Letting Go To Hold On
Tha
t was something Martin had said to me awhile ago, “if you want to hold on, you have to let go.” Of course I wanted to tell him to shut it, among other things like STFU! AND who knew a husband could be right? I hate when that happens!
That saying can apply to so many things in life. Like if I want to hold on to my son, I need to let go of him at the same time. Let go of what was, to allow what is, which could be even better if I allow it. There in lies the dilemma, that damn mama gene just LOVES what was! I believe I have blogged about this one before. I’m STILL working on fully letting go of that one mind you. I mean it’s getting easier to as I have more interactions with Andrew now, but there are still those damn mama gene moments that sucker punch me and take my breath away.
Now there is yet another new chapter in which I have to let go to hold on. Like letting go my life in Florida, my daughter and three granddaughters. But I know I gave it my all the last 2 years while Martin has been gone dealing with cancer treatment in his own country, because we don’t offer the same kind of stellar care here in the US. I did everything I could to keep our life going here, but it is not meant to be, for now.
I realized after nearly 2 years and not getting any further ahead no matter what I did, it was time to rethink what I was holding on to. I have to admit, the presidential election was the final straw and knew it was time for me to let go of what I have here if I wanted to hold on to the life I needed. I knew Martin just wouldn’t be able to live in the US again because of needing access to health care when he needs it, and we couldn’t afford it in the US. NO ONE can when you have been dealing with cancer, health insurance or not. There’s deductibles, co-pays, and still having to pay 20% of the medical bill. Why deal with the stress of that if we don’t have to?
While Martin has been gone, I have had to work fulltime at a job that kicks my ass physically and mentally, which leaves me very little time with my girls anyway. I am so tired from work, I spend my 2 days off playing catch up on things I couldn’t get done while I worked. And licking my wounds, ok not literally because I can’t get my feet up that far, but you get the point. Jogging was out of the question now because my feet were so sore. Real self care was out the window too. My blood pressure was way to high due to the stress of trying to keep all the plates spinning at once. My pool guy let me down so that was on my list of things to do as well.
So what the hell am I really giving up then, right?
Well, my daughter and being a fulltime grandmother like I always wanted to be. My home of 17 years, the longest I’ve lived anywhere and where my son spent half his life. It’s where my co-dependent wiener dog Merlin is buried. The home that I wanted my grand daughters to grow up in as well. Having a pool that I thoroughly enjoyed last summer. I mean I was in that thing way into the night. My rescue chiweenies, Dobby and Mama, my Lexus that I adore. Not to mention, while I hate the summers in Sarasota, I do love where I live. But now I had to let it all go.
My daughter did not take it well when I told her I was moving. I told her by letting go, that things could work out even better than we think, even though we don’t see that right now. I reminded her that because I had to work fulltime I was little use to her and couldn’t spend the time with them like I wanted. I told her that just because this wasn’t our plan A, it doesn’t mean an even better way won’t happen anyway, we just need to trust and get out of the way.
So what do I get for letting go? Yes, a very angry daughter, but I do get my husband back! BUT I also get to quit working at a muggle job that doesn’t feed my soul. I get to focus on my third book that goes with my One Woman Show, GOOD GRIEF! that I am currently working on. I will have the time to work on my Visionary Art. I get to work with my boys again! We have a 2 bedroom flat in town, which is walking distance to everything. I get to finally cool off. I get to visit my girls for the holidays where I can devote ALL of my time to them. AND in the Fall we get to meet the kids in Copenhagen for a little vacation together. We will now have the freedom to take vacations with the kids.
When I stop and think about it, I am letting go of loneliness and stress and gaining a new stress free life with my husband where we both have healthcare! We can travel around Europe for weekend get-aways. As a friend reminded me with a card, “It’s Your Time! It’s Your Turn!” Yes it is! When I look at it that way, I have nothing to whine about and need to stop being a whiny lil bitch! AND remember..
IT’S ALL GOOD!
Martin comes into the living room where I am sitting minding my own business when I smell this rancid odor. I accuse Martin of it because since having 12 inches of his colon removed and having a stoma since the end of 2012, that thing can “go off” at any time and smell horrific!
And for those in the know, know that is the song we ended Andrew’s FUNeral service with, so that was a HUGE deal her singing that song.
