It was a few days after Andrew’s birthday in May when I had been wondering what direction I should put my energy and goals. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever work with Andrew/PureHeart and Martin again. I mean we haven’t done an event since October 2014.
Martin is going to be gone until at least October of this year, possibly longer with his cancer treatment in N Ireland. As time goes on, this bigger picture I thought I was seeing after Andrew left keeps getting smaller and smaller with every Muggle job I have to take to just get by, which getting by isn’t really happening either. I feel like I am on a sinking ship and only have a teaspoon to bail out the water. WTF? Seriously! Who the hell was I in a past life!?
Hmmm just as I was typing this, Coldplay’s song Viva La Vida came on the T.V. which reminds of Andrew because he always talked about ruling the world. As I was thinking that I hear in my head, “We’re gonna rule the world Mommy!” Ok Muck, (our nickname for Andrew) any day would be good now. I’m ready to rule!
Sometimes it’s hard to stay focused on the bigger picture when cancer is constantly in your face, or in Martin’s case, his neck. I nearly lost my daughter in December 2006 to a cancer scare, actually lost my son in 2007 to leukemia, and now wonder if I will lose my husband in 2015. “Is this really the way this story ends?” I wondered as I go into Walgreens to pick up a few things. This is NOT what I pictured my life would be like when I was 13yo and KNEW that Martin and I were suppose to be together.
Andrew must have been listening to me because as I go into the store, “My Sweet Lady” by John Denver comes on! That’s the first song Martin ever sang to me in 1988 when I first went to N Ireland to see Martin after 12 years of being apart, which is why Andrew learned to play it. Martin sang it to me right before I was going back to the States and we didn’t know when we were going to see each other again.
My Muck playing My Sweet Lady and Black Bird after a 4 1/2 day forced coma, not even a week after his leuekmia diagnosis and still hooked up to dialysis and a bunch of other machines. Thank you Elatia for capturing this tender moment!
The tears start to well up as I listen to it. Once again, I’m glad I had my sunglasses on while in a store. It’s funny how Andrew can make some verses louder than others for me. The verse Andrew made louder for me, to accentuate the message he wanted me to hear was, “I swear to you our time together has just begun.”
This song has so much more meaning to me now than it ever did in 1988 when Martin first sang it to me. Now this song is from my husband AND my son. The words are so much more poignant on so many levels. It is like Andrew and Martin are both singing this song to me now. It was exactly the message I needed to hear! That our time together was not over, but in fact was just beginning…again.
When Martin and I dance to this song at our wedding vow renewal on October 3rd, Martin’s 55th birthday, when I go over to N Ireland to see him after nearly 10 months apart, I KNOW Andrew, like in the PICU the night he passed, will be holding us both in his arms, dancing with us.
The night Andrew passed, he told Martin to play a song on his phone because he wanted to see Martin and I dance. So we danced to the song of Andrew’s choice. And while I saw my son’s body on the hospital bed, I knew he was standing right there with his arms around us while we danced, I could feel him. Go ahead, wipe the tears! I am! I was listening to “My Sweet Lady” again as I was typing this, so you know I had tears flowing yet again as I let the words really wash over me. I could feel my son speaking to me through this song.
Well, Andrew likes to follow up a heart and tear filled moment with laughter. We taught him well. AND because I am such a demanding bitch, I asked for another sign that the song was from him to prove it wasn’t a coincidence. As usual Andrew delivered. The very next song playig at Walgreens was Billy Joel’s, “She’s Always A Woman To Me,” which Martin wrote a parody to, for my comedy show. He called it, “She’s Always A Diva To Me.” So I am walking through Walgreens wiping my tears and laughing.
And now that I am getting back to my comedy by recently doing an open mic to get my stage legs back, I guess he was letting me know the comedy would be coming back into my life at some point. I had put my comedy on the back burner for a number of years because it seemed we needed to go another direction.
The GOOD GRIEF! comedy show Andrew made me write back in 2013, about the journey of losing him, is making it’s début on his 8th “Angelversary,” the 8th Annual International It’s All Good Day! in Belfast N Ireland. Apparently nothing is off limits for my son at what we can laugh at.
So if you know anyone in the area who would like to help us promote it, let us know!
And in true Andrew fashion, he let’s me know…
IT’S ALL GOOD!