Seeing The Beauty In The Pain

Because I don’t have my techie with me anymore and I can’t log on under my log in, I have to log in under Martin. With Martin slowly disappearing in the 3D, I don’t mind. It feels like we’re still working together.

I was mentioning to a friend recently that even through all the pain, there is beauty not only to be witnessed, but to be captured. You just have to be willing to see it, even in the most traumatic of times.

A rough day but a beautiful moment

I was able to do it with Andrew through his illness and passing, as hard as it was. I was right when I told my Muck that when we got out of the hospital, we would only remember the good times, and he agreed. And honestly, to this day it is the funny, tender, intimate moments I remember the most. Not the pain and trauma. It’s not like I don’t remember that too, but I just CHOOSE to focus on the beautiful moments amongst the trauma. I’m just sorry I didn’t get more pictures or videos of my boy, but smart phones weren’t a big thing back then. Actually I’m not even sure if they were even a thing back in 2007.

I did capture many moments of Martin when things were getting tough. When I realized he was going to pass, I did get video of him breathing so I could always hear him breathe whenever I wanted. I had a family member take video of me giving a talk to the staff at hospice after he passed. Since no one else in the family was up for giving a wee speech before Martin was brought to his sister’s for the wake, I did it, it’s my thang apparently. I stood beside his coffin and talked to the staff and thanked them for their kindness and that what they do matters so much! That what they do is not just a job but definitely a true calling. They are true Earth Angels!

I also apologized that they didn’t get to see just how magnificent Martin was because they really missed out on getting to know his quick wit, sense of humor and kindness. Like Andrew, he would have made each one of them feel special.

I took pictures of him and I, and the pain on my face as I said my REAL FINAL last good bye to him and my last kiss with him before the undertakers took my husband to the church. These pictures are just for me.

It broke my heart to see my mother-in-law, Nancy’s face when she walked into the room and saw her son for the first time in the coffin. I stood behind her and hugged her, as we were both grieving mothers now. While I was never her favorite person, no one was good enough for her wee son in typical Derry, Irish mum style, we shared a tender moment as mothers. I knew that I now held a special place in her heart and it only took 43 years! LOL Yes it was painful, but tender and loving none the less. I will cherish that moment until I see her again.

I took video of Martin being carried to the hearse, into the house, from the house and into the church. I did this so people around the world that love Martin could feel like they were there. Plus it helps me fill in the blanks of things I have forgotten.

When I think of the moment when Martin passed, as devastated as I was and still am, it was incredibly intimate and beautiful. I wrote about it in the last blog post.

When Martin was leaving Florida to come to N Ireland for cancer treatment, I had my daughter, Elatia capture my last hug and kiss with my husband before he left. I didn’t know if I would ever see him again and I wanted what could be our last moment together captured. She beautifully caught my pain. 

At Andrew’s first Angelversary on Laguna Beach in California, Elatia caught the beautiful moments that were shared between Andrew’s girlfriend Jourdan, and I as we cried together while we wrote our letters to Andrew.

Elatia also caught a beautiful moment between his young friend Daniel and his mother as she hugged him while he cried. Elatia also caught a moment between Martin and I that I recently found. Through the pain, the love and beautiful moments shined through.










With my mother-in-law’s recent passing, just 3 months after Martin, we were all there as she made her transition. It was very sacred and intimate, like Martin’s, and all I could see was the love, even through the tears and pain. I know she hated all of us being there watching her pass while loving on her. Too bad Nancy! We just love ya too much not to be there when you physically leave us!

I whispered in her ear, “I know you loooooove me!” I know while I could feel her laughing, she also wanted to pimp slap me! I also told her to give OUR boyz a hug and a slap from me!

The same for the wake and funeral, as painful as it was, what out shined the pain for me was the immense love we all had for Nancy and each other.

It was an honor to witness and be apart of it. I helped carry Nancy to the hearse along with her daughters, my sisters. After 43 years and what we have been through together, they are my sisters and not sisters in law anymore.

I was able to witness amazing, beautiful, tender moments between family members that truly touched my heart, like seeing my nephew in with his granny softly singing to her. Probably a song they sang together when he was a kid. Thinking of it now brings tears to my eyes still. Or me and a few of my nieces and nephews playing a quiz game in with Granny, funny enough, no one wanted her on their team. After awhile no one wanted me on their team either because I was as good at the game as Granny was. We were there playing until their mothers kicked us out so they could be alone with their Mum.

