I was speechless! Just last evening I asked Andrew to be Ujjwal’s brother, and I did not tell Ujjwal that I had asked Andrew to be his brother. I don’t tell Ujjwal too much because I want him to have his own experiences, not because I plant things in his mind. So I didn’t tell him what I had asked Andrew. And Andrew replied to my request through Ujjwal’s dream, telling me that he IS going to be his brother, and be with him.

The ring Swati made me

The ring Swati made me

I can’t tell you how touched I feel with this. I have thanked Andrew so many times. Makes me so teary eyed with emotions. Then while Ujjwal was telling me his dream, I told him to let me know if he sees Andrew. Ujjwal sometimes sees spirits and angels etc. With his open eyes, like we see each other. And he cut me off and pointed to the space next to me on the couch and said, “He is sitting there right now”. I can’t tell you how happy I was to hear that. I feel good knowing that Andrew and AAM are so strongly there with my son. Ujjwal has been feeling lonely because his sister left for college. Has cried a few times and told me how lonely he felt. So it felt really lovely to know that Andrew will be his brother, and be with him. I have said thank you to Andrew. But you both too, tell him I said a HUGE thank you for this. It means the world to me.

The rose planted for Andrew, which has a funny story itself

The rose planted for Andrew, which has a funny story itself

I was thinking of you both this morning as Andrew has taken his brotherly job so seriously. Just now when I woke Ujjwal up he told me happily (which is a big deal, because he wakes up grouchy like me. Lol) and said, “Mamma I had trouble sleeping last night for a long time but I am still very happy because I was talking to Andrew. ” I asked him what he talked about. So he said he asked him if he would go biking with him this evening. And asked him what he thought of his Lego and Minecraft creations. Andrew was very encouraging and told him he thought he did a really good job. And then he told him he had a blue bike because Michael painted it blue for him. lol. Then while eating breakfast he smiled happily and said,”I wish everyone knew about Andrew and could talk to him.” I am truly grateful that Andrew is being his brother. Ujjwal missed talking about all this with his sister. But now he has Andrew.”

Well Dear Swati, it means the world to us that you are helping us on our mission to keep Andrew’s Light shiningBRIGHT by sharing our son with your son!

I always knew Andrew would make a wonderful big brother! Whether it was from here or over there…



GOOD GRIEF! Proving Laughter IS The Best Medicine!


I was push… shove… nudge… I mean inspired to write a new comedy set called GOOD GRIEF! in 2013 while we were still in N. Ireland, as Martin recovered from major surgery while we were on our UK tour. It was my pushy… I mean lovely son on the other side, Andrew, who wouldn’t let it go when I told him to f-off… I mean leave me alone! That there was NO way I was going to write another comedy show when I couldn’t get the first one off the ground since he passed! I mean, like a metaphysical comedy act wasn’t a hard enough of a sell for me? Now I’m suppose to write a comedy show on losing my son? You’ve got to be kidding me with this! AND I told him I wasn’t writing another book to sit on a shelf collecting dust either!

Oh yes, I had some choice words with him, as I was writing down notes on ideas for the new comedy set. When I realized what he, I, was doing, I shouted, “get out my head dammit! Knock it off! Listen to your mother!” I could feel Andrew laughing while blessing my wee wooden head, me thinking I had a choice, and heard, “dance puppet! DANCE!” And that is exactly what I did, I wrote ideas down for my new comedy set on losing my son, calling it GOOD GRIEF! Andrew wins again! AND yeah, I started the 3rd book too.

Not  only  have I always  taken the road less traveled, I tend to take the road NOT traveled at all! Why I do this to myself is beyond me. Writing a comedy set not only on grief, but the grief of losing a child? A very taboo and painful subject. I mean, who does that? That’s right! This girl does.

connie-mc-curdysSo I have been practicing my new comedy set on grief at various open mics, and I have gotten a pretty darn good reception from people that didn’t even know me. You see, I bring my own audience when I do an open mic. It’s less painful that way. One comic, quite handsome I might add, said, “I felt bad for laughing but that was funny!” I thought, “Mission accomplished!”

Some people may wonder how I could find any humor in losing our son. First, Andrew made it easy, second, Martin and I practice what we teach, and we walk our talk. What a concept, huh? Either we believe Andrew is still with us, just in a new way while we are here, and we will be together again when we leave here physically, OR we don’t, which means we wouldn’t be walking our talk.

Now I am applying for a speaking gig at a metaphysical grief conference. They are looking for “out of the box tools” for grief. Who has that? That’s right. This girl does! Laughter is one of my major go to tools for dealing with grief and trauma. Just ask my friend Denise who brought me home the next day after Andrew passed. I apparently had her laughing all the way home as I ranted. Laughter builds a bridge to my son, and staying in grief builds a wall. Seems like a no brainer, because that’s what I want to do. Laugh more, and build a strong bridge to my son.

life-after-lifeWhen I went to the website for the conference, I was shocked to see who had been there the past couple of years. Someone that I have been wantitalking-to-heavenng to meet since I was 16 years old. An author of a book I did my term paper on when I was a junior in high school, Dr Raymond Moody. He wrote the book, “Life After Life.” If I were to be a speaker at a conference he was at, well, O M G! I don’t know what I would do! When I met Medium James Van Praagh I was giddy like a little girl. James’s book, “Talking To Heaven” helped me to know I wasn’t crazy feeling my Uncle around me. James validated so much for me, so I am hoping for another full circle moment like that with Dr Moody. When I lost Andrew, I realized that my entire life was preparing me for it, starting at 16 years old reading his book.

