It’s been 3 months today, I started this on Monday, since my sweet heart son ascended. I have actually survived the first 3 months with out my son here physically.
But now what?? What do I do now?? I have no idea what to do with my life. Nor do I have the energy to try and figure it out or doing anything about it. So I’ve put my foot down, ok, may have been stomping my foot down in a tantrum, to the powers that be and said “SHOW ME!” Show me what the hell I’m suppose to do now! Apparently what ever I do isn’t right!
I was cutting up chicken tonight and just started crying because 1. Andrew would help me cut the chicken & cook dinner 2. I was thinking about all the plans Andrew and I made for when he got out of the hospital. We were going to do Ti chi in the morning, workout together in the afternoon, plan our menus for organic meals, shop together for it & cook the meals together. We were excited about our new life. Yea, it was going to be hard at first because we would have to be very careful, but we were excited! But now? I have none of that. I have nothing to do.
Martin came out of the office because he “heard” me crying. I think Andrew told him. How pathetic must I have looked crying while cutting my chicken? Martin was so tender & understanding with me. He hugged me and wiped my tears. He told me that he didn’t want me to cry alone. I informed him that he wouldn’t be getting any work done then! He said he didn’t care.
I was worried that I’m going through all of this for nothing. That there really is no bigger purpose in all this. That I would just be another mother who lost her son to a shit ass disease and have to try and carry on.
Deep, way deep down I don’t believe that. I don’t believe I raised an Avatar so he could leave at 16 and it would all be done and over with after his ascension. Because if that were the case it’d be time for us to go garage shopping!
Yea, I’d say it’s time for the meditation to meet up with Muck!
IT’S ALL GOOD!