I think about a story a friend shared with me awhile ago as her father was passing, and how the family stood around her father’s bed taking turns telling their favorite story of him, and also sang to him. It was just so beautiful to hear.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fill of wakes and funerals within 3 months this year, the emotions are so intense. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m done with them. When you have a big Irish family with ageing relatives, wakes and funerals are a part of your life for a wee while.

But when you have to go through these experiences, you have a choice on what you can focus on, the pain or the beauty and love. I suggest you focus on the love, and look for the beauty even in the most painful of human experiences, which I had the good fortune to experience. *insert sarcasm here.* You’ll be glad you did, for those are the memories you will reflect on with fondness and feel the love again, because as my boyz say, Only Love Is Real!

It’s All Good!



Silent Lucidity

I have loved the song Silent Lucidity for decades now, but it’s not a song you heard a lot of on the radio. I’m not even sure where I first heard the song, but I have always loved it. I remember being in Derry a while ago, like before Andrew passed I believe, now that I think about it, it could’ve been 2 months after he passed when we went for his memorial, which would make sense now that I think about it. But I saw the Queensryche CD at our fav goth place in Derry, called Trash, and I was excited to see one of my fav songs on the CD, Silent Lucidity. It’s a hard song to find. Martin hadn’t heard of the band or the song. He wondered where I got the title for this blog from. I informed him that no, I wasn’t that creative, it was the name of a song. But it’s kinda coming together for me tonight though why I love it so much.

Last Friday night while causally strolling through
my FB news feed as I watched Grimm, I saw that someone I knew was front and center at a Queensryche concert. I got the “hit,” the “pull” to look up the Silent  Lucidity video on Youtube, but that wasn’t enough. I “heard” you NEED to see the lyrics! So I knew I had to pull that up too, but not until after I listened to it first. The guitar playing, the music, the singer’s voice, oy! It just sends me places!

So not only does the lead singer’s voice go through me like it always does, it was the 1st 2 lines that got my attention to where I knew the rest of the song would be poignant. The first 2 lines were, “Hush now don’t you cry. Wipe away the tear drop from your eye.” For anyone who has lost a child and is looking to connect with them more, I believe this is the message they want us to know, that when we can move past the pain, we can visit with them through lucid dreaming.

The back story is, since I have decided to move to N Ireland, and have been overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions, and yes, a whole lotta stress, I have begged Andrew to let me feel him by my side to help me cope, especially since Martin isn’t here with me for this big move. I have “thrown” my Faerie cards almost everyday and they say the same thing, all extremely positive. The message every time has been that I need to take time for myself, let go and break free of all the stress and in doing so I will be able to tap into Higher consciousness and my dreams will be coming true. Apparently this 10 year reign of one health trauma after another, and grief are about over! Who couldn’t be happier about that? That’s right! This girl! The thought of even getting relief from the grief and all this stress makes me giddy like a little girl on Christmas morning. Or I should say, giddy as Andrew!

I will be going to N Ireland for 5 weeks first, in Feb before the big move the end of May. Martin and I have been talking about those 5 weeks. He told me that he wants me to focus on my Visionary Art, connecting with Andrew/PureHeart and to decompress, not stress about anything and just be me. So then comes along this song that just affirms everything I have been feeling and wanting to do. It’s as if Andrew is talking right to me in this song. Then I see that it came out when? 1991, the year Andrew was born. It wouldn’t even surprise me if Andrew inspired the writer of this song before Andrew was born! That’s right! That’s how things roll in our world! Some pretty freaky deaky info comes to us and freaky deaky shit happens to us! I know my “woo woo” friends get that one.

Also, as I am going through our life together of the past 28 years, deciding what to take, what to sell and what to “bin it” Derry Speak for garbage, or burn it. I wanted to set the shed on fire and just not deal with it, but the neighbors and probably the city would frown upon that. Anyway, I remember a small wooden plaque with an old looking painting of a unicorn on it that Andrew bought me at a garage sale when he was young. I was sad thinking I had gotten rid of it years ago when once again we were sorting through things as we were planning on moving to So California back in 2005. I thought to myself the other week when I remembered that plaque, if I find this, I KNOW Andrew is right there with me and things ARE moving in the right direction. Well guess what I found as my friend Patty and I were going through my gross shed on Friday? That’s right! That very same wooden unicorn plaque with Andrew’s hand writing on the back. If it weren’t for Patty making me go through the boxes completely, I would have probably lost that unicorn plaque.

So Andrew is making me it quite clear that he is right here, right by my side smiling, loving me, letting me know…..


P.S Martin didn’t write this, I did. I accidentally signed in under him.

Silent Lucidity

Hush now don’t cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You’re lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over
Or has it just begun?