So I would like it if you would support my work as I take this road NOT traveled. If you could post some comments of support on YouTube for my video below, that would be great. I am always looking for feedback or ideas to improve whatever I do, BUT I need support! My full set will be around 30-45 mins, and I tailor it for each event. We premiered it last year on the 8th Annual International It’s All Good Day in Belfast N Ireland. I will be doing it again this year on the 9th Annual IIAGD at the Cosmic Center Of Light in Sarasota Florida… on my own. Martin will still be in Derry, N. Ireland which is our first time apart for our son’s “Angelversary.” But we gotta do what we gotta do, right?

Remember, laughter IS the best medicine, so laugh more!!



Fish Tales



It didn’t take long for the magick to really kick up when Martin got back home from N Ireland. Like he arrived December 2nd and this incident happened the next night. I guess the Elementals were welcoming home one of their own.

Martin and I had doors and windows open, the wind blew the back door semi closed. It’s been raining but that had subsided, so I open the door and walk back in and I hear a splash in my pool like a fish was jumping, like a decent size fish, but the water is still. Martin hears it too. We figure it might have just been water falling into the pool from the screen. But for it to be so loud and there not to be wave? We thought that was odd, even for us.

Soon after we hear it AGAIN! Now it’s really getting our attention because it literally sounds like a mermaid or dolphin splashing in our pool! But again the water is still, absolutely NO movement in the water!

Jack4DolphinsTalkWhile out on the patio, waiting to see if any more is going to happen, Martin returns a call from our friend who works with dolphins. While on the phone we hear it yet again. Martin yells for me and I yell back that I heard it. After the 2nd time it gets Martin attention so he’s looking at the pool, but no ripples of water, no water falling from the screen or anything! AND the splashes were LOUD!! Like a dolphin jumping, or mermaid hitting her tail on the water. The 3rd time we hear it Martin said he saw a fin shadow, but still no movement in the water! Five times we heard splashes in our pool but with NO water movement! BUT Martin did see things happening!

We must have some exciting stuff coming up! Just an average night in the magickal Jordan household!

A song Martin wrote for our friends who work with the dolphins.

Looking forward to hearing what this is all about! Martin wrote pages of messages early this morning from the water spirits that visited last night. Ahhhhh things feeling back to (para) normal again!

Martin’s Note: I believe that this the main message for me was to pay attention to the elementals, the water ones in particular. They are in the physical world in the form of Dolphins. The Dolphins actually have the ability to communicate with us in psychic ways. In this particular case I got a call from my friend that does dolphin research right at the same time. This also let me know that this friend and I have business to get to, we just don’t know what it is yet, and we both have come through our own traumas in this last year and know  we have been saved for a purpose. We just don’t know what that is yet.

It’s All Good!

Suicide And The Other Side: A Vested Interest


So many people have misconceptions about what happens to the person who commits suicide. Many religions teach that these people go straight to hell, umm WRONG! Hard to go to a place that doesn’t exist. Psychic/medium, HayHouse author, and Montel Williams’ fav psychic, Sylvia Brown said that these souls have to come right back to Earth, do not pass go. Ummmm WRONG again! Sorry Sylvia, but you were wrong on that one too.

beckettss-bar-001When Martin and I have done our mediumship events, we have had a good number of suicides come through, which would be hard to do if they were burning in hell. I’m guessing they’d have other things on their mind, you  know, like how to put those damn flames out around them being one. (Seriously! Who believes that nonsense anymore?) It would also be hard to come through if they were back on Earth again. These suicides have come through loud and clear even when they committed suicide the day before.

The reason I am writing this blog is that Martin recently had something very interesting happen with a suicide of a friend  of someone close to us. I mean even interesting for us! This is the first time Martin has had a lot of time to talk to the Spirit who committed suicide. It’s been a year and a half since this person crossed.

leather-vest-001Martin was drawn to the leather vest of this person who passed not knowing who it belonged to. And since the friend who had it, couldn’t sell it, they gave it to Martin, knowing he should have it. Their friend on the other side obviously wanted him to have it. AND surprisingly enough, it looks great on Martin, even though it looked too big for him. It seemed to shrink as they brought it down and he tried it on.

Well, since Martin has had this beautiful leather vest, the person that committed suicide has been a Chatty Cathy to Martin. He has really enjoyed his conversations with her too. Now, they never met while she was here, but that doesn’t matter when you cross. When a Spirit finds someone who can hear them, you become their BFF.

She has validated things we already knew about what it’s like to cross, but she also had info that was uniquely her own experience. For instance she did mention seeing the bridge. I blogged about that years ago when another Spirit, Margaret, who came to Martin to tell him how Andrew helped her crossover. She came to Martin to let him know what amazing work Andrew is doing since he left here, and how much she loves and appreciates him for  all of his help in her crossing the bridge. The full story can be reached by clicking each of the links below.

connies blog

The bridge of transition


The Bridge of Transition Part I
The Bridge of Transition Part II
The Bridge of Transition Part III




connies blogWhat I found  interesting in the recent interactions, “sessions” if you will,  is that Martin is part of her process of moving forward. Part of her learning and growing since she crossed herself over. Martin said it’s like she has a form to fill out that she had a session with him, he is kinda like her therapist. I found that quite interesting. Well, if people here aren’t going to take advantage of Martin’s gifts, at least Spirits are! The pay sucks but the information is amazing!

I am not going into a lot of detail here because Martin has been writing about his sessions with this Spirit that will be going into a book. But I thought I would give the highlights here first because I found it quite interesting.

I also wanted to write this for those that may have had loved ones who committed suicide and believe they might be burning in hell or lost. It has been our experience every single time that they are happy, and are still growing and learning and still loving you!

Yeah, I know that this may sound weird to some, but we don’t question the info Spirit gives us. We are open to the process and however it needs to unfold. That’s what makes us so good at what we do. And that’s why….