Last Friday night while causally strolling through my FB news feed as I watched Grimm, I saw that someone I knew was front and center at a Queensryche concert. I got the “hit,” the “pull” to look up the Silent Lucidity video on Youtube, but that wasn’t enough. I “heard” you NEED to see the lyrics! So I knew I had to pull that up too, but not until after I listened to it first. The guitar playing, the music, the singer’s voice, oy! It just sends me places!
I will be going to N Ireland for 5 weeks first, in Feb before the big move the end of May. Martin and I have been talking about those 5 weeks. He told me that he wants me to focus on my Visionary Art, connecting with Andrew/PureHeart and to decompress, not stress about anything and just be me. So then comes along this song that just affirms everything I have been feeling and wanting to do. It’s as if Andrew is talking right to me in this song. Then I see that it came out when? 1991, the year Andrew was born. It wouldn’t even surprise me if Andrew inspired the writer of this song before Andrew was born! That’s right! That’s how things roll in our world! Some pretty freaky deaky info comes to us and freaky deaky shit happens to us! I know my “woo woo” friends get that one.
Andrew never got to be a big brother, until now that is.
“Dear Connie an Martin,
So I have been practicing my new comedy set on grief at various open mics, and I have gotten a pretty darn good reception from people that didn’t even know me. You see, I bring my own audience when I do an open mic. It’s less painful that way. One comic, quite handsome I might add, said, “I felt bad for laughing but that was funny!” I thought, “Mission accomplished!”
When I went to the website for the conference, I was shocked to see who had been there the past couple of years. Someone that I have been wanti
ng to meet since I was 16 years old. An author of a book I did my term paper on when I was a junior in high school, Dr Raymond Moody. He wrote the book, “Life After Life.” If I were to be a speaker at a conference he was at, well, O M G! I don’t know what I would do! When I met Medium James Van Praagh I was giddy like a little girl. James’s book, “Talking To Heaven” helped me to know I wasn’t crazy feeling my Uncle around me. James validated so much for me, so I am hoping for another full circle moment like that with Dr Moody. When I lost Andrew, I realized that my entire life was preparing me for it, starting at 16 years old reading his book.
While out on the patio, waiting to see if any more is going to happen, Martin returns a call from our friend who works with dolphins. While on the phone we hear it yet aga
When Martin and I have done our mediumship events, we have had a good number of suicides come through, which would be hard to do if they were burning in hell. I’m guessing they’d have other things on their mind, you know, like how to put those damn flames out around them being one. (Seriously! Who believes that nonsense anymore?) It would also be hard to come through if they were back on Earth again. These suicides have come through loud and clear even when they committed suicide the day before.
Martin was drawn to the leather vest of this person who passed not knowing who it belonged to. And since the friend who had it, couldn’t sell it, they gave it to Martin, knowing he should have it. Their friend on the other side obviously wanted him to have it. AND surprisingly enough, it looks great on Martin, even though it looked too big for him. It seemed to shrink as they brought it down and he tried it on.
What I found interesting in the recent interactions, “sessions” if you will, is that Martin is part of her process of moving forward. Part of her learning and growing since she crossed herself over. Martin said it’s like she has a form to fill out that she had a session with him, he is kinda like her therapist. I found that quite interesting. Well, if people here aren’t going to take advantage of Martin’s gifts, at least Spirits are! The pay sucks but the information is amazing!
The funny thing is, is that she pulls up to the store to go in to tell the clerk that she was giving me the $3.00 left on her pump. The clerk tells her that her pump was already wiped out and I couldn’t do it. What does this white pick up driving, white t-shirt, khaki wearing, butch looking Rosie O’Donnell woman do then?
ould think that my husband being a singer/songwriter was enough for me to deal with as far as being a chick magnet, but NOPE! Apparently that wasn’t enough. Lucky me huh? UGH! He is also a medium, an intuitive life coach a hypnotherapist, and not hard on the eyes, so that makes him the tri-fecta, wait, no, or is it the quinfecta of chick magnets? BTW I was shocked that quinfecta didn’t even come up as misspelled, so it’s actually a word! Who knew? Not me.
Martin has been going on ghost hunts in Northern Ireland since we had to be there in 2013 for an unintended, extended length of time. He was researching places for a paranormal tv show he was apart of. And as most shows go, it went to the wayside, for now. BUT, while on a public ghost hunt we went to in Belfast back then, I chatted with the team about what we do, and they were interested in having Martin join them on a future ghost hunt.