There’s a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run to in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn’t realize it and you were scared
It’s a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly, you hear and see
This magic new dimension

I will be watching over you
I am gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you, in silent lucidity

Visualize your dream
Record it in the present tense
Put it into a permanent form
If you persist in your efforts
You can achieve dream control
Dream control
How’s that then, better?
Dream control
Dream control (hug me)
Dream control
Hug me

If you open your mind for me
You won’t rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin

Living twice at once you learn
You’re safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream’s alive, you can be the guide but

I will be watching over you
I am gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you

On the Issue of Cancer

IMG_0478Here I sit, doing busy things, some paying off, and some I wish I hadn’t started, healing from cancer. I am isolated from some of the people I love and admire most in my life. Yes I am dealing with f**king cancer again. The first time it wasn’t me personally, but my son, Andrew, and it took his life at 16 back in October 2007. Then I realize that it is OK to be angry and to let it get you down periodically, because honesty with self is all part of that great healing process that everybody talks about, and that I actually teach.

Thank goodness I allow my clients to vent in the traumatic areas of their lives, and I have never taken that from them. My only wish for myself is that I am handling things as gallantly as Andrew did. He was a trooper, and a lot smarter than me. I would say as smart as his Pretty Mama, but a lot smarter than me. As I sit, I begin to re-realize quite a few things about the healing process, and one of those is that if you can’t beat it in your head, you’ll never beat it in your body. You can argue with me, and unless you have gone through dealing with this sh*t it in the two ways that I have, then your opinion doesn’t matter to me, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know which path I will send you down.

batman-looking-the-bat-signFor some reason these last couple of weeks, 6 to be exact, have been rough. Continually I have been feeling down and dejected which I found very hard to explain. I believe it has something to do with the fact that treatment is almost over, and I am now in a waiting game until I get the final scan. Between the medication, and this feeling of “Down” that I am working at shaking, it’s no bloody wonder I want to sleep all day, but in my defence, I am able to stay up all night. My body aches, I don’t want to do anything, I have no appetite, and some other symptoms. Is this depression? I don’t like it! A big part of me is determined to beat this, and get through it, and the best way I know to get the ball rolling, is to journal. You know, write this shit down. Cancer, and just the very thought of it, drains me. It drains me so much that I see myself getting caught up in the fact that it’s draining me, and that brings me down.

My biggest concern isn’t the Melancholy though, what concerns me is more tangible than that. It’s the fact that I have to make sure I am eating. I am a thin person, and can look absolutely decrepit when I drop weight. Weight, and keeping it on, has been an issue my whole life, and the cancer just made sure that the issue was front and center this time. Maybe I should just eat more, but therein lies the rub. The cancer I have is in my month and trying to swallow anything let alone enough food has presented itself with some interesting challenges. I have been unable to eat solid foods for quite a while now. After a drastic initial weight boss, binging some of it back, and now struggling to maintain, will grind you down. Another energy stealer right there.

I do not mean for this to sound negative in any way, it’s just to let you know were I go, and where I’ve been. So now I guess it’s back to basics, to meditate again, and self-hypnotize my way back to health. I could allow myself struck with the what if’s, the main one being what if the swelling left by the cancer, radiation, and Chemo would go down just enough. Just enough, to allow we to eat something other then Cream of chicken soup, and custard.

I would be golden. But that’s not going to happen if I am not right in my head. That’s where am today, struggling with the line, “Well is that where you want to be?” now I know how my clients feel when I say that, but it is the right thing to say, because it leads me very quickly to the right answer: No! or Hell No!

Next question up to the plate is: “Well what do you plan to do about it?” And my answer to that question is pretty simple.” stop talking it over with people whose lives are less than stellar themselves with a lot less going on in their lives. They mean well, but, as Yoda would say, ” A clue, they have none.” Some of them look like they even take pleasure in the fact that I am where I am with this. It occurred to me that I really am not talking to anyone of a higher vibration just those people that like to sit in their own sh*t. My fault, I know, I just need to start reaching out for that to change. Well the writing all this has brought me into a better space with it all, and before I go, I want to leave you with one more thing: cancer sucks!IMG_0478

Conversation about the Nature of God Part I

life is a game

Conversation on the Nature of God
Living is what we are here for, and Peace is our natural state. Speak your truth whenever you can, be compassionate, and remember to love. Be true to yourself and your calling. To get the most out of life, the Universe wants you just to show up.- PureHeart


Friend 1: A born again Christian, and a seeker
Friend 2: A scientifically minded realist, and a Spiritualist
Friend 3: A Catholic – mostly non-practising, but a very strong woman
True Seeker: A student, and contributor to our PureHeart work.
Me: A Spiritualist teacher, and Seeker

IMG_0478This is the conversation I experienced with some friends of mine on Facebook regarding one of the statements allegedly made by the current pontiff, Pope Francis. I was posting my thoughts as to its validity. My friend is a practising modern born again Christian, and it led us into a deeper discussion. It showed the fear and Love emotion angle very strong, and showed that 2 people can have a difference of opinion without falling out over it. I believe our conversation was divinely guided, and there was information in there for both of us. I know, for me, I learned quite a few things about myself, one of them being if I am going to write, then write. Write more.

