I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about today. Still not sure how I’m going to word this. But here it goes.
People have been posting here and on the Angel board about how much of an impact Martin’s & my relationship had on Andrew and helping him be who he is. (can’t use was, it’s not true) Not to toot my own horn but it is true, the loving relationship Martin and I have has effected our kids in a positive way. It has given them example of what to strive for in their own relationships. The greatest gift we can give our kids is a functioning, loving relationship between their parents, step parents, divorced or not!
I think I am guided to write this because Andrew has friends in his life that aren’t as lucky as he was in the parent relationship dept. As parents we can get so caught up in our own stuff that we forget how it effects our kids. Kids can feel the energy between parents.
Martin and I weren’t perfect parents, that doesn’t exist. Even our relationship has had it’s bumps in the road along the way. Martin and I would talk our issues out in private like adults and not get into screaming matches in front of the kids. Andrew has had friends whose parents have outrageous, inappropriate, selfish behavior. And when parents do this, it forever changes who their kids are! Sorry to go Dr. Phil on ya but it’s true!
Andrew was very concerned about several of his friends because of their parent’s behavior. They just can’t or should I say WON’T get their shit together, not even for their kids! There is no excuse for that!! When you become a parent your children should come first! In a loving relationship, then yes you must take care of that first. But your kids should NEVER be on the back burner. The best gift you can give your kids is a safe, loving environment where their parents love and respect one another. And if you can’t do that simple basic thing that a marriage is suppose to be then get a GD DIVORCE already and quit dragging your kids through your dirty laundry!! IT’S NOT FAIR!
I know Andrew was upset with several of his friend’s parents because he had to listen to it from his friends. How miserable his friends were. Which brings me back to the peace beginning within each one of us! That simple thing can change your child’s world in ways you can’t even imagine! All our kids want is to see us happy. I know that is all I wanted for my mother when I was growing up.
I didn’t have a safe place to fall growing up and I wanted to make sure I gave that to my kids. Andrew saw how many kids don’t have that safe place to fall either. And as parents that is our first thing we owe our kids! And how many don’t get it?? Waaaay too many!
I think Andrew wants to get that message out there, love your kids enough to give them a safe place to be!
Ok, I’m done for now but who knows I may change it all later. I know what Andrew wants to convey, just not sure if I didn’t it well enough.
CHOOSE JOY! CHOOSE PEACE! CHOOSE LOVE! and IT’S ALL GOOD!
Dear Connie ,Martin and Andrew,
You tell it like it is, I could see you and Andrew discussing this. He was sooo concerned for his friends and wished they had the loving,caring and giving family life he had. We all need safe places to be and we all need to learn to love ourselves so that we can give it back to the ones we love.
You and Martin walk your talk, and as Andrew says Beautifull mamma,Awsome Daddy.
I love you three
True…very true! There was just once when I spoke one sentence angrily at Swami in front of Natasha (9 years old), and when Swami went to work, she told me much to my embarrassment, “You shouldn’t have spoken that way with him in front of me”. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
As parents we need to be so very aware and not continue the patterns we may have had as children! Our kids are very sensitive and can tell if things aren’t right!
Good for your daughter for speaking her truth! Hey, my kids have told us if there was something they didn’t like. I honored that in them. Sometimes it was just me that needed to be reeled in! Shocking I know! LOL
So true! I had a good childhood and my parents were and are good parents but weirdly enough my sister and I spoke once or twice about how we thought they would split when we were older. Not because they had big rows infront of us but because we could see how different they were. And we were right. By the time we were in our late teens, cracks began to show and the atmosphere in the house was terrible. It took a couple of years for them to finally separate and I was soooo relieved. My brothers and sister weren’t – they wanted them to stay together. But my sister was away at uni and my brothers were “too young” to get involved so they were quite sheltered from it. So I took on all the crap, being the sensitive I am, and ended up in a mess because of it. It’s not been easy and of course, I’d rather that my parents had a wonderful relationship but they could not be together anymore and ultimately it is best for everyone. So I can totally relate to what Andrew is saying and I PRAY that I can have a wonderful relationship and teach my children as you have done, Connie.
Much love XXXX
How right you are Andrew.
When my husband and I split in 1999, it was his choice, not mine, and my whole world fell apart, I honestly didn’t think I could rise up from it. Right from the start we have always put the girls first in everything we do. I cried my many tears in private when they were in bed at night or at nursery/school during the day (they were 4 & 5 at the time, now 12 & 13). In front of them I always tried to smile regardless of how low I was feeling. Not once did they see us exchange cross words, not that there were many anyway, but we shielded them from that. Jonathan, has always been there for them (and me) 110% and I cannot fault him at all. We back each other up completely where decisions are concerned, they know they can’t play us off one against the other, no way, lol. He attends every parents night, school, assemblies, concerts, dancing shows, swimming competitions, etc.etc. that his work hours will allow. For years he would come in every Xmas morning at the crack of dawn just to see them open their presents, and only stopped when Chris and I bought a house and moved in together. People cannot believe the relationship we have with each other, we know we are the exception to the rule, but that’s the road we chose to take. What is to be gained by being nasty and spiteful to each other?? Nothing! He is not a bad person, actually he’s one of the kindest people I know, he just wasn’t happy where he was and I had to respect that – took me a while and a lot of tears – but I got there in the end by thinking I wouldn’t like to HAVE to stay somewhere where I was miserable and unhappy, so why should he?
When I met Chris 7 years ago, he was living in Northern Ireland with his 2 daughters, then 9 & 14. His wife had passed with cancer 2 years previous. In 2003 they moved here. He is my soulmate and I am happier than I have ever been. Jonathan married a lovely woman in May this year and our beautiful daughters were bridesmaids. They are growing into confident young women who know they are lucky to have 2 secure families to support them, unlike many of their friends who don’t have any support at all. It breaks my heart when I see children being used as pawns or bargaining chips between battling parents.
It was a tough journey but I did it, and would do it again to be where I am today, and I never though I would EVER say that!
Lots of Love
YAY Myra!! SO glad to hear that! I have the same situation w/my ex. He & his wife videoed me and Martin’s church wedding! LOL He too was the one who wanted out first. We were so young. Met at 16, married at 18, daughter at 19. Hmmm wonder why he felt tied down?? LOL But when we split we agreed to ALWAYS put Elatia first and not use her as a pawn. Any disagreements were talked out amongst ourselves. She was never dragged into it.
When he lived in Fla we would go to his house for holidays and him and his wife would come to ours! One year we were all pregnant and we were all at my uncle’s house together Christmas eve! I think we did it the following year too with the babies. My ex has a son 2 months older than Andrew. He’s the one in the back ground in the pic of Andrew. Not sure if you can see it here, we sized it smaller.
It’s so important for kids to feel safe and loved and as parents that is our first job, NO EXCUSES! And Andrew had a lot, not all, of his friends that aren’t given that right as a child and it made him sad because he was all about the love! He wanted for his friends to have what he had, a safe loving environment.
So kudos to you Myra! I’m so happy to hear that! And like Anna said, it’s not about always staying together. You can give your kids a loving safe environment even w/divorce!
Thank you for sharing your stories!