The fear for me is that what I write brings out anger in people instead of actual conversation. I am definitely not saying that I know everything, and what I do know is definitely not necessarily Universal truth. I am saying that this is what I know to be true for me. Whether it is a Universal truth or not, isn’t for me to determine, but for others to take and use as they please. If it helps them, great, and if it doesn’t, that’s great too. I just need to continue to write because I learn so much from the people I interact with. I appreciate that because the one thing I am sure of when dealing with what I know, is that I don’t know everything. I will make it a goal to know more. I hope you enjoy the conversation, and don’t forget to leave your comments below.

ME: How much of this stuff, what the pope is credited to saying, is actually true has yet to be determined. It is what he or the church of Rome will tolerate, and allow to be said as his. It is what it causes in the short run that will end up being important, not whether it is true or not. We may even end up with a virtual pope.

YELLOWWell it is an interesting argument as to whether or not he actually said these things, and it goes to our nature as to what our perception as to the nature of God is. Is he a loving God, is he a judgemental God, or is he a convenient God. I believe most people use him as a convenient God. Although I believe these things need to be discussed and looked at, we should fact-check and determine whether the pope actually said it or not. It also isn’t whether God is changing or not, it is whether we as a species, are changing or not, and is our perception of him changing,Are we gaining more of an understanding of the nature of God.

<FRIEND 3:> No hell!! Think the Syrians and hungry cud disagree! X – This was a side reaction to the actual comment.

FRIEND 1: (In reference to what I said last.) I get that. But I don’t see how I could serve a changing God. I don’t want to be chasing a moving target. I hope that doesn’t land me in the camp of those using God as a convenient God, but Scripture says that God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. There are verses that call Him the Unchanging One. I just can’t reconcile one man’s quote (even if that man IS the Pope) with the Word of God. The Bible will win that each time. Especially because I’m not catholic.

Editor’s note: Never chase a moving target, become a better shot. Catholics are Christians, last time I looked.

ME: I believe that Christians as a whole are faced with a choice, the same choice they have always been faced with – Old Testament, or New testament. The old testament being a Jewish book, and by their own admission, not as filled with the accuracies that some Christians would have us believe. The New Testament, the alleged biographical story of the teacher Yesua. Some Christians have simplified their lives by choosing one over the other, and in most cases, the new Testament won out as it is more or less filled with a more loving solution to their path.

ME: Yes but what does it say about the perception of the same God, a God that is never changing. If he moves you move. It’s not about chasing a moving target as much as it is getting better knowledge of what it is you have actually placed your faith in. Wouldn’t a changed perception, deeper or shallower, of something make it appear differently to you?

MartinsTopHatSillohetteFRIEND 1: You see, that’s where I would disagree. It’s all one text. I have actually been on a quest to read the whole Bible start to finish. I started with the New Testament and finished it in December. Started Old Testament in January but I fell off the wagon until picking it back up in June. Since then, I’ve been reading 5 chapters every night and I’m all the way through Esther, starting in Job tonight. The OT continually talks about a Saviour coming. Every prophecy about the Messiah was fulfilled in Christ. Every prophecy written in every book, written hundreds of years before He was born, he fulfilled. The New Testament was the story of Jesus, and the new covenant man had with God through His son’s sacrifice.

Stay tuned for Part II – Next week, or maybe earlier. Please leave your comments below.

Angels Dancing on the Head of a Pin

I was going through my Facebook history when I came across this little gem

So as I was showering today, the question “How many angels can dance on the top of pin?” popped into my head, and so did the answer:

“The size of the head of the pin increases exponentially to accommodate the number of angels who are drawn together with intent and desire to dance on the head of said pin. They do not offer any resistance, (judgement) about either the size of the pin nor the number of participants.”


Well Duh! Doesn’t everybody know that?? *grin*

Then also, another question popped into my head:

“Why do we (humans on Planet Earth) presume to assume that it is the angels who must change to accommodate the head of the pin rather than the other way around?”

This day is off to a great start … don’t ‘cha think?

Things that make you go “Oh no, not again.”

It’s All Good!